Commitment, Soulda Brought You Home

For some, transitioning from the single life into the dating world and then into a relationship can be frightening! You go from being able to do what you want, when you want and not having to answer to anyone one minute. Dating and getting to know someone  and slowly but surely, letting your guard down the next. Then you find yourself in a relationship, committed to this ONE person, with the possibility of spending the rest of your life with them!

Commitment *sigh* commitment is one of those words that usually sends a person (typically men) running for dear life! For some, it can be a very scary thing; settling down with one person for the rest of your life? You'd rather take your chances voting for Trump and have him run the country! I get it. No seriously...I get it! A serious, monogamous relationship? That sh*t sounds like an oxymoron! To put your loyalty and trust into a person, after being done wrong before? That sh** is a challenge and for many folks...it's a challenge that not many wanna take on.

*class is in session*

Today's class is a serious one because so many single men and women suffer from commitment anxiety. The fear of taking that next step in the relationship, scares us to the point that we either sabotage it or we take flight. For men, it could be the idea of being with ONE woman...

For women, it could be that the last few dudes she gave her all to, did her so bad...she'd rather let Helen Keller blow dry her hair in the shower! Whatever the reasoning is- it's real- really real! It could be you or your partner, who just might not be ready to make that commitment. If you're rushing into things, you're not allowing time to show you if this person is for you or not- you're a dumbass! Timing is everything and just because you feel ready doesn't necessarily mean that the other person feels the same. Here are some reasons as to why some folks just can't find it in then to commit:

 

My Childhood Wasn't Shit:

Many of us watched The Cosby Show and fell in love with how Cliff loved Clair and how amazing their marriage/friendship was, despite it only being a TV show. Here you had this man, who loved this woman deeply and showed it, but growing up? Bruh...we ain't see that sh**! Daddy wasn't around and mommy had dudes in and out the house, baaaaack to back. Or your father had so many "sisters", your Christmas was always something to look forward to! If your childhood set a bad example as to what a relationship/marriage should look like; commitment to you as an adult now, is a foreign concept. You have some that learned that, ok, I need to be better than my childhood showed me, but then you have many others who saw what was going on and mimicked that behavior once they got older and said f*ck it, ima be a playa for life! That level of commitment anxiety is at the core of who you are and no amount of sex or sharing of passwords can undo what was done. If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...you may wanna look back on what your childhood showed you growing up.

 

I've Been Hurt, SOOOO Bad:

As a single man; I have a real fear of being hurt again! Not punched in your arm by your big brother kinda hurt; I'm talking getting your heart torn to mother*cking shreds! Many of you reading this have been hurt so bad, to the very core of you; that you gotta ask Young Metro if the person you're seeing can be trusted or not! The pain be that real!

 

Student: Its not that I can't trust or I dont want to trust them; hooooow can I trust them, when I've been done so wrong in my past? I'm not playing victim and I'm not placing all the blame on the other person because I'm partly to blame, as well but there is pain there!. I just find it hard to commit to a person because I have given my all in the past and got taken advantage of.

 

And I emphasize and sympathize  with that because I'm sure many can relate, hell, I can relate and understand! You give your all and you get cheated on and you've been nothing but loyal and faithful to that person? What the... You get into a relationship and you start to seeing signs of your partner not being 100% honest with you and you turn into Usain Bolt! If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...you may want to address your past issues and get over them instead of running away from them.

I'm Not A Fan Of Being Abused:
Physical abuse is damaging but when a person abuses your mind? It's hard to recondition yourself from months, even years, of being told that you ain't sh** without me and being treated like you're never good enough from a person who claimed to love you. You also have emotional abuse where, once again, your partner makes you feel and treats you sh** and does little to rectify their wrongs and or comfort you, when you're in need. Then you also have the abuse you sustain from dealing with a toxic person; the type of a person who is no good to themselves nor you, so they plague the relationship with their bad energy and vibes. You wanna commit but you're forcing yourself to see past the fact that y'all two just don't vibe. You wanna commit but the person has a bad habit of blowing up on you and calling it their "way of showing love"- nah b. Abuse, on any level, has helped to instill fear in a person, thus, making it hard for them to commit. If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...look at the types of abuse you've dealt with, to help better understand.

