Nutty As Squirrel Sh*t

Her: "I'm not crazy (insert creepy laugh) I just don't take no sh*t!"
Me: *side-eye*
Her: "Why you look at me like that? You think I'm crazy? I won't get offended if you do...do you?"
Me: "Anybody that laughs after they say they're NO..."
Her: *shakes head* "But you don't even know me like that! This is our first date!"
Me: "You didn't even let me finish tho!"
Her: "You didn't have to! Don't worry, because you won't be gettin no more text from me you bastard! The sex would've been great too...guess you'll never know huh."
*gets up and walks out*
Me: "But I only asked if you wanted a bottle of wine!"

When I tell you I literally asked, "would you like a bottle of wine?" and she literally went left field...heavens!

*class is in session*

I like women. I like women on dates, I like them in a library. I like them at the grocery store, I like them in a church praising the lord. I like dating. I like the fact that you get an opportunity to enjoy the company of a nice woman, indulge in stimulating conversation, but more importantly, you get to eat (I love eating)! What I don't like is:

• bad service
• late arrivals
• cold food
• women who know they're crazy but hide that sh*t very well via FaceTime, text, and phone calls.

Bit*h, if you know you crazy, you might wanna tell me that before I order the steak and shrimp with extra mash so I can end the date on yo crazy ass!

I despise crazy women like New York Knicks fans despise LeBron James and the Miami Heat! When I say crazy, I mean: show up to your job, with her homegirl and her crying ass baby in the back, after not receiving a text from you in 4 1/2 hours because I'm ACTUALLY doing work, and been too busy to respond, "ok," to some sh*t that is completely irrelevant...ready to stab me up.

Listen, I know getting to know a woman is great and all especially if you can see yourself being with her for forever and a day, BUT, we as men have to STOP ignoring the signs! If Jesus shows up in one of your dreams like, "Bro, leave that b**** Tammy alone! My pops created her in his light but her ass...will have you under the investigators light confessing like you on the First 48 about where you put her body!"

DON'T IGNORE JESUS! You block CRAZY women on your phone, not the blessings of the lord!

So fellas, here's some sh*t you might wanna keep in mind when you decide your next partner...

good lookin + own job/car/crib x sketchy personality = single:
Im not saying that (all) good lookin' women are the crazy...ok, yes I am! Halle Berry: crazy. (RIP) Left Eye: was crazy! Angela Bassett in Waiting To Exhale: I mean, sure, her husband left her for some snow bunny , but you SEEN what she did to that car? Crazy! Lorena Bobbitt: cut her husband's penis off starting at the baaasee! Fellas: she might be thicka than a bible with a face like a young Halle, but if you notice she laughs in the middle of an argument after yelling for a combined total of 33-damn minutes or hits you up over and over and over whenever you stop talking for an hour or so; don't ignore that! She's the one that will post some subliminal sh*t on one of these social networks about you, not even knowing you were sleep the whole time or show up to your house on some, "so who is she?". Once you've gotten the chance to get to know her and you notice she might look better in a straight jacket-chuck, chuck up the deuces!

crazy women have the best p****:
They sure do and on top of all that, a good amount are as single as a counterfeit bill, in a stripper's ass at your local strip club. She might have you show up to church with a condom on JUST so y'all can f*ck after service because her sh*t is that good; she'll also bust the windows out ya car quicker than Jazmine Sullivan the moment you don't throw the d*ck her way or the moment she thinks you're cheating. I know what you're thinking, "why would I stop messing with her, if her sex is great?". Because you like living right? Ok, good. That show Snapped is very real! We as dudes have to stop continuing these sexual activities with women who we perceive as crazy...and then get mad when we find our car on four flats, after telling her, "I don't see this going anywhere outside of the sex.". Before you even think about f***in, simply ask her, "you crazy or nah?".

