Now, it's rare that I touch on matters of the heart when it comes to us (men) and how we tend to deal with heartache and anything else associated with it. It's one of those things that we try not to talk about, for we fear how we'll be perceived by others; so fu** it- we keep our feelings/emotions ourselves. I'm not sure how many men will openly admit to this, but I know the following statement is something I can personally identify with: it's hard living with the fact, that the woman you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with...has moved on to spend her life with someone else.
*gasp*
I've dealt with it. It's not hard to admit now, but before that wasn't the case. It's a surreal feeling:
one minute you're planning out the day you wanna propose and how that's gonna look, who you wanna invite to the baby shower, living arrangements, sex hours once she's prego (not in that order), and the next min...you find yourself trying to piece your life back together.
You ever feel like the last person took every single bit of you: mentally and emotionally? Well, imagine doing that while in a relationship. "You don't know what you got till its gone," is what they say but what happens if you knew exactly what you had, but you didn't know how to hold on to it? You don't have your sh** together. You're still dealing with baggage from the last relationship. You struggle with insecurities and sometimes those insecurities run so deep within you, that you begin to question why the person is even with you! Each and everyone one of us deals with something that can potentially hinder us from moving forward.
We as men might not never, ever outwardly admit it, but there's that one woman who we feel is/was the ONE for us, who got away for whatever reason. Sh** happens. Life happens. And sometimes s*** happens in life, that can either makes us or breaks us! I've learned that in order for life to make us better, we have to break:
- break away from bad habits/old ways
- break down emotional and mentally (yes, crying cleanses the soul)
- break away from those with bad intentions or who seek to hinder our progression
So, in order for life to "make us better," we must first be broken down and rebuild from the breakage!
All of what you're about to read is 110% authentic and true from the heart. If it feels like I'm taking directly to you, I am. Read this piece as if you and I are having a one on one convo. Read this piece with an open heart and mind. For all the men who can identify with losing that "one"- this is for you. To all the ladies- enjoy. To the ex, who has moved on and is happy, I'm sorry but
...you're marrying the wrong guy.
...you're marrying the wrong guy.
*class is in session*
I know you're reading this. I know that because I know you. I've had a lot of time to myself since the break up. I mean, it's been years and I've tried to move on but for some reason I couldn't because every single thing reminded me of you! We've had a few convos but eh. The reason why I couldn't move on is because I never was honest with myself about why we broke up. I was a di**. I'm not saying I was a complete d*** the entire time we were together but as the roller coaster stopped peaking, I became a different man. That night I came to you on your birthday ,the year you were set to move- I meant every word. See, I thought...well, never mind, here's the truth:
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS...
(N)ope..."my pride won't let me admit as a man that I f**ked up. I'm sure I'll regret this one day but right now, RIGHT NOW!? I can't admit that I'm hurt because you're deciding to finally leave..."
THE HARSH REALITY...
As a man, we think and/or say that to ourselves or to our partner once the relationship is coming to an end. All those times we put pride over you and not fully understanding the impact it will have on the relationship over a period of time- will f*** us up something serious. When you would call/text? My pride declined/ignored. You wanted to talk face to face? I'm prideful, I'm nonchalant, I'm dismissive, or sarcastic to the point nothing gets resolved. "Babe, maybe we should go see somebody about us..." But I think we should f*** and get over it. All those times when I should've said sorry or you're right, or apologized? Eh, instead it was,
"f*** you! Ok... I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, just- you just make me so angry that I can't control my anger!"
Now all those times have led us here; me here and you there...with someone else. All those times I said,
"If you don't like the way I act or treat you, why you with me, huh?! Because I'm not holding you hostage you know, you can always find someone else!"
Those words...I meant them within the moment but not overall. One can only be hurt but so much and I guess you knew something I didn't. All those damn arguments and where did it get us, huh? Well, you knew. You knew and you gave me chance after chance to correct myself, not for the betterment of myself, but for the betterment of us. Thing about it is...I loved my pride a little more than you and ironically, that same pride is what destroyed us.
WHAT I KNOW NOW...
Pride kills and hinders, so kill the pride or you'll hinder your heart and the person you give it to.
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID...
(Y)ou.. "wanna talk every single time there's an issue and I just don't feel it's important to discuss the little sh**! I been working on things you say you have a problem with but I swear you don't do the same sh*t! STOP WIT THE F***IN BIT**IN AND GET YA SH** TOGETHER OR IM OUT!"
HARSH REALITY
I found it hard to talk to you. Nothing you did honestly, just, I held onto a lot of what I say my parents go thru growing up. Now, I won't make excuses or give you some bullsh** ass justification- we as men just suck when it comes to things like that. Those first couple of years of the relationship are tough grounds when it comes to communicating our issues. For women, it's second nature. How can I admit that I'm wrong or I've mistreated you as a man, without looking/sounding like a bi***? That's my truth. I rationalized as: if I admit that I'm wrong, if I express how I really feel...I'm gonna come across like I'm soft! Once again, that last sentence is a clear example of me having too much pride! Learning how to communicate when there's a problem starts at home when you're young. For some of us, we were never taught to express ourselves especially as boys. Your father didn't wanna hear that crying s***!