Fear Being Of Taking Advantage Of:
You have some people whose intentions aren't honorable and that's the problem. Some people aren't looking for a relationship...they're looking for help. Some people aren't looking for a partner to grow and build with...they're looking for someone to help them, temporarily. When I say help I mean ways they can HELP themselves and themselves, ONLY!

• I love you...let's move in together.
• I love you, but let me borrow some money because I spent all my money on a new outfit, these shoes, and I went out to get some drinks with my friends.
• I love you...but I think we would be better as friends because I'm not ready to settle down just yet. (after 3 years of being together).

If you've experienced any one of those or anything else along those lines, then that says a lot about why you can't get with the idea of commitment. Nowadays it's like you give someone your heart and they want: the key, your heart, your soul, your great grandmother's Mac n' cheese recipe, and your social security number! If you're wondering why you have a hard time committing...maybe it's the fact that you're not looking forward to being taken advantage of.

Why You Wanna Change Me:
It takes years for us to establish who we are as individuals. Through life's experiences and lessons we learn from dealing with people, we tend to form our own identity and then take that into a relationship. So by the time we get into one and we say and or do something that our partner may not necessarily like...it turns us off. You want me to change, who I am, just because you lack understanding or it makes you feel insecure or yada yada yada? See ya! The moment you feel like you can't be your true self, is the moment you begin to shut down and look for a way out. I don't want to have to ever mold myself to be something or someone I'm not- period! You don't want that person to get close to you because they're already showing you signs of why you shouldn't let your guard down!

***Notice I said signs and not SIGN because a or even a couple (2) things isn't a reason to take flight***

On top of that, you got your friends constantly telling you how much you've changed since you've been in this relationship. Sometimes we get into a relationship and our friends will clown us so much on how this person has us acting this way or that way- we endh e relationship. You know how many relationships have ended due to friends who've felt some kinda way? Plenty...and plenty more will end, as the years go on. You may have a hard time committing because you find it hard to find that balance of self and being in a relationship.

More 'Me' Than 'You':
Some people will get into a relationship and become so dependent on their partner that it becomes unhealthy. You tend to neglect your friends, often times expect them to spend more time with you, than their own friends, and you even talk less "me" time. When you sit and try to justify it- yeah it makes sense because that's your partner, but once you really rationalize it...that's a lot of time to be spending WITH your partner! One of the reasons people have a hard time committing to a person who doesn't have a life, outside of them, is the pressure they put on them to spend large chucks of time together. I gotta work and or go to school, time with my kids, and then I gotta spend the rest of my time with you? What about me tho!? I don't wanna spend 90% of my time with you; I NEED some alone time and I WANT some time to chill with my friends- plain and simple. I, myself, have been in love with a woman so deeply that I did neglect my friends and it scared her away because all I wanted to do was spend all my time with her. Men, typically don't want to spend every damn breath under a woman because to us, that reads as her being clingy. Committing to someone who doesn't commit to anything or even themselves, outside of the relationship...spooky. If you're wondering why you're having a hard time committing...look at the time you're spending with your partner vs. the time you spend outside of them.

If you relate to any of what I said today, then I would strongly encourage you to work on yourself before you get into a relationship. So much gets said about wasting each other's time and when we knowingly have a fear of committing to one person and one person only...that's the biggest waste of a persons time! As a man- I don't want my time fu***** wasted! If that means I become a best selling author 5 years from now and I still find myself single- so be it! So many people are afraid of getting into a relationship or even marrying someone because they have so many unresolved issues, they've yet to address with their partner and themselves. If you find yourself in a 3 year relationship with a man and marriage convos keep gettin danced around- it might be time for you to put your foot down or get to steppin! If you're dating a woman and she's still entertaining her ex but down plays it to "just a friendship" that she's not willing to let go...you might wanna put your foot down or get to steppin! Yes, the fear of committing to the wrong person is real! Yes, wasting your time with a person who gives you the run around is annoying! Yes, I will beat that ass if...the point I'm tryna make is that we have to do better- we have to (hand clap) do (hand clap) better (hand clap, hand clap)! Give me a good enough reason to commit to you! I nee confidence. I need to be able to trust you. I need to be able to talk through all of our problems and don't rely on sex to make s*** right! You've been hurt, I've been hurt, but let's take more steps towards taking down those bricks and stop ignoring signs because we don't wanna be alone. At what age do you get rid of the excuses as to why you're still f****** single? At what age do you work on letting go of the hurt and taking steps to a better you? At what age...do you stop allowing what has happened, to you, to keep you from finding love?

