On Instagram STILL Flexxxin, pt. 2

If you thought the last one was offensive...just wait till you read this one!

*class is in session*

I advise you (if you haven't already done so) to go read "On Instagram Straight Flexxxin" before you even consider reading this piece, THIS way...you can keep up a very high level of laughter.

Ladies, it's almost the end of the year and since the last time we met the f***ery level was high but not, the f***ery level is at an all TIME high and I ain't happy. So, with THAT being said,

Let's begin shall we

"#LostFootage, #LateUpload, #OldToMeNewToYou" Pic:
Seeing these hashtags make my balls itch. Lost footage? That sh*t been in your phone since last-damn-week and you ain't wanna upload it after ladies night for whatever reason and now we have to be subjected to this f***ery?! Spare me.

*whiny female voice*
"#LostFootage from ladies night (insert emojis). We was too turnt uuup!"

Ughh, I wish your phone turnt up missing! All you gon do is add a filter on that s*** and either

A) keep it up, if it gets over 20+ likes in 5 minutes or
B) delete it, if it doesnt

Also, the #OldToMeNewToYou and #LateUpload hashtag/pic, #KillThatSh_tLadies. Keep that old pic in your phone! You looked like Miley Cyrus for Halloween and you wanna post it now? B****, Halloween was last damn month! You're better off posting a pic from Thanksgiving!

"Nipps & Cleav" Pic:
Allow me to play good cop/bad cop here for a min: YES, I love women and their assets, especially a woman with some nice ass nipple rings but what I don't like is (and I'm sure Chief Keef will agree with me on this)...

women who DO IT and get mad at the attention it garners!

YES, you're gonna get attention from dudes (and women who swing that way) whenever you post a pic like that. YES, you're "thirst trappin" and YES, men WILL be on one of your old pics, asking if you're single and leaving everything from a thematic essay to a number, pager, or P.O. box info on it. If you don't like the "thirst" that comes along with posting a pic like,

"my lips look on POINT!"
but
*all I see is the breast, all I, all I see is breast* (Rih Rih voice)*

put a halt on that: nipple (ring) pressed hard against the wife beater/t-shirt, cleavage looking like two scoops of skin toned ice cream pic then. Always remember ladies: if you trap them...the thirst will come!

"The Selfie" Pic:
This selfie overload s*** has become a lil' too much. I know it's only Instagram and the following will totally contradict the prior of what I JUST said but a selfie every other post is annoying! Selfie in the car, selfie on the toilet, selfie at church, selfie in class, selfie on the plane, selfie at work, selfie when you're bored, selfie when you're bored at work or school, selfie while you're drinking, selfie when you're performing oral, selfie in the shower, selfie in that dirty ass mirror that ain't been clean since Obama first took office, selfie from when you graduated pre-k, selfie at your grandmother's funeral, selfie at the doctor's office, selfie when your "him" doesn't call/text/double tap/email/FaceTime you, sel...you get my point. I enjoy a good selfie just as much as the next self absorbed IG account holder but selfie addiction is no laughing matter. Addiction to selfies can f*** up your friends, your HEALTH, and scary enough, your money...it's a disease ladies.


YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY A PAGE FULL OF SELFIES LOOK!








"WCW for today is...me, duuh!" Pic:
For those who are out of the loop and don't know what WCW stands for and the significance of it (or lack thereof), allow me to be a jackass help you out, just a lil:

WC/WCW = woman crush/woman crush Wednesday.
Significance: to highlight a woman who is a crush, of importance in your life, or hell, even your bestie, e.g. Halle Berry, @eyes2pretti2cry__, or your mom.

B****, we already get a thousand selfies of you a day and now on Wednesdays I gotta see recycled pics of you as your OWN woman crush!!! F*** outta here with that Dorian Gray s***!

*pic of self*
"Of COURSE I'm my own WCW...duuh! With school, work, dating, bills, weave rotations, cooking, #TURNINUPPPPP, being blessed n not chasing NO MAN, WCW belongs to me (insert kissy face emojis)."

Listen, ima tell you what other dudes think when they see this s***; sh*t is wack b and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I understand you're a woman who works hard but, I thought the purpose of the day was to highlight a crush, not yourself...but I could be wrong.

