Make It Nasty

*Warning: the following content is intended for MATURE audiences only*

*Viewers discretion is advised* 

It's almost 2014 and men are STILL acting like pleasuring a woman down below is the equivalent to catching cooties! Fellas, I understand you don't want to be clowned by your homeboys but what you really don't want is one OF your homeboys doing some sh*t you ain't have the time for: e.g. eating your woman out. If you think, RIGHT NOW, some dude on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, ain't pressuring your woman, to let him come over or vice versa, so he can watch Redbox movies eat your woman's vagina...you are sadly mistaken.

Maybe it's because you still ain't learn from Eat One, Teach One, pt. 1 or maybe it's because you're stuck on stupid or maybe it's because you're more concerned with your NBA/NFL fantasy team, to even bother with going down town and sending your woman to work happier than a kid on Christmas! Whatever your rationale is, I assure you, THIS piece right here, will help you out come sex time...period.

*class is in session*

The idea of part 2 is to make sure you as man, do everything in your powers, to insure a night/morning/afternoon of pure bliss...

and just be a down right freak!!!

Listen, if you're a family member or anything else along those lines...cut your loses now, stop reading, and get ready for Scandal

...because I'm bout to say some sh*t, that'll f*** your perception of me.

Eat It From The Back:

A lot of men are afraid to eat it from the back because the anus is pretty much RIGHT, THERE! Listen, if you're an adult, you should KNOW where that hole is; so don't get behind her and lick all crazy or 8/10 your tongue WILL enter that hole. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't like her p**** ate from the back! Here's what you do fellas: have her come over to you and say some sh*t like, "damn babe, your butt looks bigger (smaller), what you been doing?". This will prompt her to turn around and have her ass in your face. Now, unless she's on her period, I say, just do some sneak sh*t like, idk, start pulling down her- whatever she's wearing and start kissing her ass...men like kissing ass. Bend her over, gently, and if she's wearing panties, pull them suckas to the side, if not, just stick your tongue in, slowwwly. The spontaneity mixed with the pleasure will not only have have her wet, but, cummin' like crazy! Tell her to look back at you while you're eating it...women love lookin' back at it. Your goal is to make sure your sucking on those lips and licking that clit, like it's a cup or pudding or jell-o or whatever it is, that you like.

Let Her Ride Your Face:

This is my personal favorite, why? Because there's nothing like a woman who THINKS she's in control when in reality...she isn't. Some men don't like this sh*t but will two-step they ass out the shower and Electric Slide their penis, into the mouth of their sleeping partner. Aside from rocking a beard; a woman's vagina is one of the sexiest things a man could have on his face. Y'all chillen', layin' around and she get that "itch", don't go down to her, tell her to come up to you! Whisper in her ear, "bae, put that p****, on my face! (Kevin Hart voice)". You know how quick she'll hop on your face? The goal is to make sure she's relaxed, why? Because if she's stiff, her weight will f*** things up and if you thought Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown ass ain't no know how to breathe with no air...yo ass will surely soon find out! Take your time tho. Grab her ass, palm it, smack it, grab her breast, hell, rub your fingers over her wetness, dip'em in your mouth, and play with her nipples, while grabbing on her ass, while eating her out, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! Your goal is to make her cum so you can slurp all them juices out and if that don't work...

Use a Toy:

Some of you dudes will read this and think, "yo that's gay!". Everything ain't for everybody, I understand that. I also understand that, sometimes, you gotta do a lil' extra and be willing to spice sh*t up. You know how that white guy was looking for something to make his "party pop off" in that Beats Blue Pill commercial? Same applies to sex: use one of her toys (or suggest that she buy one), so that y'all "party" pops off! You can use a dildo, rabbit, or a vibrator to help assist you eat the p****, pick your poison. I'm not telling you to use this as a crutch nor am I suggesting you use one on every girl your encounter (unless they all happen to like that s***) nor am I suggesting that YOU BUY ONE but if you have a long time GF or you're married, I say: fu** it, throw ambition to the wind and get it poppin! If you use a vibrator for instance: allow the vibrator to stimulate her clit, while your tongue, works her insides. A dildo can be used to penetrate her WHILE you work on her clit. Lastly, a rabbit...a rabbit usually has dual capabilities, so, the two of you (toy and tongue) can switch off periodically. Hell, you can even let her suck on the dildo, if you want or "toss her salad" and let the dildo penetrate her vagina and speaking of "tossin her salad"...

