Commitment *sigh* commitment is one of those words that usually sends a person (typically men) running for dear life! For some, it can be a very scary thing; settling down with one person for the rest of your life? You'd rather take your chances voting for Trump and have him run the country! I get it. No seriously...I get it! A serious, monogamous relationship? That sh*t sounds like an oxymoron! To put your loyalty and trust into a person, after being done wrong before? That sh** is a challenge and for many folks...it's a challenge that not many wanna take on.
*class is in session*
Today's class is a serious one because so many single men and women suffer from commitment anxiety. The fear of taking that next step in the relationship, scares us to the point that we either sabotage it or we take flight. For men, it could be the idea of being with ONE woman...
For women, it could be that the last few dudes she gave her all to, did her so bad...she'd rather let Helen Keller blow dry her hair in the shower! Whatever the reasoning is- it's real- really real! It could be you or your partner, who just might not be ready to make that commitment. If you're rushing into things, you're not allowing time to show you if this person is for you or not- you're a dumbass! Timing is everything and just because you feel ready doesn't necessarily mean that the other person feels the same. Here are some reasons as to why some folks just can't find it in then to commit:
My Childhood Wasn't Shit:
Many of us watched The Cosby Show and fell in love with how Cliff loved Clair and how amazing their marriage/friendship was, despite it only being a TV show. Here you had this man, who loved this woman deeply and showed it, but growing up? Bruh...we ain't see that sh**! Daddy wasn't around and mommy had dudes in and out the house, baaaaack to back. Or your father had so many "sisters", your Christmas was always something to look forward to! If your childhood set a bad example as to what a relationship/marriage should look like; commitment to you as an adult now, is a foreign concept. You have some that learned that, ok, I need to be better than my childhood showed me, but then you have many others who saw what was going on and mimicked that behavior once they got older and said f*ck it, ima be a playa for life! That level of commitment anxiety is at the core of who you are and no amount of sex or sharing of passwords can undo what was done. If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...you may wanna look back on what your childhood showed you growing up.
I've Been Hurt, SOOOO Bad:
As a single man; I have a real fear of being hurt again! Not punched in your arm by your big brother kinda hurt; I'm talking getting your heart torn to mother*cking shreds! Many of you reading this have been hurt so bad, to the very core of you; that you gotta ask Young Metro if the person you're seeing can be trusted or not! The pain be that real!
Student: Its not that I can't trust or I dont want to trust them; hooooow can I trust them, when I've been done so wrong in my past? I'm not playing victim and I'm not placing all the blame on the other person because I'm partly to blame, as well but there is pain there!. I just find it hard to commit to a person because I have given my all in the past and got taken advantage of.
And I emphasize and sympathize with that because I'm sure many can relate, hell, I can relate and understand! You give your all and you get cheated on and you've been nothing but loyal and faithful to that person? What the... You get into a relationship and you start to seeing signs of your partner not being 100% honest with you and you turn into Usain Bolt! If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...you may want to address your past issues and get over them instead of running away from them.
I'm Not A Fan Of Being Abused:
Physical abuse is damaging but when a person abuses your mind? It's hard to recondition yourself from months, even years, of being told that you ain't sh** without me and being treated like you're never good enough from a person who claimed to love you. You also have emotional abuse where, once again, your partner makes you feel and treats you sh** and does little to rectify their wrongs and or comfort you, when you're in need. Then you also have the abuse you sustain from dealing with a toxic person; the type of a person who is no good to themselves nor you, so they plague the relationship with their bad energy and vibes. You wanna commit but you're forcing yourself to see past the fact that y'all two just don't vibe. You wanna commit but the person has a bad habit of blowing up on you and calling it their "way of showing love"- nah b. Abuse, on any level, has helped to instill fear in a person, thus, making it hard for them to commit. If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...look at the types of abuse you've dealt with, to help better understand.
Fear Being Of Taking Advantage Of:
You have some people whose intentions aren't honorable and that's the problem. Some people aren't looking for a relationship...they're looking for help. Some people aren't looking for a partner to grow and build with...they're looking for someone to help them, temporarily. When I say help I mean ways they can HELP themselves and themselves, ONLY!
