So I Have This Friend: Whose Sex is Wack!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from friend:
"Yo Ant, this bi*** @geminisweet p**** is wack! It smelled like 22 Africans in leather suits b! It's like, she dead came and then got up and showered and left, like, are you serious! I almost blacked on her! If I didn't have to study for MCATs I would've blacked b! Why these b****es think they can get theirs and bounce like that? Why was she so stiff?!?! I don't wanna waste your time but I want you to make a blog about this b, like, that's ya homegirl and I blame you for tellin me to f***. I wasted my night and I coulda been in Mel b, like, I curved Mel for this b****! Make a blog about her sex being wack or something because I'm not f***in these b****es no more man, it got me aggy!

Dilla"

Women think that they're the only ones who experience bad sex but guess again ladies, you're not. For the past few months, swarms of guys have been hitting me up asking me to make a post or blog about women and their lackluster sex, so, here we are. Now, in no way, shape or form am I degrading women in any way, nor do I want this to come across as sexist, but ladies...sometimes your sex ain't on point. I've experienced some bad sex partners in my day, fortunately not a crazy amount because I'm not out here giving the d*** away like Rondo dishing the ball but the ones that I have experienced...*phew*! I figured I'd put together a list of complaints I've gotten and also share some of my insight for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, I present to you:

So I Have This Friend...whose sex is wack!

*class is in session*

Spider-Man:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can say, "yea, yea, just make sure you give me all that d***!" and then

10 minutes later...

"baby...babe...wait, wait, hol'up, hol'up!"

Oh, so you Big Sean now? Men don't like women who run from the d*** just like women don't like men who can't keep their d*** up! You wanna be a runner? Apply at Applebee's or Friday's. I'm suckin' and lickin' on that clit, don't stop me. I got your legs on my shoulders, hittin' that spot, don't put your clammy ass hands on my chest to push me away. I got ya face down, ass up, hands grippin' ya waist, don't scoot away. If it hurts, say so, if not, let me pin you down and enjoy it because all that movin' n'sh*t like lil' boys do in the barber chair... #AintNobodyGotTimeFoDat
Tip: If its feelin' good to you, let it be so you can cum and speaking of cummin'...

tap-out:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can even fix her lips and say some sh*t like, "I'm bout to cum, YES...*wooo*...I'm done (insert smiley face)." Done? B***h, you done making that box macaroni and cheese you make every Tuesday? Or are you done leaving hair in the shower because I'm confused. I know loads of men are guilty of the same behavior but all it takes is a 5 minute blow job and 10 minutes of penetration and we're good; women on the other hand require a lot more time and effort. No man wants to hear, "yea, yea, yea just make sure you ain't stingy with the d***!" and then she's stingy with the p****, WTFeezy!? Just because yo ol' selfish ass is finished don't mean I'm done! You better make that mouth work or them hands work because I counted two orgasms for you and 0 for me and I better nut before I turn into the Incredible Hulk over here.

Oh, you thought I was a "1-minute man" ha. You thought I was gonna get a taste of dat p****, bust a nut n'go to bed ha. You thought I was like Tyrone ha; you thought them backshots was gon' take me out my zone ha. Well baby girl see you wrong ha. You came a few times, now you surprised I last long ha...

I digress,

Tip: You may have laughed at that musical break but seriously: don't just leave him hangin', finish what you start.

doorknob stiff:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how you can post videos of you "twerkin dat ass" for Vine or Instagram but when it comes to sex...you're like a fish outta water! Maybe it's me, may-be-it's-ME, but how you gon' climb yo ass in the bed and then don't climb on the d*** to ride!? You better put some movement on dat d***! (Pops from Friday voice). I'm not saying you have to go ape s*** on the d***, but hell, if you moving like Sara from Save The Last Dance when Derrick taught her how to dance when we out at the club, don't be as stiff as President Obama when he was on Ellen (Obama Dancing) when we f***, plain and simple.
Tip: Don't let me be the only one putting in some action! If we're in doggystyle position, throw that ass back! If you're on top ridin', get on your tippy-toes and bounce!