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend...whose been cheated on

All emails/text/DMs/calls are 100% confidental. Names, dates, times, and places have been changed to protect the innocent.

Viewer discretion is advised.

"Aye bruh. My nigga I just wanna say I fucks wit ya page n I would respect it if u kept it g wit me bruh. I got a shawty man n she hold a nigga DOWN fr fr! I trap ... Ima keep it 💯 she don't care she just want a nigga to be good. I kno u give out advice to girls but I need help homie - bitch cheated on me bruh. I Neva fucked another chick just got head 1 time n I told her dat like a real nigga n she seem cool ya dig. But I found out she been fuckib other dudes n real shit it hurt. I take her on trips, send flowers to her school n all that shit u be talkin bout but idk y she did a nigga dirty man. Way I do? I kno I can be stand off ish at times but peep I talks wit her. She got the password to my jack n all dat smh I'm hurt b. U the only nigga I cud think of to help. Why she cheat on a nigga?? I read ya shit fr fr u b droppin law on niggas n niggas be SLEEP! U can tell u been hurt no homo my nigga but help me out. Idk if u help dudes out but write one of them blogs man fr fr hold real niggas down becuz real niggas fuck n respect u even if they dnt like ya shit. I been wit shawty for yrs b n to fuck other niggas??? I'm steamed bruh. N don't let these IG haters fuck wit u bruh! U not big off this shit but u will b I know it. God got u. Let me know if u can help, I do read ya blogs u funny nigga like Kevin hart wit the pen ass nigga. Let me kno bruh."

*****
I remember being out with some co workers at the Taco Bell by Union Square Park (Manhattan, New York) on a Friday night in May, when I found out my girl was cheating. She literally walked in with not a care in the world, holding this nig- dude's hand n'shit and she didn't even notice she had literally walked past me. It's crazy because I literally watched as she kissed him and he grabbed her ass- not just a lil bit- her whole, ASS! I wanted to run up and whip his ass and then drag her, but what I do? Text her.

Hey big head you home?
Hey baby! I actually JUST got in not too long ago. I miss you...how was work?

Just got in? When I tell you I never looked so hard at my phone in my life!!! *sigh* I let her walk out with the guy. I figured this had to be karma for the shit I've done in my life because there was no damn way, that THIS shit just happened the way it did! I get back to my spot and guess who ass is in my bed? Yup; laying there like a f****** newborn. I literally wanted to elbow drop her, but what I do? Wake her up. Long story short: she admitted to cheating and part of her reason was because I didn't give her enough attention. I had to hit her with the,

Not enough attention? I remember almost tossing her poodle over her balcony when she said that s***! I cooked, cleaned, took her on dates, supported her when she went back to school, hell, I even wrote 80% of her papers! I thought I was doing everything right and guess what- she still found reason(s) to cheat. I didn't even cheat on her ass and guess what? She still found reason(s) to cheat. Sometimes we're the reason and don't even know it and other times, it really just be the deep rooted insecurities of an individual that will lead them to cheat.

So I Have This Friend...whose been cheated on.

The last So I Have This Friend... was done exactly 11 months ago today and to me that's crazy because it was at one point, where I had a bunch of people hittin me up, asking me to make a blog about their situation. So I Have This Friend... is where someone reaches out to me for my perspective about their current situation and not just offer advice back to them, but also to convey said advice in form a blog. It's rare that a guy ever hits me up and ask for advice but when one does take the time, I'm there because I really do feel we as men should be more open minded to helping other men out in their time of need. It's crazy because I had already planned on doing a piece on women that cheat and his timing was perfect! While every single relationship is different; a woman's reasoning for cheating is different. Allow me to provide you with some reasons as to why I feel that a woman may cheat.