Videos:
Ever since Instagram gave us the option to upload a 15 second video of whateverness...sh*t has been crazy! Ima fan of the twerk videos, hell, ima man, but the annoying ass females who can't twerk depress my penis something awful! I click on the video to see ass bouncing and I see nothing but headdddd, shoulders, knees and bones, (knees and bones) moving! Or the females who believe its cool to drive and record a video like car crashes aren't real! B****, save your singing for the shower and spare us the fact that you're sitting in traffic. Oh, ohhhhh, and let me not forget about the ones who start the video with, "hiii Instagram!!" anytime you hear that s***, you KNOW the video is about to be about bull AND s***! And lastly, let me not leave out the ones who post videos of themselves duck lippin, play in their hair, showing us mad different angles, but...not, saying, a, f***in word! Half of you ladies will read this and be like "sooo, I love postin videos, I'll never let it go!". Give us a break, looking like a damn mime n's***! Post a video of you taking a test, getting some work done, or cleaning your mirror that you utilize for every damn full body selfie.

And speaking of mirrors...

"Bathroom & Dressing room" Pic:
"Quick bathroom flick...women love bathroom flicks!". No they don't, well, sh*t, I hope not. To all you ladies taking bathroom & fitting room pics, answer these right quick:

• are you actually trying on anything?
• if you are, are you actually buying the item(s) or anything else from that store?
• do you feel weird knowing you're taking a bunch of damn pics & not purchasing a damn thing?!
• do you use the bathroom before or after you take like 10+ pics to post before you actually get it right?
• if you use the bathroom...do you wash your hands before taking the pic?
• when deciding on takin a bathroom pic: do you wait for it to clear it out or do you wait until someone JUST gets into the stall?
• do you take these pics b/c their mirror is cleaner there, vs. your house?

If you answered yes to 80% of the questions, I'm sorry to inform you but: you're a THOT! Urbandictionary what a THOT is, if you are unfamiliar.

You SEE how clean that mirror is ladies...you wish yours was that damn clean on a GREAT day!












"Ughh, he so thirsty" Pic:
The world we live in where any female will waste their energy and time on posting exposing, men/n*ggas because they give them a compliment on an old pic, via Twitter DM, FB inbox,thru text, or wherever, when its TOO much. Now, I will admit, some guys do go way over the top with their s*** like below for instance,











THIS is the sh*t females get and I hate it because now I can't text nothing close to this, without having to be put in a damn "thirst" category. But the ones who just say simple things or who have actually found a genuine interest in you based off of what you post, always seem to be the ones getting put "on that Summer Jam screen" (a point in Hip Hop history, when JayZ exposed Prodigy from Mobb Deep). YES, some dudes need to check themselves into the nearest Thirst Clinic, ASAP, but every dude who gives a compliment isn't thirsty. To me, there's a difference between having an interest in someone vs. being thirsty but that's a different blog in itself. Ladies, you don't need to post the convo from when sh** turned left between you and @TheRealMoetDon and totally leave out the fact that you were damn near begging him to take you out to dinner and lustin' for his d***! We get it, dudes like you, you're pretty, dudes are thirsty, and a government shutdown is right around the corner a-GAIN; who gives a f***! Just imagine if dudes started doing that...hmmmm.

"Collage" Pics:
I'm tired of seeing the collages with 3 pics and two of them are the SAME exact ones, just flipped around or some sh**.

"Imagine if there were 3 of me!?!? #TripleTrouble."

I don't even like the idea of 1 of you let alone two more. I also have grown to despise the fact that sometimes, one of the pics will be small, appearing that is further away, and it just gets closer and closer and closer in each box of the collage; it's like in the scary movie and you know the killer is RIGHT behind the white girl because her dumb ass just stopped running and the music stopped and BA-BAM B****...you're dead! Why not use different pics? Or the ones with like 5 different boxes: 2 of the boxes have the same pic, 2 others have different filters, and 1 is flipped...I'm sorry but Jesus needs to flag every pic on your page.