The Nicki Minaj-er:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how after only TWO damn strokes...you screaming like a damn exorcist is being performed! Can I get to stroke 17 before you start reciting sexual scriptures!? Oh, so you want a Tony Award for your performance? Or, or maybe you thought you were gonna get an Oscar? Keep the Nicki Minaj- voices and faces outta the bedroom! I know the d*** be good but if you wanna perform and live out your inner thespian, become a YouTube actress; cut the sh*t.
Tip: Grab a damn pillow and yell into it. Grab your panties, roll them into a little ball and shove them in your mouth, unless your vagina smells like pig tongue and sauerkraut, which brings me to my next point...

all-day-p**** (ADP):
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can expect a man to lick, suck, finger, or stick his penis into a vagina that has not been cleansed! If you know you've been out all day at work, or in the gym, or grocery shopping, or shoe shopping, or at bible study and then you want me to come over (or you come over) and you're expecting sex and you ain't take some soap and water to that vagina? I hope your clit falls off! Seriously tho, that sh*t ain't cool. Hygiene is important and should be a top priority when it comes to sex. Also ladies, stop going to the bathroom to pee and/or sh*t and then getting back in the bed expecting us to resume sexual activities, it's just not happening.
Tip: Cleanliness is next to Godliness; make sure you wash the holy hell outta your vagina, amen!

what dat mouth DON'T do?:
I will NEVER, be able to understandable: how any woman can expect a man to go deep sea divin' and then turn around and won't play a clarinet solo on the penis! Do I look like Charlie Brown? You not gon' play me! Now me personally, Anthony, I'm not a fan of it, but a normal dude who ENJOYS receiving oral sex, will feel some kinda way. Also, no teeth; this ain't a BBQ and my d*** is NOT a piece of corn! Lastly, for all you women who expect men to swallow your vaginal juices when we're performing oral but you scrunchie your face up when we want to cum in YOUR mouth, listen: either you're swallowing or yore taking it on your upper lip because if not...stay at home and watch Law & Order.
Tip: If you don't like the way it taste, have him increase his fruit intake. If you're not a 'flute blower' or you know you "suck d***" at suckin' d***, just stay at home and watch a Netflix movies.

*non-positional:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how the only positions you do are:

•doggystyle
•missionary
•ridin' a dude's face

Don't nobody got time for that, "but I only cum when he hittin it from the back!" ... have you TIRED sex while on your side, one leg flat, the other wrapped around him or in the air and he just goes deeper and deeper...and deeper? Probably not but guess the f*** what: IT'LL MAKE YOU THANK HIS MAMA FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD! You don't have to be Gabby Douglas on the d*ck (No R. Kelly) but f*** out-SIDE your comfort zone! I'm not asking you to be a trapeze artist but expand your horizons! On the other hand tho, ladies, stop tryna do positions that don't fit your body type. If you know you can't ride the d***, spare the both of us because if I'm bored, I'm grabbing my phone and watching Hey Arnold on YouTube. Stop tryna do splits n'sh*t when you know good-and-damn-well your body ain't set up that way. If you're athletically challenged: find a yoga class, Zumba, or come to me for some ballet moves that you can utilize...my services don't come cheap tho.
Tip: Listen to Usher's, "That's What It's Made For," for some inspiration or seriously, take up Yoga.

squirt without warning:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can KNOW she's a squirter but decides not to disclose that info to me before sex. I, like many other men, LOVE a squirter but without warning? Nah (Chief Keef voice). If I'm tongue drillin' you, you start screaming, legs start shakin', and it turns into splash waterfalls...I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing the biggest pot, filling it with water, and tossing it on your face! Give me a warning at least so I can use some old bed sheets and a couple of towels, so we both not looking at each other like, "rock-paper-scissors for who sleeps in the wet spot?" because 9/10 I'm gonna win and you're gonna be mighty upset about having to sleep in that sh*t.
Tip: Give me a heads up, that simple.

leave my ass alone:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can think its cool to run their lil' manicured fingers anywhere near a man's ass. Oh, ohhhhhh, orrrr their tongue!!! Consult (claps hands) your (claps hands) man (claps hands) before (claps hands) deciding (claps hands) to (claps hands) Lamborghini his doors (claps hands)! What I mean is: don't just assume because you go from the d*** to the balls, that you gotta move your damn tongue down into my booty hole! YES- it's a pleasure zone for men; NO- no man wants his salad tossed without warning! This ain't HBO Oz! Some dudes enjoy it-hey, more power to them but ask first. If you wanna grab my ass while we're in missionary, go for it but please...don't move those fingers elsewhere. You stick your fingers in my ass, I'm d**k'-dippin' in ya butt!
Tip: Just ask because no man wants a "Lamborghini Mercy" outta nowhere.

Now I'm sure there are a lot more I forgot to mention so, share some, if you don't mind! All feedback is welcomed and highly encouraged!

I hope you enjoy this Dilla and make sure you tell other dudes to read and follow the movement too boy!

@renaissance_brotha_

What a Man Wants, pt. 2

If you haven't done so already, check out "What a Man Wants, pt.1".