- I love you...let's move in together.
- I love you, but let me borrow some money because I spent all my money on a new outfit, these shoes, and I went out to get some drinks with my friends.
- I love you...but I think we would be better as friends because I'm not ready to settle down just yet. (after 3 years of being together).
Why You Wanna Change Me:
It takes years for us to establish who we are as individuals. Through life's experiences and lessons we learn from dealing with people, we tend to form our own identity and then take that into a relationship. So by the time we get into one and we say and or do something that our partner may not necessarily like...it turns us off. You want me to change, who I am, just because you lack understanding or it makes you feel insecure or yada yada yada? See ya! The moment you feel like you can't be your true self, is the moment you begin to shut down and look for a way out. I don't want to have to ever mold myself to be something or someone I'm not- period! You don't want that person to get close to you because they're already showing you signs of why you shouldn't let your guard down!
***Notice I said signs and not SIGN because a or even a couple (2) things isn't a reason to take flight***
On top of that, you got your friends constantly telling you how much you've changed since you've been in this relationship. Sometimes we get into a relationship and our friends will clown us so much on how this person has us acting this way or that way- we endh e relationship. You know how many relationships have ended due to friends who've felt some kinda way? Plenty...and plenty more will end, as the years go on. You may have a hard time committing because you find it hard to find that balance of self and being in a relationship.
More 'Me' Than 'You':
Some people will get into a relationship and become so dependent on their partner that it becomes unhealthy. You tend to neglect your friends, often times expect them to spend more time with you, than their own friends, and you even talk less "me" time. When you sit and try to justify it- yeah it makes sense because that's your partner, but once you really rationalize it...that's a lot of time to be spending WITH your partner! One of the reasons people have a hard time committing to a person who doesn't have a life, outside of them, is the pressure they put on them to spend large chucks of time together. I gotta work and or go to school, time with my kids, and then I gotta spend the rest of my time with you? What about me tho!? I don't wanna spend 90% of my time with you; I NEED some alone time and I WANT some time to chill with my friends- plain and simple. I, myself, have been in love with a woman so deeply that I did neglect my friends and it scared her away because all I wanted to do was spend all my time with her. Men, typically don't want to spend every damn breath under a woman because to us, that reads as her being clingy. Committing to someone who doesn't commit to anything or even themselves, outside of the relationship...spooky. If you're wondering why you're having a hard time committing...look at the time you're spending with your partner vs. the time you spend outside of them.
If you relate to any of what I said today, then I would strongly encourage you to work on yourself before you get into a relationship. So much gets said about wasting each other's time and when we knowingly have a fear of committing to one person and one person only...that's the biggest waste of a persons time! As a man- I don't want my time fu***** wasted! If that means I become a best selling author 5 years from now and I still find myself single- so be it! So many people are afraid of getting into a relationship or even marrying someone because they have so many unresolved issues, they've yet to address with their partner and themselves. If you find yourself in a 3 year relationship with a man and marriage convos keep gettin danced around- it might be time for you to put your foot down or get to steppin! If you're dating a woman and she's still entertaining her ex but down plays it to "just a friendship" that she's not willing to let go...you might wanna put your foot down or get to steppin! Yes, the fear of committing to the wrong person is real! Yes, wasting your time with a person who gives you the run around is annoying! Yes, I will beat that ass if...the point I'm tryna make is that we have to do better- we have to (hand clap) do (hand clap) better (hand clap, hand clap)! Give me a good enough reason to commit to you! I nee confidence. I need to be able to trust you. I need to be able to talk through all of our problems and don't rely on sex to make s*** right! You've been hurt, I've been hurt, but let's take more steps towards taking down those bricks and stop ignoring signs because we don't wanna be alone. At what age do you get rid of the excuses as to why you're still f****** single? At what age do you work on letting go of the hurt and taking steps to a better you? At what age...do you stop allowing what has happened, to you, to keep you from finding love?
@renaissance_brotha_
well said. This was awesome.
ReplyDeleteWell said. This was awesome
ReplyDeleteThis was awesome. You should be a therapist.
ReplyDelete