"Zamnnnn, I need my p**** worked baaddd!" Pic:
Ok, ok we get it b****, you want your p**** ate and some d*** to wash away the pain your vagina feels from being lonely but every other post tho?! Come on! I love sex, don't get me wrong and that's the reason why my last account got deleted but females need to realize the attention they'll receive when they constantly post s*** like,

Dudes will flood your old pics with questions galore about your relationship status and why #NoNewFriends need not apply to them! If a dude could leave you his house key under your pic, tuuh, he would! I love you ladies but: you (claps hands) can't (claps hands) post (claps hands) lusty (claps hands) s*** and (claps hands) (claps hands) expect (claps hands) men (claps hands) not (claps hands) to (claps hands) lust (claps hands) you dumbass! Men see this and we're not thinking, "oh, *like*" and that's it. We're thinking, *like" along with some freak ***t we wanna NOW do to you, even tho you're the daughter of pastor...nvm. 24 hours in a day and you spend it posting about sex and you wonder why you can't get attention outside of a hard di**...

Now, in closing ladies...just cut the sh**! This of course was merely a joke, a piece for entertainment if you will, but you know what they say about jokes, so...yea. If I have offended you, I'm sorry, just think about what I DIDN'T say...

@renaissance_brotha_

On Instagram Straight Flexxxin

...because if you feel offended by the end of this blog, then my job is done!

Ladies, oohhh ladies...some of ya'll get on Instagram and act nuttier than squirrel sh*t! I love you ladies, really I do, but the amount of f***ery you post on a daily basis needs to stop! Now I'm fully aware that it's only a social networking site but c'mon on, ya'll not thinking before ya'll upload? Sure, you have the right to post whatever it is that you want but in the grand scheme of things...some of the things you post are for attention and that purpose only! Now in no way shape or form am I complaining but at the end of the day somethings just need to be kept in the phone and off of social media. Feel offended No offense but I just wanna know this: where does your creativity come from when you decide you wanna take a picture? No, seriously, I wanna know, like, are you watching the Bad Girls Club? Or maybe Real Housewives? Or maybeee, you just scroll thru your timeline and just get ideas of how to "one up" the next chick who decided to take a pic like the one you're about to post? Idk, but whatever the reason is, "do (claps hands) ya (claps hands) thang (claps hands) boo boo!" This is for all the IG models, "celebs", and thirst-trappin' ass females...I hope this blog not only offends you makes you laugh, but makes you delete your account or unfollow me opens your eyes as well.

Today's class is strictly about sh*t I hate to see on my timeline and the types of females who decide to post...fellas, take note and ladies, do the same:

*class is in session*

1. "I Don't Even Like This Pic Tho" Pic:
"Zammn, I mean, I don't even like the way my eyebrows look in this pic tho, ughh!! But...ima post it and see what they think!" Oh...so you don't like the pic tho huh? So why ya silly dilly ass post it in the FIRST damn place?! If you don't like it, 11/10, WE won't like (thirsty dudes/females will). Ima be forreal, think about all those stupid pics ya'll look to post but then you decide against it and then you re-decide to post...indecisive sh*t like that will get you unfollowed. Now your girls and them thirsty dudes will hit the like button but me...nah (Chief Keef voice). We as an IG community don't wanna see the pic you ain't really feeling! I have a hard enough time looking at the pic with mad different filters and you lookin like a damn lost member of the X-Men and speaking OF filter pics...

2. "Filter...#NoFilter" Pic:
Listen, I love a good filter to help alter a pic but there is no damn reason why 13 filters should be added on a pic! There's no damn reason why we should look at your pic and almost have a seizure because you got too damn much going on. Filters take a chick who look like Seal and have them looking like Rih Rih in no time! What happens if we need to repost because you go missing...them filters on allll yo damn pics and now ya family gotta use a pic from HS, sh*t don't make sense to me, that's all I'm sayin. On the other side of the coin you have a lot of you (females) who are QUICK to hashtag, #NOFilter when in reality you NEED about 232 filters on that damn pic! Don't talk about how @RealBeauty_RealEyez look when you're beauty is hurting out here. I can't appreciate ya busted ass pics, sh*t, none of us can, I just have the heart to say it. Just because you lazy in real life, don't mean you should be lazy on the Gram...I'll turn that green to blue in a heartbeat, #HashtagThat.