*class is in session*

Men want...a woman who's attractive:
AND who has confidence! I can be perfectly fine with you just the way you are but I can't make YOU see YOU how I see YOU! Men want a woman who carries herself like a queen from the ankle up and nothing less. Allow me to be frank for a moment but YES, men are attracted to a pretty face and how you look will determine if we want to speak to you or not. It's not shallow, it's honest. "Damn, your personality is pretty as f***! That sh*t got my d*** hard!" Now that's something you will NEVER and I mean NEVER hear from any guy, but what you WILL hear is, "Damn, excuse me beautiful can I talk to you? I'm tryna make you my future wife, like, that body lookin right! You got a man? Oh...how long you been havin that problem?" Now, that last part is for comedy purposes but you get the point. If we're out for a night on the town and you're looking radiant, elegant, just as bad as you wanna be and we as your man see other guys checking you out; THAT SHIT'S A TURN ON! A fat ass, nice breast, curvy hips, luscious lips, all of that sh*t is cool but at the end of the day, when you get old and gray/beauty isn't only defined in the physical form, it's how you maintain yourself that'll keep you lookin different from the norm...*Wale doe*

(Wale didn't say that btw)

Honestly tho...Instagram pics show more than side views.

*Men want...a woman with some smarts:
I love a woman who can challenge me intellectually! One of the things that turns me on MOST about a woman is being able to learn something new from her. I love lips but it's what comes OUT of those lips that speaks to me the most. You can look like Beyonce but be dumb as a brick and then what? Being "bad" isn't enough! We want someone who we can hold a conversation with!

S-u-b-s-t-a-n-c-e!!!

The length and depth of the conversation varies with a woman who we just wanna have sex with vs. a woman we want to get to know, settle down with. Furthering your education is sexy ladies, never let a man tell you different. You wanna go back to school and get another degree or just finish up, a real man will support that and speaking of support...

Men want...a woman who will support them:
I'm not talking about supporting him like his parents or his last GF/wife did with his unrealistic dreams, goals, and aspirations. I'm talking about supporting when his dreams are actually attainable. Supporting his efforts in wanting to do better, and achieving more in life. I'm talking about when he's down and he feels like the world is against him, you being there to help lift him because at times, we as men become weak. Men want to know that: if the world and everybody and everything in it is saying no, you'll be by his side holding him down. All we want is someone who will help us along the journey, that's all.

Men want...a woman with some family values:
Men, want, women, with, some, family, values! What that means is: how you were raised, will say a lot about you as a woman and as a (future) mother. Did your parent(s) cook on Sundays? Did you guys attend church? Did you guys eat at the table and not off in your own rooms? What's your relationship like with your parents!? Better question: what's your relationship like with your dad!? To sum this all up: once we've made the transition from friends to being in a relationship and building upon that and I as a man make the decision to make you my wife, now I need to see if you will be a suitable mother. All of those questions play a key role into making that decision because YES, starting a family should be the main goal at the end of the road and YES, who you are as a woman, as a wife, matters a great deal in my decision on having children with you.

Last but not least...

Men want...sex:
I will make this as raw and as honest as I possibly can: if you're not having sex or giving your man oral, another woman will gladly do the job! We laugh at a show like Scandal but that is the reality for a lot of women in the world today. I'm not saying you have to be on your back or on your knees all the damn time, but a compromise between the two of you needs to be had. Men want sex, so it's your job to provide it for him. Sometimes, after a long, stressful day at work, we don't wanna hear, "babe, how was your day?" Sometimes we wanna hear, "drop your shit, go have a seat...I'm suckin ya d***!" That's it! I don't wanna sit and complain about my day and I know you don't really wanna hear about it, so, just suck his d***. Sex isn't everything, but it is one of the reasons why a guy will stray. You don't have to be an all out freak, but just make sure your man's needs are met in that bedroom!

Every guy is completely different but I'm almost certain if you poll guys on what it is that they want, their list will more than likely pale in comparison to this. This isn't a complete list but it gives you as a woman a general outline of the wants of a man. The wants and needs of the guy that you're currently dealing with will never be the same as the men you've dealt with. It's not that we're afraid of commitment, we're just afraid to commitment to the wrong one! I am a man who knows exactly what I want because after hurting women and being hurt by women so much, trial and error has done me more good than harm. I encourage women to allow men to be men. I'm not saying allow him to put your through bullsh*t, I'm saying hold his ass accountable and check him on his bullsh*t! Know your worth! You don't have to be like Michelle Obama or Scarlett Johansson or Halle Berry; just be you! Self-worth, self-respect, self-love, I don't say this because it makes the blog sound good or for praise...I say it because it's all truth. You give me something to love, honor, respect, appreciate and I will give you all of me and nothing less, only more.

