So I Have This Friend: Whose Sex is Wack!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from friend:
"Yo Ant, this bi*** @geminisweet p**** is wack! It smelled like 22 Africans in leather suits b! It's like, she dead came and then got up and showered and left, like, are you serious! I almost blacked on her! If I didn't have to study for MCATs I would've blacked b! Why these b****es think they can get theirs and bounce like that? Why was she so stiff?!?! I don't wanna waste your time but I want you to make a blog about this b, like, that's ya homegirl and I blame you for tellin me to f***. I wasted my night and I coulda been in Mel b, like, I curved Mel for this b****! Make a blog about her sex being wack or something because I'm not f***in these b****es no more man, it got me aggy!

Dilla"

Women think that they're the only ones who experience bad sex but guess again ladies, you're not. For the past few months, swarms of guys have been hitting me up asking me to make a post or blog about women and their lackluster sex, so, here we are. Now, in no way, shape or form am I degrading women in any way, nor do I want this to come across as sexist, but ladies...sometimes your sex ain't on point. I've experienced some bad sex partners in my day, fortunately not a crazy amount because I'm not out here giving the d*** away like Rondo dishing the ball but the ones that I have experienced...*phew*! I figured I'd put together a list of complaints I've gotten and also share some of my insight for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, I present to you:

So I Have This Friend...whose sex is wack!

*class is in session*

Spider-Man:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can say, "yea, yea, just make sure you give me all that d***!" and then

10 minutes later...

"baby...babe...wait, wait, hol'up, hol'up!"

Oh, so you Big Sean now? Men don't like women who run from the d*** just like women don't like men who can't keep their d*** up! You wanna be a runner? Apply at Applebee's or Friday's. I'm suckin' and lickin' on that clit, don't stop me. I got your legs on my shoulders, hittin' that spot, don't put your clammy ass hands on my chest to push me away. I got ya face down, ass up, hands grippin' ya waist, don't scoot away. If it hurts, say so, if not, let me pin you down and enjoy it because all that movin' n'sh*t like lil' boys do in the barber chair... #AintNobodyGotTimeFoDat
Tip: If its feelin' good to you, let it be so you can cum and speaking of cummin'...

tap-out:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can even fix her lips and say some sh*t like, "I'm bout to cum, YES...*wooo*...I'm done (insert smiley face)." Done? B***h, you done making that box macaroni and cheese you make every Tuesday? Or are you done leaving hair in the shower because I'm confused. I know loads of men are guilty of the same behavior but all it takes is a 5 minute blow job and 10 minutes of penetration and we're good; women on the other hand require a lot more time and effort. No man wants to hear, "yea, yea, yea just make sure you ain't stingy with the d***!" and then she's stingy with the p****, WTFeezy!? Just because yo ol' selfish ass is finished don't mean I'm done! You better make that mouth work or them hands work because I counted two orgasms for you and 0 for me and I better nut before I turn into the Incredible Hulk over here.

Oh, you thought I was a "1-minute man" ha. You thought I was gonna get a taste of dat p****, bust a nut n'go to bed ha. You thought I was like Tyrone ha; you thought them backshots was gon' take me out my zone ha. Well baby girl see you wrong ha. You came a few times, now you surprised I last long ha...

I digress,

Tip: You may have laughed at that musical break but seriously: don't just leave him hangin', finish what you start.

doorknob stiff:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how you can post videos of you "twerkin dat ass" for Vine or Instagram but when it comes to sex...you're like a fish outta water! Maybe it's me, may-be-it's-ME, but how you gon' climb yo ass in the bed and then don't climb on the d*** to ride!? You better put some movement on dat d***! (Pops from Friday voice). I'm not saying you have to go ape s*** on the d***, but hell, if you moving like Sara from Save The Last Dance when Derrick taught her how to dance when we out at the club, don't be as stiff as President Obama when he was on Ellen (Obama Dancing) when we f***, plain and simple.
Tip: Don't let me be the only one putting in some action! If we're in doggystyle position, throw that ass back! If you're on top ridin', get on your tippy-toes and bounce!