3. "Stop everything you're doing; feeding your child, wiping yourself, writing that paper and go follow (insert name) not now, but RIGHT NOW!" Pic:
I literally have a low tolerance for S/O's and sh*t like that, so usually I just keep scrolling, but deadass tho, it's really at an all-time high in 2013! Why should I follow your brother who just got outta jail or your homegirl who was 2,000-ish in followers and she's following 200-ish? Nah, you can keep that s/o because I ain't got time for that. Once a month or every few months, cool but every other day or every week, be prepared to get unfollowed. Ya'll girls be having some of the shallowest followers and a majority of them in real life only have 4 friends and according to them, have 232 enemies! "Stop what you're doin and follow my homegirl (insert name)! She a good look fellas and she show love and this is her 5th page...s/o to you haters!" Nah, she won't be gettin my request.

4. "Ughh, you dudes ain't yada yada yada" Pic:
*fellas, put a star next to this and pay close attention*
Ladies...first and foremost, getcha damn life! Not all dudes are "ain't sh*t" n****s/men, it's just the ones that you attract. Reposting those post about what a "n****/man is suppose to do" is complete and utter BS, real talk. IG has turned into eHarmony and a lot of you women/b*tches/girls are subscribing to the BS and in reality, ya'll ain't sh*t your damn self! Sure, there's a good majority of dudes on IG who are overly thirsty and annoying and every other word you can think of. What about the cool dudes? You know, the "nice guys" who don't trip every single time you put up a pic of you with some cleavage showing? You scoff at those dudes and entertain the other kind. This applies to all types of females, I mean, from the section 8ers to ones chasing degrees, oh no, I don't discriminate, trust and believe me (Keyshia Cole voice). Stop with the TextGram/TweeGram/Notes pic bashing dudes when you ain't right yourself. If you are single talking about, "a man is supposed to make a Queen outta a princess," or some corny ass sh*t like that, what kinda message does that send out? You know what you can do for me tho...tell me what a good WOMAN does and then maybe I'll consider reading that post.

5. "These bubbles are EVERYTHING!" Pic:
...soooo, what's the message you're tryna send by posting the bathroom tub pic? I mean, cause this is what we doing now huh? Oh...ok. How would you ladies feel if a dude posted a pic of him ass naked in the tub covered in some suds or if he had bubbles covering his privates? The jokes would be nonstop and I'm sure you would unfollow and question his sexuality (unless it was a celeb of sorts). Who cares about you and them ashy ass legs with the 5 o'clock shadow in that dirty ass water with the A'Jax bubbles? A LOT OF US DON'T CARE, let's be forreal! And then you got the nerve to use the candles that you know good and damn well you'll need next time a storm or blackout comes along. In your mind, you think it's an attempt to be sexy but to US...it's a good laugh because you're only being thirsty! Sip some of that bath water and masturbate to some old school R&B, thank you.

6. "Struggle Meal" Pic:
...if you can't cook, stay the hell out the kitchen, it's that simple. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it but a LOT of you ladies are posting pics of food and it looks like something not even a pig would digest and I mean that from the bottom of my heart! It looks like death! Your ribs look skimpy, that rice looks dry and I mean, HELLA dry, them veggies...look like they're fresh out the baby food, and then you have the nerve to put it on a plastic plate??!! I hope someone robs you of all your pots and pans or takes a huge sh*t in them and aligns them in your kitchen on the floor. Sh*t that comes already made doesn't constitute you "thrown down"...it just means you were too lazy too cook and please, don't add no damn filter either, it's sickening to say the least. Find a seat and sit yo ass ALL the way down, thanks in advance.

7. "Fine Wine *& Ashy Feet" Pic:
This...THIS (claps hands) RIGHT (claps hands) HERE (claps hands) GETS (claps hands) ON MY NERVES! I love feet, not as much as I enjoy lips but I enjoy some nice feet. Does this mean I'll go around sucking toes? No. Does this mean I'll give you a massage if your feet look right? Yes. But the underling message for number 7 is...if your feet are ugly, don't ever, and I mean EVER, post a pic of them and you drinking some cheap ass wine. Sure, I know we all can't afford the finer things like good wine or whatever, but a pedicure...nah!!! I'm the captain, lieutenant, and every damn thing else of the Petty-Pedi-Police and some of you ladies need to get your pictures flagged. I don't wanna see those bear paws, that cheap bottle of rose moscato in that mason jar, them raggedy bedsheets, and that 16' inch TV playing Scandal! Here's a tip ladies: trim those toe nails down, if you got long ass toes that look like that can be mistaken for fingers and can palm a football, don't post, and apply lotion if you're feet look ashy! And let the wine breathe! Slurping it down like it's...never mind.

