Sunday, August 4, 2013

So I Have This Friend: Whose GF Can't Ride...


Names have been changed, but the story remains the same.

Nick: "But deadass Ant...this b**** can't ride d*** for the life of her!!!"
Me: "Bro...tell her how you want it to be done!"Nick: "If only it were that EASY bro, it's not. We went for a bike ride the other day and this b**** was like Meek Mill & his boys on a damn CitiBike...a CITIBIKE!"Me: "Wait, you went, YA'LL went for a bike ride? (insert hard laughing)"Nick: "You mad cause you ain't got no b**** to ride WITH! But deadass boy, she can't ride d***, what should I do?? I know you be writing blogs for these b****es, write one for me fam!"

So I Have This Friend...whose girl can't ride d***!

First and foremost...

DID YOU MISS MEEE!?!?

No? Oh...ok, I digress, but before I start:

Warning: If you are a friend and/or a family member and you MIGHT feel a tad bit uncomfortable with reading/hearing me talking about sex; this blog ain't fo yo ass.

#TURNUP

A lot of you women are out here throwing dirt on guys who can't seem to get it together in the bedroom and for that...may the Lord take vengeance upon thee! Are (some) men garbage in bed? Yes, yes SOME are, but there's a whole lot of them who are NOT (and this blog ain't for them). My boy isn't the only man to feel this way, hell, I've had a few ladies who couldn't ride a d*** but could "drop down and get their eagle on" and hit the electric slide at the drop of a dime! Some of you chicks be like, "Babe, I can't ride, can we just do doggy?" No, not now. Or, "Babe, I've never really...I mean, I don't normally do this (while climbing on top)," well, I've never been to Six Flags, but you gon ride this roller coaster! I know you're laughing while reading this, but how some of y'all claiming to be #BedroomBullies...and can't ride a d***?! That s*** puzzles me! So, here at #ABetterBreedOfMan, I wanna help you ladies get in touch with your...inner, freak if you will. I present to you: how to ride the D SO good, yo mama's mama...would be proud!

Yo Nick, you owe me bro because I'm sure your girl will be reading this!

*class is in session*

Some of you beautiful, intelligent, sexy women are reading this and can identify with the topic: you can't ride d*** well! And that's cool, dot worry boo, I got yoouuu! If you have a man, don't be afraid to practice on him, that's what he's there for; what is he gonna say, no? No man will turn down p****! "I ain't afraid of no man or no d***!" yea yea, I know: that's why you can't ride d***? What's that old saying, "practice makes perfect"? Well, you better lay his ass down, and climb on top, and ride him like a Low-Ridah out in Cali! Something to always keep in mind (and this is with anything): you can’t get better at something if you’re scared to fail. When you tell someone you haven’t done something before, that statement should then be accompanied by you trying. You don’t say you haven’t done something and continue not to do it; without trying you’ll never learn. I'm not suggesting ANY one of you ladies go out here, and have sex with just ol' any guy, just so you can practice...that sh*t ain't cool nor is it attractive. Now Nick, if Amanda comes to you and says, "let's f***! I know you like me being on top so I want to trying something new", strip down to your socks and enjoy the ride my brotha!

Secondly ladies

In order to feel comfortable pleasing your man, you have to be able to please yourself first and him, SECOND! It's just like in life: in order to be selfless, you have to be a lil selfish; so selfishly pleasure yourself with toys me or fingers all you want! There's not a dude out here that won't appreciate you jumping on top and riding him like that mechanical bull at your local bar. If you want to get your nut off and not worry about Minute-Man Mark, go for it. Ladies, in plain English: I want you to do all the nasty sh*t you do in your alone time, when no one is watching, to your man! Make it so nasty, you'll have to pray EXTRA, in church on Sunday (y'all don't hear me tho)! It's not the Mark and Laura show, oh no, it's the Laura Show, co-starring Mark...and his d***. However once you get to that point, learn what pleases him. Who knows you might actually like what he likes and can start killing two birds(freaks) with one stone(move). Dudes like Nick, complain about women that get on top only to please themselves and that’s just selfish; if you want to be a skilled rider you have to learn how to do both. Don't trip tho, I got some techniques that'll have you riding like Ciara (pun all the way intended).