Your Dick Is Corny But You're Not:
Many women will stay in a relationship where they're not being satisfied physically, but are being taken care of in other areas. When ya'll first started having sex and it was bad, it was cool because she chalked it up to: either her having really good p**** and or to the fact that she liked you so much. While the sex was nothing to write home about, she stayed loyal because she saw past your inability to make her cum. She ignored your limp-no motion in the ocean-weak stroking dick ass because you were a good guy and you ate the the p**** decent. A few years later after failed attempts of tryna show you where her g-spot was, different positions, trying different food/drinks, pills, pumps, a failed threesome, and so on and so forth...she decided to cheat. It's wasn't you...well, it was YOU, but not who you were as a person but your penis...or lack thereof. (some) Women will stay down and others will say f**k it- it's time to get some better dick! It may not even be a new guy, it could very well be an ex who she's curved time and time again because at the time she felt like nothing was worth ruining what the both of ya'll had. It's always best to communicate with your partner when it comes to sex because while she may never say anything to you; she could very well be faking it with you and getting dick'd down by someone else.

Tables Turn:
You mentioned the fact that you got head and also how you fessed up to your wrong doings and I salute that! Do I agree with getting head outside of your relationship? *eh* While I have my thoughts on that; it's evident that your lady felt differently, regardless of the fact that you kept it real. Cheating is wrong- period. The price we have to pay for cheating is either:

- your partner leaves
- stays but finds it hard to trust you again
- works though the infidelity
- cheats

In this case, she cheated because you cheated. Now, is that the real reason she cheated? It very well could be but you won't know until it's time for you to know! A man can find out he's been cheated on at 7:32 PM, Friday night and will be balls deep in p**** by 2:13 AM, Saturday morning! Women tend not to operate like that. A woman will take her time, cry, talk it over with friends/family, and if she's put it in her mind that she's gonna move forward and cheat-

"Congratulations, you played yourself!" - The Honorable, DJ Khaled

You're Not The Same Guy She Fell In Love With:
As the relationship continues to progress, you changed. Dating stopped. The romance died out. Sex doesn't haven't that POW like it used to. You don't even tell her she's beautiful anymore. Whatever the case is- you're not the same guy. This could be a mental, physical, emotional, and or a spiritual change on your part and as a man, it's a tough thing to convey to your woman because of how she might take it. It could be a number of reasons as to why you're not the same guy she fell head over heels for, but what I do know is, whatever reasons you changed...she cheated for. Some dudes get too lazy and allow the fact that the woman they HAVE...can't be become the woman they've HAD! If you're not doing your job, I promise you she will find a dude who is willing to do your job and then some!

Emotional Disconnect:
Sometimes cheating isn't strictly a physical thing. Sometimes cheating can be a mental thing and if it is *long whistle*. I had f***ed this chick and ended up telling my girl at the time and we worked through it, but what we couldn't work through was the fact that I had fallen for the girl I had sex with. She didn't care about the 7 mins of sex; she cared about my emotional attachment, with the girl. Years later I had the same thing happen to me and it hurt me deeeeeeeeep, bruh! The idea of your woman sucking another man the same way she sucks you is sickening enough but the idea of another man getting treated like a king? Enough to make you wanna kill her ass! She doesn't even have to have sex with a dude, but if she's devoting her time, energy, and affection to another man- it's game over. The moment you put your woman in a position to be taken by another man (or woman); I don't care if you cry on yo knees and have Tank sing in the background...it's game over. Women mentally cheat first and then physically cheat and once they've committed themselves to doing both- it's game over.

Robotic Man:
The gifts are the same. The sex is the same. The dates are the same. The sex is the same. S*** is as predictable as a as Scooby-Doo Mystery! You don't make your woman feel special and that's why she's at the Four Seaons...drinking some chilled wine...getting her vagina ate with pineapple chucks! She's telling you that she NEEDS MORE and you change for what, a week? Ha! If a woman takes the time to TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG and you do little to fix it; you kinda, sorta deserve to be cheated on! Women are simple: treat them right and they will treat you better! A predictable ass relationship will make her bored and start to inch her way out. "You wanna go to Olive Garden bae?" - Whatever you wanna do bae. "Can we have sex tonight?" - I'm not in the mood tonight (4th night in a row). (some) Women don't come to you to nag- they come to you because they're getting bored of the f**k s***! Sneak in a movie and have sex! Surprise her with flowers and lunch at her job! Come up with a f*****g scavenger hunt that leads her to your place for a candlelight dinner! I'm not making any excuses for women who cheat but if shawty f**ked and sucked another man the way she does you...you're not gonna slide in @conscious_casey's DM and see what her mind do?