The Nicki Minaj-er:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how after only TWO damn strokes...you screaming like a damn exorcist is being performed! Can I get to stroke 17 before you start reciting sexual scriptures!? Oh, so you want a Tony Award for your performance? Or, or maybe you thought you were gonna get an Oscar? Keep the Nicki Minaj- voices and faces outta the bedroom! I know the d*** be good but if you wanna perform and live out your inner thespian, become a YouTube actress; cut the sh*t.
Tip: Grab a damn pillow and yell into it. Grab your panties, roll them into a little ball and shove them in your mouth, unless your vagina smells like pig tongue and sauerkraut, which brings me to my next point...

all-day-p**** (ADP):
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can expect a man to lick, suck, finger, or stick his penis into a vagina that has not been cleansed! If you know you've been out all day at work, or in the gym, or grocery shopping, or shoe shopping, or at bible study and then you want me to come over (or you come over) and you're expecting sex and you ain't take some soap and water to that vagina? I hope your clit falls off! Seriously tho, that sh*t ain't cool. Hygiene is important and should be a top priority when it comes to sex. Also ladies, stop going to the bathroom to pee and/or sh*t and then getting back in the bed expecting us to resume sexual activities, it's just not happening.
Tip: Cleanliness is next to Godliness; make sure you wash the holy hell outta your vagina, amen!

what dat mouth DON'T do?:
I will NEVER, be able to understandable: how any woman can expect a man to go deep sea divin' and then turn around and won't play a clarinet solo on the penis! Do I look like Charlie Brown? You not gon' play me! Now me personally, Anthony, I'm not a fan of it, but a normal dude who ENJOYS receiving oral sex, will feel some kinda way. Also, no teeth; this ain't a BBQ and my d*** is NOT a piece of corn! Lastly, for all you women who expect men to swallow your vaginal juices when we're performing oral but you scrunchie your face up when we want to cum in YOUR mouth, listen: either you're swallowing or yore taking it on your upper lip because if not...stay at home and watch Law & Order.
Tip: If you don't like the way it taste, have him increase his fruit intake. If you're not a 'flute blower' or you know you "suck d***" at suckin' d***, just stay at home and watch a Netflix movies.

*non-positional:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how the only positions you do are:

•doggystyle
•missionary
•ridin' a dude's face

Don't nobody got time for that, "but I only cum when he hittin it from the back!" ... have you TIRED sex while on your side, one leg flat, the other wrapped around him or in the air and he just goes deeper and deeper...and deeper? Probably not but guess the f*** what: IT'LL MAKE YOU THANK HIS MAMA FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD! You don't have to be Gabby Douglas on the d*ck (No R. Kelly) but f*** out-SIDE your comfort zone! I'm not asking you to be a trapeze artist but expand your horizons! On the other hand tho, ladies, stop tryna do positions that don't fit your body type. If you know you can't ride the d***, spare the both of us because if I'm bored, I'm grabbing my phone and watching Hey Arnold on YouTube. Stop tryna do splits n'sh*t when you know good-and-damn-well your body ain't set up that way. If you're athletically challenged: find a yoga class, Zumba, or come to me for some ballet moves that you can utilize...my services don't come cheap tho.
Tip: Listen to Usher's, "That's What It's Made For," for some inspiration or seriously, take up Yoga.

squirt without warning:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can KNOW she's a squirter but decides not to disclose that info to me before sex. I, like many other men, LOVE a squirter but without warning? Nah (Chief Keef voice). If I'm tongue drillin' you, you start screaming, legs start shakin', and it turns into splash waterfalls...I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing the biggest pot, filling it with water, and tossing it on your face! Give me a warning at least so I can use some old bed sheets and a couple of towels, so we both not looking at each other like, "rock-paper-scissors for who sleeps in the wet spot?" because 9/10 I'm gonna win and you're gonna be mighty upset about having to sleep in that sh*t.
Tip: Give me a heads up, that simple.

leave my ass alone:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can think its cool to run their lil' manicured fingers anywhere near a man's ass. Oh, ohhhhhh, orrrr their tongue!!! Consult (claps hands) your (claps hands) man (claps hands) before (claps hands) deciding (claps hands) to (claps hands) Lamborghini his doors (claps hands)! What I mean is: don't just assume because you go from the d*** to the balls, that you gotta move your damn tongue down into my booty hole! YES- it's a pleasure zone for men; NO- no man wants his salad tossed without warning! This ain't HBO Oz! Some dudes enjoy it-hey, more power to them but ask first. If you wanna grab my ass while we're in missionary, go for it but please...don't move those fingers elsewhere. You stick your fingers in my ass, I'm d**k'-dippin' in ya butt!
Tip: Just ask because no man wants a "Lamborghini Mercy" outta nowhere.

Now I'm sure there are a lot more I forgot to mention so, share some, if you don't mind! All feedback is welcomed and highly encouraged!

I hope you enjoy this Dilla and make sure you tell other dudes to read and follow the movement too boy!

@renaissance_brotha_