Lamborghini Her Doors:

You know how the doors go up on a Lamborghini, that's how her legs should go up when you're tossing her salad. I know y'all like, "whaaatttt!?!?" but let me tell you:

she (claps hands) will (claps hands) go (claps hands) f***in (claps hands) crazy (claps hands) when you stick (claps hands) your (claps hands) tongue (claps hands) in her ass!

It's not for everybody, I understand that. Some women enjoy it, not all the time...but they enjoy it. Before you even consider doing it men:

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS CLEAN!

(same goes for the kitty cat)

I'm not an ass eating specialist but I know if you start eating her out and wet your index finger up and slide it in her "tunnel of love" and then roll your tongue upwards and then use two other fingers to pleasure her...s**t will get real!

Get on Your Knees:

"You got a job, you got degrees/but so wat playa, get on yo kneeeess!" (In my Khia voice...you know, the chick from "My Neck, My Back").

Ima keep it alll the way real on this one: when you're on your knees and she's just looking at you, look her dead in the eye and keep doing what you're doing! Women love to have a submissive (and aggressive) guy when it comes down to sex. The submissiveness comes from you being on your knees, giving her all your attention. The aggressiveness comes from when your eating her and talking sh*t to her at the same time,

"You like that shit right?!"

"Hold dem legs, HOLD DEM LEGS!"

"Put ya hand on the back of my head!"

"Push me deeper in that s***!"

You know, shit like that. Women like when you take charge fellas. The goal is to make her cum to the point where her legs shake and she's just cursing you out,

"You ain't shit, you know that!! I was suppose to go out to the club!"

Oh no b****, you ain't goin nowhere!

Not all men are into eating p**** but to the ones who are; I salute you! Now that I think about it, some of you dudes need to read this one and part 1 because you might THINK you're doing something...but you're not. If you expect a woman to put her mouth...on and or around your penis, you should most definitely, put your tongue and lips...in and or around her vagina. The key is to keep her thinking, "is he going suck for x amount mins? Is he gonna lick my clit in circles or up and down?". Keep her on her toes! Use them fingers and spread them lips apart while you let her suck on your other fingers. Suck on her clit, but not too hard. Mix up your licking speeds. Nibble on her clit as well, but make sure you don't Vampire Diaries/True Blood her p****! Make, love, to, her, vagina, fellas; she'll appreciate it, as well as her vagina. Pin her ass on the bed and put her legs back and start from her naval and work your way down...

Never mind.

@renaissance_brotha_

On Instagram STILL Flexxxin, pt. 2

If you thought the last one was offensive...just wait till you read this one!

*class is in session*

I advise you (if you haven't already done so) to go read "On Instagram Straight Flexxxin" before you even consider reading this piece, THIS way...you can keep up a very high level of laughter.

Ladies, it's almost the end of the year and since the last time we met the f***ery level was high but not, the f***ery level is at an all TIME high and I ain't happy. So, with THAT being said,

Let's begin shall we

"#LostFootage, #LateUpload, #OldToMeNewToYou" Pic:
Seeing these hashtags make my balls itch. Lost footage? That sh*t been in your phone since last-damn-week and you ain't wanna upload it after ladies night for whatever reason and now we have to be subjected to this f***ery?! Spare me.

*whiny female voice*
"#LostFootage from ladies night (insert emojis). We was too turnt uuup!"

Ughh, I wish your phone turnt up missing! All you gon do is add a filter on that s*** and either

A) keep it up, if it gets over 20+ likes in 5 minutes or
B) delete it, if it doesnt

Also, the #OldToMeNewToYou and #LateUpload hashtag/pic, #KillThatSh_tLadies. Keep that old pic in your phone! You looked like Miley Cyrus for Halloween and you wanna post it now? B****, Halloween was last damn month! You're better off posting a pic from Thanksgiving!