"WHO YOU TALKIN TO LIKE THAT ANTHONY!?!
(insert laugh)
YOU THINK THIS SHIT IS A GAME? I GOT YOU!":
Any grown ass women who laughs in the middle of an argument, to me, is certified crazy! Why are you laughing? Did I fart? Women usually go from sane to crazy in the blink of an eye:

1. "I told you to stop talking to her, didn't I?! So that means, yo ass don't respect me nor this relationship/marriage huh."
2. gets closer to you, still talking in the same tone, just a little more aggression.
3. *starts to put her index finger in your face, touching your forehead and/or nose*
4. "I (claps hands) DON'T (claps hands) CARE (claps hands) IF (claps hands) Y'ALL (claps hands) DID (claps hands) BOOK (claps hands) REPORTS (claps hands) TOGETHER! YOU (claps hands) DON'T (claps hands) TALK (claps hands) TO HER (claps hands) (claps hands)!".
5. (insert weird ass laugh)
6. *clams down*
7. Lastly, wild ass threat or ultimatum.

If she laughs while the two of you are arguing; she's about to turn it the f*ck up!

"...so who is she?":
Females have a tendency to be catty for no damn reason or for childish ones, take your pick. The only females she likes are her "ride or dies", "day 1s", besties, family members, and her nail/hair salon lady...and half the time, she don't even like them b****es! A woman will question you about the server at Denny's if you stare too long,

waitress: "Ok, so I'll be right back with your drinks and I'll go put that order in."
you: "Thank you."
her: "Oh, so you know her or something? I mean, tuuh, the way you was lookin her up and down, what, she was, serving you the p**** too?!"

Sometimes guys can go a lil' overboard with checking a female out but the ones who don't, will STILL be subjected to an integration. Every time she comes to you or sends you a screenshot about some chick that likes your pics and always leaves comments, it's like that baby that always cries during Sunday service and the mother who does sh*t about it; it's annoying! Men don't know everybody who they follow and respond to ladies! Should I question your non-celebrity #ManCrush every Monday on Instagram? Didn't think so.

kinda-sorta-maybe-ex boyfriend:
If she gives you some reason for still entertaining one of her ex BF's and they DON'T have a child together but she calls him all types of bad names, she's either: still f***'in him, has hope for the two of them in a future, or she's tryna make you jealous. Yes, you can still be friends with your ex. I mean, I would hope you guys started out as friends and then made that transition into a relationship but there's no room for her to still be entertaining him, while she's tryna build with you. How it reads is: yeah, I like you but I still kinda like my ex who drove me to you. Bit**, you wanna be petty, take yo petty ass back to him n'shit.

shaves her head bald:
Cassie looks amazing with the half shaved head and half long hair...or maybe it's because I like half&half drinks; who knows. What I do know is that a woman who decides to shave her damn head bald better be in her 40s going natural because if you're 20 something, either:

A) some dude did something to her which lead her to doing that (e.g. Brittney Spears)
B) she's f***ed up mentally (e.g. Amanda Bynes)
C) she got gum stuck deep within her hair
D) she's about to study and become a monk.

Yes, it might look sexy on Cassie or if you're a model but come on, shaving your head is a cry for help! Amanda Bynes went from "thatsss me!" to piercing her dimples like a stripper by the name of Black Chyna, lusting for Drake, and shaving half her damn head, looking like a powdered damn Dunkin' Donuts munchkin! Stay clear homies.

"that's why your mother is dead bitch!":
I remember hearing this come outta my brother's baby mama's mouth around the time my sister was prego and all I remember is my sister about to hop out the car and whip her ass. This all happened because we wanted to take my nephew to Chuck-e-Cheese. If a woman can fix her lips to say some crazy personal sh*t against you...clearly she needs Jesus, a shot of Jack, and a shot to the head!

Ok, I'm joking on that last one

But that's not the type of woman that you need in your life. I will say this: if she can demean you in a manner that is suppose to be sacred between the two of you, then that says a lot about the person than what was said.

more importantly fellas...

stay clear:
I don't care if you have to change your name on all social networks, move, change your numbers/email, all of that; if the sh*t gotta be done, the sh*t gotta be done! Take yo ass to church, read your bible, build a stronger connection with Jesus if you have to. Continuing to deal with someone who is crazy all because you think it will pan itself out after the 58th argument is illogical. You either cut her loose or find yourself at some bar, buying drinks, gettin drunk, and coming back to your place on fire all because you ain't answer that "I'm talkin to you, I don't like to be ignored, you wouldn't like me when I'm ignored," text.