Love Sabotage:
She stayed with you through thick and thin and to be completely honesty, her ass got tired after like 7 months of the bullsh*** but she stayed. She knew a long ass time ago that she wanted to leave you, but sometimes love will keep you in a situation way longer than you attended on staying! She dropped hints- didn't work. Caused arguments, for no damn reason- didn't work. Withheld sex- didn't work. Instead of saying, "hey, this isn't working," like an adult- she cheated. At this point, she's bold with her s***, like- she doesn't give a f***! (Samuel L. Jackson voice) She's all on Instagram making some dude her MCM. She's taking convos late at night in the other room. She's texting another dude while you're sitting right next to her- she's #NoChillCynthia! Listen to me when I tell you this: WOMEN ARE BETTER CHEATERS!!! You think you figured it out on some detective sh**? You ain't Inspector Gadget, bro! She got caught on purpose and now you're left to decide: should you stay or should you go?

The Hilary Clinton Theory:
Hilary Clinton has made herself appealing to not just the women or the white voters but also the Black voters, as well (take that how you want). She's been dancing and speaking slang, why? Because she's hungry for that vote, bihh! You think she wanna be out here in these political streets seen dabbin? Heeeeeelllllllllll no- she's tryna validate her candidacy by appealing to the Black voters! Women who battle with low self esteem and insecurity issues are the same way- they're looking for people (primarily men) to validate their looks and sometimes their worth. She can currently have a boyfriend who loves her like her father but her ex BF Michael done damaged her so damn baaaaaad- bruh! You can love her with all you have...she'll still feel like that's not enough. She's on Instagram being lusty. Snapchat being thirsty. On Facebook fishing for compliments because no matter how much attention you give her...it's not enough. Yes, low self esteem will lead a woman to cheat on you. I had a woman cheat on me because she felt I didn't give her enough attention and I gave her all my time and attention- just wasn't enough. Just like Hilary's doing- many women are appealing to an array of guys, looking for love and accept in all the wrong places.

She's A Hoe, Bro:
Some women just don't give a f*** and will be with you but will being fu**ing her ex and @therealktrends and seriously...not think there's a problem! I don't bash and I don't judge; there are just some women who have a hard time staying faithful to ONE man. I know a lot of men who remain loyal to unfaithful women because they look good and because of their popularity. I know a lot of men who have put rings on women who have slept with their enemies and thought nothing, about it! I know plenty of women who are currently in relationships, but act single! Dudes settle for hoes all the time and try to make them housewives- hahahahahahahahahahaha...HA! You'd be more successful at getting the government to admit that there's a cure for HIV/AIDS!

I've learned that women cheat for reasons that we may or may. It wanna believe. We as men can be of quality material and can still get cheated on. We as men can: cheat, lie, abuse, and so on and so forth and will get mad...once she's decided to move on. If you're treating your partner like sh** and you KNOW you're treating your partner like sh**- how could you be mad? Men won't forgive a woman who has cheated but will threaten to kill everybody, including the family dog, if they're not given one more chance! I firmly believe in second chances but second chances should be YOU proving yourself to be trusted again! You got a lil head, admitted it to her, and she turned around f***ed other dudes- ya'll both wrong! You're wrong for cheating in the first place and she's wrong for cheating back, on you. No one is more wrong than the other in my opinion because if she felt strongly about you cheating...she should've left. I already know you're not gonna be able to forgive because in your mind, all you see is dudes f***ing her the same way you do. If you as a man honestly feel like you can move forward and if she's willing to stop cheating- by all means, work through and progress forward amicably. I personally don't think you should stay and allow her to cheat because what does that say about your integrity? Men and cheat for different reasons and a woman will be quick to forgive and even trust you again- with time. But why is it that we as men aren't as forgiving? Bro, I hope this helps you out and I pray ya'll get through because if you don't...

I hope you can enjoy a nice, cold glass of ice tea with a splash of henny and lemon!

@renaissance_brotha_