8. "Yassss, #TurnUp" Pic:
When something gets too exciting or an event is too poppin', females will yell out, TURN UP! In 2013...everything is "#TurntUp/#TurnUp":
"Just got my taxes, #TurnUp!"
"Waiter just brought the food to the table, #TurnUp!"
"Just got an adoration, #TurnUp!" (yup, seen it twice since the start of the year)
"Pastor just delivered a powerful ass message, #TurnUp!"
The point of the matter is...we don't care about the #TurnUp pic lol, I mean, seriously now. Every damn pic isn't #TurntUp! You getting your degree, ok. You getting a new car or apartment, ok. You getting that new job or meeting a celeb, ok...you going out for drinks at Applebee's or getting sushi, not so much. Yup, sorry to be a kill joy, but that's just the way it is. If the party is really good like you keep saying...think about what I JUST said (I'll say it again)...If the party is good, scratch that...there's no damn way you're taking mad pics and posting them if the party is that #TurntUp! I hope somebody elbows your phone out your hand and it gets A-Town stomped on, let's see if you'll be #TurntUp then.

9. "(insert baby name) is my everything!" Pic:
Listen, because I know many will be offended by this so I say sorry in advance but...there's no need to continuously remind us that (insert child's name[s]) is your everything in one post but you're bashing the baby father in the caption. Not only is that hypocritical but it is also contradicting to say the most and it's counterproductive to say the least. Its great when your child has given you a new lease on life and it's even better when they are the reason you are now fully focused on making a better life but we as a community shouldn't be subjected to the everyday post about how much they mean the world to you, truthfully speaking. All you're doing is fishing for compliments and reassuring and that right there...that's that sh*t we don't LIKE!

and last but certainly not least

10. "lusTrappin" Pic:
You take the word "lust" and "trappin" and combine them and you get my favorite word, lusTrappin! lusTrappin is when a female intentionally post a pic exposing a lil more than the law should allow, examples: breast, nipples, nipples hard in a shirt or any form of a top, nipple rings in a shirt or any form of a top, you licking the top of your breast or your nipple or someone else's, you butt, visible camel toes, your butt in panties/jeans/a thong/g-string/sweatpants (you want us to focus on other things in the picture but the caption reads differently...opposing ideas), your vagina, someone else's vagina, your vagina in any form of bottoms, a post of something sexual but the caption paints a different picture, and everything else you can think of. The reason I saved this one for last is because in all honesty, this one is the funniest but truest one of'em all (not to take away from the others). You in your bed, looking away from the camera, "just relaxin," or "damn...I'm hungry" and your ass is all out and about. I love women and the whole nine but don't post lusty ass pics and expect dudes to just like and that's it because clearly that's your purpose, to garner attention. I will not sit here and pretend like I haven't double tapped on a few lusTrappin pics before, because I have, but don't get mad at dudes who take it a step further and comment wild crazy. "Just got them bundles innnnnn..." but clearly you forgot to put on a bra...oh. ok. Fellas, don't fall victim to the pics because before you know you'll end up leaving your number and she will screenshot it and store or...I will screenshot it and save it for my future blog about thirsty dudes like you.

Now in conclusion class, here's the take away: fellas, don't fall for the thirst traps, period! Ladies, if you are offended, I apologize but, come on, you know exactly what you're doing when you post those pics and trust and believe me, I'm not the only one who feels the same way, I'm just the one who has created a forum for me to express myself creatively and...in a hilarious but serious manner. If you're having second thoughts about posting any kinda pic, just send it to me, I won't judge, laugh maybe, not judge tho, that's me...or maybe that's what I'm doing now? Who knows, but the point of the matter is that I understand you have every right to post whatever it is you want but just be mindful. This is a serious matter and right now, some young lady is getting unfollowed and or blocked as we speak...don't be one of them.

*class dismissed*

@renaissnace_brotha