Fellas: am I missing anything?
Ladies: if there's anything that you would like know that you didn't see here, feel free to hit me up at brotharenaissance@gmail.com

@renaissance_brotha_

Want a Man Wants, Pt. 1

"I don't understand men at all! All they wanna do is play mind games, video games, and most of them only wanna have sex and then disappear!" - says a good majority of woman. Listen: I'm not an expert on men, but as a man, I know what I want! But this isn't about me...this is about what other men want, so, without further ado...

*class is in session*

Men want...a woman who has a connection/relationship with God:
Ok, so Jesus doesn't HAVE to be your bestie but a relationship with God, is something (most) men want. Sure, you can hold him down financially, physically, mentally

BUT

...a woman that prays for, even WITH her man!? Amen! A REAL man will honor and respect you wholeheartedly for your relationship with the Lord...unless the two of you have different views on religion, then that's a totally different case and blog altogether.

Men want...a woman who isn't ALWAYS partying/in the club:
no (hand clap) man (hand clap) wants (hand clap) his (hand clap) woman to be (hand clap) in (hand clap) the (hand clap) club all the damn time!

Now, it's ok to hang out with your homegirls here and there but every weekend tho? If you're the type to party, date a party promoter so y'all can take Instagram selfies, make collages n'sh*t, and spend money you don't really got on bottles you don't really like. The goal of a relationship is to build into something greater and that can NOT be achieved if you're out twerkin to Miley Cyrus and Lil' Wayne every Friday and Saturday night. #TurnYoAssDownForSomething

Men want...a woman with a sense of humor, whose playful:
Be the Gina, to his Martin! You don't have to be hilarious but a woman who has a sense of humor? #Winning! Those who remember the show Martin, remembers that, not only was Gina beautiful, strong, educated, and driven...she was a fool! And YES, those kinda women EXIST! Don't complain about him being a grown ass man who enjoys playing video games; grab a controller and play along, hell, practice when he's not home! Bored? Grab a pillow and pop his in the head; start a pillow fight...you know play fighting always leads into sex! Men love a woman that's playful, plain and simple.

Men want...a woman who has her own and a great sense of self:
Ladies: don't let these weak ass men/n****s trick you into believing you have to be a weaker woman because they aren't secure with who they are! A mam wants a woman who adds to what he has going on in his life already, along with bringing the great things she has to offer and building upon that. Never should you drop all of what you're doing in YOUR life for HIM because if you lose him...what will YOU have? The sexiest thing you as a woman can wear is confidence accompanied by a strong head on you shoulders. Know who YOU are first and foremost. Know your worth as a woman, so I can have something to value.

*Men want...a woman who is mentally mature:
All we want is a woman who can handle her emotions on a mature level, that's all. It's crazy when a man and woman have a misunderstanding over things and the woman shuts down or beings to attack because she lacks the ability to comprehend how to understand a point of view other than their own. Express your feelings boo boo, but don't come at me crazy for what YOU'RE feeling; just express yourself in a real and honest manner. I'm not looking for you to cut me off when I'm talking. I'm not looking for you to be dismissive or raise your tone when you hear something you don't agree with. I'm looking for you to be open minded and be attentive to not only what I have to say but why I'm saying it. How you handle your emotions as a woman, will always be a key factor in a man deciding if he wants to be with you or not on a more serious level.

Men want...a woman who will be open and honest, respectful, and be a team player:
To further my point in the last paragraph: be open with me! Tell me what's going on in the relationship/marriage but don't do it in a nagging way! There are ways to tell me what's on your mind, without me having to guess. Also, honesty is the best policy! Honesty is like Elmer's glue in every relationship/marriage because without it, nothing can truly be held together. No man wants to be with a woman who he feels is dishonest. On top of that, I have to HAVE something to respect right? Self respect is something every man looks for in a woman, contrary to popular belief. Respect doesn't only mean you give it to me...but you have it and give it to yourself! And on top of all of that: teamwork, makes, the, dream, work! I've said it once and I will continue to say it: until you are whole as an individual, a relationship can't work which means a marriage won't come about. Ladies, stop tryna force these men into getting in a relationship when you know good-and-damn-well you aren't over your ex or a past relationship/situationship that didn't work in your favor. We as men look for a woman we can see ourselves grow old with, not grow tired of.

Men want...a woman who can cook:
You don't have to be no Paula Deen, hell, you don't even have to be Rachel Ray but you must be able to do a lil' sumthin' sumthin' in the kitchen. If you can read and follow a recipe, you'll be alll-right! You don't even have to cook all the time either, just cook here and there! For an added bonus...cook with him (keep the relationship exciting). The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach and his...

Come on back tomorrow, for the conclusion of... "What a Man Wants".
And I mean it this time, lol.

8pm Eastern Time!

@renaissance_brotha_