Petty Pedi Police

This blog is about the importance of getting a pedicure…for women. You may be thinking to yourself, “who the hell is he…the pedi police?” and the answer to that thought is, yes. Yes, I, AM! (Kevin Hart voice). Seriously tho, getting a pedi is serious business and if a guy says it’s not, he’s a liar and we all know how much you ladies de-SPISE lairs! All of what you’re about to read comes from a good place, a loving place, and is not intended to bash women or anybody else’s thoughts and/or opinion on the subject matter. Consider this a PSA and if you don’t know what that means


Pedi Service Announcement

*class is in session*

I rarely blame things on others, but this will solely be blamed on my ex…name isn’t important. I remember when we first started dating and I would always and I mean ALWAYS see her with her nails and toes done. It wasn't a big deal until one day, we were talking and I said, and I quote, “you always get ya damn feet down! NO ONE EVER SEE’S THEM BESIDES ME!” I SWEAR I got the only lecture about the importance of maintaining your feet and yada yada…worst 48 mins of my LIFE! Even though we're broken up, till this day a lot of what was said was true and it stuck with me, so to her...thank you. My opinion tho, getting a pedi is a…wait for it…A MUST! Just like you don’t want a dude with ashy hands rubbing on your skin or with his pants saggin, we as dudes don’t want no hammer-time feet with polish that looks like ya lil sista did it while you were sleep, point-blank-period! I digress...

The “Chippy D” Toe:
…and I’m not talkin about Laurence Fishburne’s daughter. I’m referring to the fact that a female will get her toes done and she might bump something and now the nails look all chipped and what not…not cool. There’s no reason why you should have a fresh pedi, but your nails are all chipped up like an old Nas grill (mouth) or like a now Fabolous grill. How do you solve this problem? Do something about it immediately! Don't wait till someone says something to you because then you'll just look stupid, that simple.Just like you get your eyebrows shaped up or whatever you call it, get them nails trimmed. There's never a need to come into the bed with nails that can slice and dice onions and trim the fat off chicken breast, #ThatsThatIshIDontLike.

The "Half Polished" Toe:
You ever seen the Incredible Hulk movie when somebody has pissed him off and the lovable Bruce Banner turns into the mean, green Hulk? Well, that’s EXACTLY how I feel, whenever I see toes half polished...but only in my head tho. You mean to tell me that you couldn't finish applying the bumble bee yellow to the remainder of you big toe? You mean to tell me you were in THAT much of a rush that you couldn't let them nails of yours dry and now it looks like a kindergartner was finger painting on them?! You mean to tell me, 2/5th’s of your foot is done, but you were too damn lazy to finish the REST but can update ya FB status, tweet, create, edit, and post a Vine video, and like pics AND post on Instagram?!?! Half polished feet + YOU = a half ass person! Yup, I said it.

The "Lil Sista Done" Toe:
Kris: “Oh, I let Bri Bri do my nails Ant, how they look tho?”
Me: "...turnt down, that’s how!!"

I understand you're tryna be nice and let your sister do your nails, but if she has your feet looking like Michael J. Fox tryna sign his signa...never mind, I won’t go there, just don’t let her do it. The moment you put on some gladiators sandals or any kinda open toed shoes with a maxi dress or some short-shorts and expect to NOT be the the object of ridicule, you (hand clap) have (hand clap) lost (hand clap) your (hand clap) mind (hand clap) boo boo. mistaken boo. Here's what you do: after she does them, give her a hug, wait for her to go to sleep, remove the polish, go to Bonita Nailz in the morning and have Daisy do them over. I, other men, Daisy, and even your lil sister will appreciate your toes. Hell, you can even say to her, "Bri Bri, look how good they came out! Girlll, ima let you do my nails all the time!"...a lil white lie, she aint even know it.
So what to take away from this?

Summer is a few days away, so, them lumpy, chipped nails, uneven toe nails, toe nails that are too long, is downright NASTY! N-A-S-T-Y, NASTY! Trust me when I tell you ladies, we as men pay attention and I don’t care HOW fly and pretty you are, we are paying attention to the lil things. If your J-Brand jeans fit nice and them sandals look cute but are occupied by some ugly ass toes, ima let you know the nicest way possible: take yo petty pedi ass to the nail salon and get them worked on. Truthfully, now that the warmer weather is here, I've been getting my pedi on. Why may you ask…because if I go to the beach or even a pool party, I wanna make sure not only my body looks good, but my feet look good as well. Also, how would I look if I didn't practice what I preach! Pedis cost about $15 or slight less or more (plus tip) depending where you go but if times are that hard, you can always do them yourself. Go to CVS, Walgreens, or Rite Aid and get cuticle remover for your weekly touch ups and nail polish and get to painting (I really blame this bit of info on my ex). A woman with a fresh pedicure, will get; shopping sprees, cooked dinner, and tickets to see the Mrs. Carter concert, sex, and more importantly head...women love head (insert wink)

...but not by me of course, but, other dudes who believe in that foolishness.

*class dismissed*

Ladies, I would like to hear from you (fellas as well): what's your position on seeing toes undone? Is getting a pedi important to you? How often do you recommend going?

P.S. my b-day was yesterday (yup, I'm a Gemini) so gifts are still welcomed: twerk videos, cardigans, home cooked meals, ummm, gift cards, twerk videos, and money. Be sure to contact me at brotharena...just joking. 

@Renaissance_Brotha_