"Man up! Stop with that crying, you sound like a little girl!"
If we've experienced getting cut off while we're trying to express ourselves- we shut down. When the convo goes from: inside voice to outside voice- we tune you out. If these things (and more) continuously happen, we'll become uncomfortable and shut down or react in an irrational manner. When it comes to insecurities, those can stem from: a past friendship/relationship, the loss of a parent, not having a parent around, or maybe it's a generational curse.
"I don't know how to communicate to you because my mother/father didn't do that with me," lies true with a lot men.
My pops didn't (verbally) communicate to me...he whipped my ass. My mother did her best but she died right before I could actually learn something of value from her and my step moms did her best but...bless her heart. Life's experiences taught me how to better communicate.
There were times I would come to you and say, "I don't like it when you do this or that," or "I hate it that you accuse me of yada yada and it's not even true," and you would turn around and say, "ok babe, I'll work on it." And you did work on it but...I was blind to the fact that you were making an attempt to change for the betterment of us because all I would do is bring up old sh** and make it relevant again. So, like a d***, I would continuously point out the little sh** and make it bigger than it really was. You wanted for me to acknowledge the fact that you're taking steps to make things right and all I did was find a way to discredit you. How can one see the good in a person, when you don't see the good they do? Read that one more time. You changed for us, but I changed us...for the worse.
WHAT I KNOW NOW...
Communication is key. Too many times we as men use the excuse of "not being good at communicating our feelings," but are quick to communicate when we want sex- funny how that works. Knowing how to communicate effectively, cuts down on misunderstandings and mistreatment within the relationship. I should've came to you more to ease the tension amongst us. I should've expressed, how I felt all those times you cried about me not understanding the strain I was putting on the relationship. I should've talked more...
WHAT I'VE SAID
(L)ove... "you? How can you think I don't love you, sh** I love you more than I love my damn self! I f*** up, I can admit that but don't say I don't love you because I do..."
We as men will play these games and get to the end of playing them to only realize we were losing all along.
I took your love for granted- "nah, she ain't goin nowhere bro, I got this!"
I manipulated you- "If you don't like the things I say or do then why you with me to begin with! You think someone is gonna put up with that kid sh** you do?!"
...but what I really meant was,
"if you don't like what I say or do then leave because I'm not about to kiss your ass but if you do leave then ima make you feel bad about that sh** every second, minute, hour, day you're away!"
I alienated you within the relationship- "ok, you lettin me stay with you and I appreciate that but I don't feel the need to talk to you all the damn time! We been together how long now...what else is there to talk about if you text me all day! Sh** is annoying...I'll talk to you when I feel like it."
I threatened to leave. I disrespected you. But through all that, I had the audacity to turn around and say, "I love you." You grew tired of that sh**, like most women do but you stayed because you didn't know what else was out there for you because all you knew was me...
till you left.
I knew how much you loved me and how much it hurt to see me begging for that chance but you needed to do something for you, for once.
There...there were times who you cried yourself to sleep and me wrapping my arm around you just didn't work. Who cares that I cooked for you, when the night before I put you through hell! I never did or said anything to maliciously hurt you, I hope you understand.
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS...
(E)ternally...I'm grateful because you've helped me become a better man...
We all have that "one" that we see ourselves settling down with. We are gonna make mistakes, I guess that's in the nature of being a man. I thought the love you had for a person ended when you no longer had that person but...I was wrong. I wasn't honest with myself because for the longest time, I never let go of my mother promising to love me forever and never leaving so much so I placed those burdens on our relationship. I always thought you would leave me like she did so I pushed because who wants to feel that hurt again?. You may never love me the same and I'm fine with that. I know you're happy...my soul is at ease, finally, because I know you're happy. I just wanted that one chance, one opportunity to show you I had my sh** together and I was the man you needed but, it was too late. I lost everything when I lost you; literally and figuratively speaking and it was my own doing. As as you're happy, I'm good. The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord," so I guess the guy who decides to marry you, obtains that favor. I'm not even sure if you're still with the same guy but all I do know is...you're marrying the wrong man and nothing will ever change that feeling. We as men might not never admit that we can see ourselves with just one, starting a family with just one, getting down on one knee for just one, spending the rest of our lives with just one...but I can...I have. For all those times you cried and I didn't care. For all those times you wanted me to listen, that I didn't hear. For all those times you put you before we and I put pride in the middle of that. For all those times you were right, and I wasn't. For all those times you held on to us and I let ago...I'm sorry. The last thing you said to me was,
"I...I'm not in love with you anymore,"
But I knew that before that night.
@renaissance_brotha_