"Nipps & Cleav" Pic:
Allow me to play good cop/bad cop here for a min: YES, I love women and their assets, especially a woman with some nice ass nipple rings but what I don't like is (and I'm sure Chief Keef will agree with me on this)...

women who DO IT and get mad at the attention it garners!

YES, you're gonna get attention from dudes (and women who swing that way) whenever you post a pic like that. YES, you're "thirst trappin" and YES, men WILL be on one of your old pics, asking if you're single and leaving everything from a thematic essay to a number, pager, or P.O. box info on it. If you don't like the "thirst" that comes along with posting a pic like,

"my lips look on POINT!"
but
*all I see is the breast, all I, all I see is breast* (Rih Rih voice)*

put a halt on that: nipple (ring) pressed hard against the wife beater/t-shirt, cleavage looking like two scoops of skin toned ice cream pic then. Always remember ladies: if you trap them...the thirst will come!

"The Selfie" Pic:
This selfie overload s*** has become a lil' too much. I know it's only Instagram and the following will totally contradict the prior of what I JUST said but a selfie every other post is annoying! Selfie in the car, selfie on the toilet, selfie at church, selfie in class, selfie on the plane, selfie at work, selfie when you're bored, selfie when you're bored at work or school, selfie while you're drinking, selfie when you're performing oral, selfie in the shower, selfie in that dirty ass mirror that ain't been clean since Obama first took office, selfie from when you graduated pre-k, selfie at your grandmother's funeral, selfie at the doctor's office, selfie when your "him" doesn't call/text/double tap/email/FaceTime you, sel...you get my point. I enjoy a good selfie just as much as the next self absorbed IG account holder but selfie addiction is no laughing matter. Addiction to selfies can f*** up your friends, your HEALTH, and scary enough, your money...it's a disease ladies.


YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY A PAGE FULL OF SELFIES LOOK!








"WCW for today is...me, duuh!" Pic:
For those who are out of the loop and don't know what WCW stands for and the significance of it (or lack thereof), allow me to be a jackass help you out, just a lil:

WC/WCW = woman crush/woman crush Wednesday.
Significance: to highlight a woman who is a crush, of importance in your life, or hell, even your bestie, e.g. Halle Berry, @eyes2pretti2cry__, or your mom.

B****, we already get a thousand selfies of you a day and now on Wednesdays I gotta see recycled pics of you as your OWN woman crush!!! F*** outta here with that Dorian Gray s***!

*pic of self*
"Of COURSE I'm my own WCW...duuh! With school, work, dating, bills, weave rotations, cooking, #TURNINUPPPPP, being blessed n not chasing NO MAN, WCW belongs to me (insert kissy face emojis)."

Listen, ima tell you what other dudes think when they see this s***; sh*t is wack b and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I understand you're a woman who works hard but, I thought the purpose of the day was to highlight a crush, not yourself...but I could be wrong.

Videos:
Ever since Instagram gave us the option to upload a 15 second video of whateverness...sh*t has been crazy! Ima fan of the twerk videos, hell, ima man, but the annoying ass females who can't twerk depress my penis something awful! I click on the video to see ass bouncing and I see nothing but headdddd, shoulders, knees and bones, (knees and bones) moving! Or the females who believe its cool to drive and record a video like car crashes aren't real! B****, save your singing for the shower and spare us the fact that you're sitting in traffic. Oh, ohhhhh, and let me not forget about the ones who start the video with, "hiii Instagram!!" anytime you hear that s***, you KNOW the video is about to be about bull AND s***! And lastly, let me not leave out the ones who post videos of themselves duck lippin, play in their hair, showing us mad different angles, but...not, saying, a, f***in word! Half of you ladies will read this and be like "sooo, I love postin videos, I'll never let it go!". Give us a break, looking like a damn mime n's***! Post a video of you taking a test, getting some work done, or cleaning your mirror that you utilize for every damn full body selfie.

And speaking of mirrors...