Now I know a lot you ladies are gonna respond with, "well, don't blame us for being crazy! Men do all this sh*t to us and then wanna say we're crazy like they aren't the reason why! Maybe the men need to look at themselves!". Yes, it's not a one party blame but if Chris Brown said his reason for allegedly beating on Rhi Rhi was because she drove him crazy, so his only defense was to practice his karate moves on her...how incredibly stupid would that sound!!! "Y'all mad at me but she provoked me to beat her up. She needs to check herself and hat forehead...make sure y'all check out my new album too coming out." (Chris Brown voice). Last time I checked, people are in total control of their own actions and using a copout excuse like, "he made me this way," is idiotic and senseless, so, to you ladies, I say; save ya sh*t for the bathroom toilet. Men shouldn't further deal with a woman who is notably bat sh*t crazy and try to justify her actions as being rationale just to get the sex. If she's crazy...

Let her be crazy and alone somewhere far, far away where Shrek and Donkey saved Princess Fiona from that dragon.

@renaissance_brotha_

So She Cheated on You, With Dave From Work

*class is in session*

Whenever you hear there’s been cheating in a relationship, I'm almost certain your mind jumps directly to placing blame on the man!

"DAMN! I wonder how SHE’S doin”…or “Just like a dude to cheat, mmhmm…they all DOGS!”

Yes, dudes cheat, just like the person who didn't bother to study in Math class for the test, but is psst'in at you for the answers to numbers 1-25! Truth be told tho... this isn't always the case. I will be the very first to admit that (some) men ain't (worth) sh*t! I will also be the first to admit that (some) females ain't (worth) sh*t! Just because society paints the picture that men cheat more times than women, doesn't negate the fact that a woman will creep her ass into the bed of a man who is NOT her own; it just proves that society sucks.

- a man will usually cheat based on how a woman looks, i.e. how big her breast and ass are and if she will arch her back and point her toes all night.

- a woman will usually cheat based on how emotionally secure she feels in the relationship/marriage, trust, yada yada.

SnappleFact #99 - Females are more emotional than males, so the tendency for a woman to cheat, is far more greater than that of a man.

Before you get up and arms ladies, take a second to actually consider what has JUST been said...

When you think about how cheating begins for a female, it's usually based outta emotions. Not the physical aspect of things, but E-MO-TIONS! Just because you’re not sleeping in his bed or vice versa, doesn't mean it’s not cheating, cause it is…it’s emotional cheating and that ladies, constitutes as cheating. So what happens if a guy is actually faithful to his woman and he finds out she’s been creepin' around like TLC in the 90s? Well, continue to read...

Now, have I cheated on someone? YES, and I will leave it at that because contrary to popular belief, when you're young and dumb, cheating is justifiable. Now before you stop reading, know that it was emotionally and I actually told my partner. She didn't find out elsewhere; she wasn't on MySpace lurkin'. She wasn't hittin' up the girls in my top 8. I mean sh*t, she wasn't even on FB going crazy every time a female friend posted on my wall. We had a convo, I admitted to her how I felt and guess what happened...

WE WORKED IT OUT! It took us sometime to get past it but guess what else...we did,

But I digress...

Now have I been cheated on...hell-mother-f***in' yes! Till this day it hurts because in my mind: I was doing everything a BF was suppose to be doing at the time (early 20s). A man canf*** a 100 different women but the moment, and I mean the very moment his woman steps out on him and into the bed with another man and he finds out, he's devastated! Wanna hurt a man's ego ladies: tell'em his pee-pee is small, his hairline is receding, he's a bum, or that you had sex with some other man.

"Yeaaaa, that's why I cheated on you with the bartender from Friday's and his penis was better and bigger and your brother wanna get with me!"