baby grind on meeee! (Pretty Ricky voice)

Remember them guys? Well, if you don't, YouTube them but if you do, ladies: I want you to grind like you're at a high school party! There's not a woman reading this who doesn't enjoy grinding her warm, wet, tight, (meow), and rubbing her clit at the same time until they achieve orgasm. Work them hips, lose some of those calories, and dig your fingers into his chest...not too rough tho! Most guys aren't cumming from grinding, but from friction, there's a difference. Men need to be stroked to achieve orgasm, which grinding can limit.

b-b-b-bounce that p**** and shake dat ass

You know what turns a man on with the quickness, other than you dropping to your knees and putting his d*** in your mouth: watching and feeling you bounce on top of him. The woman who can push a man on his back, climb on top, and f*** him till he has no more energy in his tank...is a keeper! Women that bounce on the d*** usually know exactly what they’re doing and they ride with purpose. You're not worried about the fact that you just got your hair done, noooo. You're not worried about the fact that, you have work in a couple hours, noooo. You're worried about pleasing yourself, because he will be led to believe, you're really doing it for him; which sometimes is never the case (I be knowin ladies). That bounce action is cool for the dudes who enjoy having the breast in their face (like me) or who enjoy watching the ass go up...and down...and up...and down in the Reverse Cowgirl position AND who enjoy smackin that ass while you're at it (I be knowin ladies).

...you got the juice now (insert your name here ladies

I know what you're thinking: what the hell is this fool talking about now! Well, it doesn't mean "juicing" like combining fruits and veggies and sh*t; it simply means to pull and squeeze at the same damn time! Some of y'all (women) don’t know about juicing, but just think about grinding for a second. Grinding is the rubbing of two surfaces to cause friction. However, juicing is when you squeeze AND pull away from him to cause the friction. It’s basically like you’re trying to squeeze and ring him out (kinda like a wash cloth). I want you to squeeze his d*** with your vagina and just look him in the face while you're doing it; I guarantee you he will speed up his pumping, which will make him cum like that! The best position to do this in, is in Reverse Cowgirl...

and speaking OF Reverse Cowgril...

Men like when you ride it...facing the other way! When you climb on top, ride it for a lil bit facing him and then, turn around and: MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THE D*** INSIDE OF YOU (I can't stress that enough)! Place his hands around your waist, and continue with what you were doing. You can lick your nipples if you want, massage your clit while he slaps your ass, hell, you can even fantasize about someone else. It’s just better suited for two people to please one another, yet have the privacy they want while having sex as weird as that may sound.

One time, a friend of mine said, "when I get on top, he does whatever we wants, it's like, I don't have no control of the situation." My answer to that: f*ck him back. Put his hands inside of yours, pin them down, and f*** him until he cums, that simple. A lot of women are quick to say men are intimidated by them but become intimidated by men, in the bedroom: the irony. Here's something you can try: to make you feel a lil more at ease, make him put his hands behind his head, tell him to keep put, and go to work...men like taking orders n' s***.

Lastly,

I spoke about this in the paragraph before last but once again (because it's really that important): don't let the d*** slip out! Now before you start going off and dismiss miss this piece of info, consider this:

size matters! I don't care what any one of you have to say, size matters. Now, with that being said (Kevin Hart voice), it's up you take a peek at the pole he's packing and make sure it doesn't come out! If you have control and I mean COMPLETE control over your body/abilities...the d*** can never and I mean never come out, period-point-blank.

Nick, make her feel comfortable at all times; sex isn't just about catching a nut or two and rolling over and knocking out, it's way deeper than that, it's brackets to this s***. There's levels to this sh*t, and while that may be a line from Meek Mill, it's true in every sense! If you want to give some advice, simply just express how you feel when the two of you are most comfortable and laugh n' sh*t like that, this way, it comes across a lot better.


If you need anything else, holla at me!

Ladies: have you ever felt embarrassed when you got on top? Did you get better? What advice could you offer other women about riding better? Did this post miss anything?

@renaissance_brotha_

1 comment:

  1. my problem inexperience. I have only had 3 partners now, one of which was long-term, and I just didn't comfortable riding other two (and/or the opportunity never presented itself). I think watching porn helps with "practice" but what good is it with no one to practice on :( *sob story over*

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