"Bathroom & Dressing room" Pic:
"Quick bathroom flick...women love bathroom flicks!". No they don't, well, sh*t, I hope not. To all you ladies taking bathroom & fitting room pics, answer these right quick:

• are you actually trying on anything?
• if you are, are you actually buying the item(s) or anything else from that store?
• do you feel weird knowing you're taking a bunch of damn pics & not purchasing a damn thing?!
• do you use the bathroom before or after you take like 10+ pics to post before you actually get it right?
• if you use the bathroom...do you wash your hands before taking the pic?
• when deciding on takin a bathroom pic: do you wait for it to clear it out or do you wait until someone JUST gets into the stall?
• do you take these pics b/c their mirror is cleaner there, vs. your house?

If you answered yes to 80% of the questions, I'm sorry to inform you but: you're a THOT! Urbandictionary what a THOT is, if you are unfamiliar.

You SEE how clean that mirror is ladies...you wish yours was that damn clean on a GREAT day!












"Ughh, he so thirsty" Pic:
The world we live in where any female will waste their energy and time on posting exposing, men/n*ggas because they give them a compliment on an old pic, via Twitter DM, FB inbox,thru text, or wherever, when its TOO much. Now, I will admit, some guys do go way over the top with their s*** like below for instance,











THIS is the sh*t females get and I hate it because now I can't text nothing close to this, without having to be put in a damn "thirst" category. But the ones who just say simple things or who have actually found a genuine interest in you based off of what you post, always seem to be the ones getting put "on that Summer Jam screen" (a point in Hip Hop history, when JayZ exposed Prodigy from Mobb Deep). YES, some dudes need to check themselves into the nearest Thirst Clinic, ASAP, but every dude who gives a compliment isn't thirsty. To me, there's a difference between having an interest in someone vs. being thirsty but that's a different blog in itself. Ladies, you don't need to post the convo from when sh** turned left between you and @TheRealMoetDon and totally leave out the fact that you were damn near begging him to take you out to dinner and lustin' for his d***! We get it, dudes like you, you're pretty, dudes are thirsty, and a government shutdown is right around the corner a-GAIN; who gives a f***! Just imagine if dudes started doing that...hmmmm.

"Collage" Pics:
I'm tired of seeing the collages with 3 pics and two of them are the SAME exact ones, just flipped around or some sh**.

"Imagine if there were 3 of me!?!? #TripleTrouble."

I don't even like the idea of 1 of you let alone two more. I also have grown to despise the fact that sometimes, one of the pics will be small, appearing that is further away, and it just gets closer and closer and closer in each box of the collage; it's like in the scary movie and you know the killer is RIGHT behind the white girl because her dumb ass just stopped running and the music stopped and BA-BAM B****...you're dead! Why not use different pics? Or the ones with like 5 different boxes: 2 of the boxes have the same pic, 2 others have different filters, and 1 is flipped...I'm sorry but Jesus needs to flag every pic on your page.

"Zamnnnn, I need my p**** worked baaddd!" Pic:
Ok, ok we get it b****, you want your p**** ate and some d*** to wash away the pain your vagina feels from being lonely but every other post tho?! Come on! I love sex, don't get me wrong and that's the reason why my last account got deleted but females need to realize the attention they'll receive when they constantly post s*** like,

Dudes will flood your old pics with questions galore about your relationship status and why #NoNewFriends need not apply to them! If a dude could leave you his house key under your pic, tuuh, he would! I love you ladies but: you (claps hands) can't (claps hands) post (claps hands) lusty (claps hands) s*** and (claps hands) (claps hands) expect (claps hands) men (claps hands) not (claps hands) to (claps hands) lust (claps hands) you dumbass! Men see this and we're not thinking, "oh, *like*" and that's it. We're thinking, *like" along with some freak ***t we wanna NOW do to you, even tho you're the daughter of pastor...nvm. 24 hours in a day and you spend it posting about sex and you wonder why you can't get attention outside of a hard di**...

Now, in closing ladies...just cut the sh**! This of course was merely a joke, a piece for entertainment if you will, but you know what they say about jokes, so...yea. If I have offended you, I'm sorry, just think about what I DIDN'T say...

@renaissance_brotha_