The chances of her actually cheating with the good lookin' guy who sits across from her in class is slim. 7/10: she's gonna cheat because there's a lack of understanding in the relationship/marriage.

When you think about how two people who have an interest in each other transition from being friends and then to GF/BF and then husband and wife, you think about this:

D-irection

U-nderstanding
T-rust
C-ommunication
H-onesty

Now I won't go into detail about what D.U.T.C.H. is because the book drops next year and future blogs explain yada yada yada but, when there's a lack of direction, that takes a toll on the understanding the two of you have as a couple. Because a man is not “Mr. Right (Now)”, women will seek comfort in "Mr. For The Moment" aka a dude that can AND will give her all the attention and time she yearns for. If she’s cheated with someone else and the feelings that have been developed are emotionally based and you find out and decide to stick around and work it out; man, I hope you been baggin' chicks off Instagram or Twitter because it now will become THAT much harder to put up with her afterwards; sh*t I know this from experience. I remember have a convo with one of my homeboy's, who was cheated on for whatever reason(s) and he asked me, “how do you stay w/ her B, when she loves someone else?” (sounds like the beginning to a love song right?

If you love her and she's on board to make things better, do it, but if you know deep down you won't be able to trust her the same, don't even waste your time. If you poll men on your IG timeline or your Twitter followers or your FB friends right now and asked them, "would you stay with your women if she cheated?" I put money on it that a good majority of them would say no. On the flipside tho: females will stay and try to make things better until their mind and heart tells them to leave. I've said it before: without trust, you have nothing! Trust is like the cheese...in Mac n' Cheese

For MOST guys, we don't wanna have to think about another man spending time with our woman especially if they're like...

• model like in the face
• tall in height
• comedic sense of humor
• body of a Greek god
• can hold a note like Justin Timberlake

Me personally...

I'm putting a tracking device on you because who knows what you're capable of and if you think @DjSinCity718 is some dude from the Bronx...yo monkey ass better guess again!

Cheating on a man does damage ladies! We can't just, "man up!" after finding out you let you some ol' dude from the club eat ya ass; that was our Friday night thing! Dudes will either:

A) try to work things out

B) be hurt and move on

or C) turn into doosh-bags

and more times than none, dudes will become dogs. #FoodForThought: what you do, will always dictate & have an impact in the lives of others.

When you think about what kills guys the most when it comes to relationships: it's pride and ego. Ego tells them, "you know how good you look? She cheated on you, bro, that b**** wasn't sh*t to begin with!". Pride tells them, "you know you love her more than Kanye loves to rant...but right now, you hate her more than Kanye hates the paparazzi...let that hoe go bro."

I'll be the first one to admit: men aren't that smart when it comes to matters of the heart. Most men (yes, MOST) aren't looking for signs of their woman cheating unless the signs are completely obvious and I mean they have to be on some,

*text message to her phone reads*

"It was good seeing you babe last nite...I love the way you sucked my d*** till it came hehe... i shuda warned u babe. We on for Sunday afternoon still?"

I remember seeing that text on one of my ex GF's phone when I was checking to see what time it was. Till this day, she doesn't know I know that text was sent (unless she's reading this, which I doubt it).

The point is, no dude is gonna hawk a woman's social networks every other hour on the hour; that's what chicks do. Women cheat for many different reasons but what we as men have to stop doing is allowing that situation to change us into something we're not! There's never a need to take it out on the next one. There's never a need to lie to ourselves when we know good-and-damn-well we're not completely over the pain from the past. I know some of the hardest of men who still can't keep a woman because of that one girl who treated them wrong. I've been thru enough to know that sometimes, sh*t ain't worth repairing with someone because deep down inside, you know that person ain't worth sh*t! Sticking around after the hurt shows you're forgiving and leaving shows a sign of maturity and acceptance. Don't stick around because you think it's the right thing to do, hell, you'll end up f***in yourself up even more and that's far worse than lying to yourself. Never get yourself into the habit of lying to yourself...because once you go searching for that truth, it'll be hard to find.

@renaissance_brotha_