*class is in session*
I advise you (if you haven't already done so) to go read "On Instagram Straight Flexxxin" before you even consider reading this piece, THIS way...you can keep up a very high level of laughter.
Ladies, it's almost the end of the year and since the last time we met the f***ery level was high but not, the f***ery level is at an all TIME high and I ain't happy. So, with THAT being said,
Let's begin shall we
"#LostFootage, #LateUpload, #OldToMeNewToYou" Pic:
Seeing these hashtags make my balls itch. Lost footage? That sh*t been in your phone since last-damn-week and you ain't wanna upload it after ladies night for whatever reason and now we have to be subjected to this f***ery?! Spare me.
*whiny female voice*
"#LostFootage from ladies night (insert emojis). We was too turnt uuup!"
Ughh, I wish your phone turnt up missing! All you gon do is add a filter on that s*** and either
A) keep it up, if it gets over 20+ likes in 5 minutes or
B) delete it, if it doesnt
Also, the #OldToMeNewToYou and #LateUpload hashtag/pic, #KillThatSh_tLadies. Keep that old pic in your phone! You looked like Miley Cyrus for Halloween and you wanna post it now? B****, Halloween was last damn month! You're better off posting a pic from Thanksgiving!
"Nipps & Cleav" Pic:
Allow me to play good cop/bad cop here for a min: YES, I love women and their assets, especially a woman with some nice ass nipple rings but what I don't like is (and I'm sure Chief Keef will agree with me on this)...
women who DO IT and get mad at the attention it garners!
YES, you're gonna get attention from dudes (and women who swing that way) whenever you post a pic like that. YES, you're "thirst trappin" and YES, men WILL be on one of your old pics, asking if you're single and leaving everything from a thematic essay to a number, pager, or P.O. box info on it. If you don't like the "thirst" that comes along with posting a pic like,
"my lips look on POINT!"
but
*all I see is the breast, all I, all I see is breast* (Rih Rih voice)*
put a halt on that: nipple (ring) pressed hard against the wife beater/t-shirt, cleavage looking like two scoops of skin toned ice cream pic then. Always remember ladies: if you trap them...the thirst will come!
"The Selfie" Pic:
This selfie overload s*** has become a lil' too much. I know it's only Instagram and the following will totally contradict the prior of what I JUST said but a selfie every other post is annoying! Selfie in the car, selfie on the toilet, selfie at church, selfie in class, selfie on the plane, selfie at work, selfie when you're bored, selfie when you're bored at work or school, selfie while you're drinking, selfie when you're performing oral, selfie in the shower, selfie in that dirty ass mirror that ain't been clean since Obama first took office, selfie from when you graduated pre-k, selfie at your grandmother's funeral, selfie at the doctor's office, selfie when your "him" doesn't call/text/double tap/email/FaceTime you, sel...you get my point. I enjoy a good selfie just as much as the next
YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY A PAGE FULL OF SELFIES LOOK!
"WCW for today is...me, duuh!" Pic:
For those who are out of the loop and don't know what WCW stands for and the significance of it (or lack thereof), allow me to
WC/WCW = woman crush/woman crush Wednesday.
Significance: to highlight a woman who is a crush, of importance in your life, or hell, even your bestie, e.g. Halle Berry, @eyes2pretti2cry__, or your mom.
B****, we already get a thousand selfies of you a day and now on Wednesdays I gotta see recycled pics of you as your OWN woman crush!!! F*** outta here with that Dorian Gray s***!
*pic of self*
"Of COURSE I'm my own WCW...duuh! With school, work, dating, bills, weave rotations, cooking, #TURNINUPPPPP, being blessed n not chasing NO MAN, WCW belongs to me (insert kissy face emojis)."
Listen, ima tell you what other dudes think when they see this s***; sh*t is wack b and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I understand you're a woman who works hard but, I thought the purpose of the day was to highlight a crush, not yourself...but I could be wrong.
Videos:
Ever since Instagram gave us the option to upload a 15 second video of whateverness...sh*t has been crazy! Ima fan of the twerk videos, hell, ima man, but the annoying ass females who can't twerk depress my penis something awful! I click on the video to see ass bouncing and I see nothing but headdddd, shoulders, knees and bones, (knees and bones) moving! Or the females who believe its cool to drive and record a video like car crashes aren't real! B****, save your singing for the shower and spare us the fact that you're sitting in traffic. Oh, ohhhhh, and let me not forget about the ones who start the video with, "hiii Instagram!!" anytime you hear that s***, you KNOW the video is about to be about bull AND s***! And lastly, let me not leave out the ones who post videos of themselves duck lippin, play in their hair, showing us mad different angles, but...not, saying, a, f***in word! Half of you ladies will read this and be like "sooo, I love postin videos, I'll never let it go!". Give us a break, looking like a damn mime n's***! Post a video of you taking a test, getting some work done, or cleaning your mirror that you utilize for every damn full body selfie.
And speaking of mirrors...
"Bathroom & Dressing room" Pic:
"Quick bathroom flick...women love bathroom flicks!". No they don't, well, sh*t, I hope not. To all you ladies taking bathroom & fitting room pics, answer these right quick:
• are you actually trying on anything?
• if you are, are you actually buying the item(s) or anything else from that store?
• do you feel weird knowing you're taking a bunch of damn pics & not purchasing a damn thing?!
• do you use the bathroom before or after you take like 10+ pics to post before you actually get it right?
• if you use the bathroom...do you wash your hands before taking the pic?
• when deciding on takin a bathroom pic: do you wait for it to clear it out or do you wait until someone JUST gets into the stall?
• do you take these pics b/c their mirror is cleaner there, vs. your house?
If you answered yes to 80% of the questions, I'm sorry to inform you but: you're a THOT! Urbandictionary what a THOT is, if you are unfamiliar.
You SEE how clean that mirror is ladies...you wish yours was that damn clean on a GREAT day!
"Ughh, he so thirsty" Pic:
The world we live in where any female will waste their energy and time on
THIS is the sh*t females get and I hate it because now I can't text nothing close to this, without having to be put in a damn "thirst" category. But the ones who just say simple things or who have actually found a genuine interest in you based off of what you post, always seem to be the ones getting put "on that Summer Jam screen" (a point in Hip Hop history, when JayZ exposed Prodigy from Mobb Deep). YES, some dudes need to check themselves into the nearest Thirst Clinic, ASAP, but every dude who gives a compliment isn't thirsty. To me, there's a difference between having an interest in someone vs. being thirsty but that's a different blog in itself. Ladies, you don't need to post the convo from when sh** turned left between you and @TheRealMoetDon and totally leave out the fact that you were damn near begging him to take you out to dinner and lustin' for his d***! We get it, dudes like you, you're pretty, dudes are thirsty, and a government shutdown is right around the corner a-GAIN; who gives a f***! Just imagine if dudes started doing that...hmmmm.
"Collage" Pics:
I'm tired of seeing the collages with 3 pics and two of them are the SAME exact ones, just flipped around or some sh**.
"Imagine if there were 3 of me!?!? #TripleTrouble."
I don't even like the idea of 1 of you let alone two more. I also have grown to despise the fact that sometimes, one of the pics will be small, appearing that is further away, and it just gets closer and closer and closer in each box of the collage; it's like in the scary movie and you know the killer is RIGHT behind the white girl because her dumb ass just stopped running and the music stopped and BA-BAM B****...you're dead! Why not use different pics? Or the ones with like 5 different boxes: 2 of the boxes have the same pic, 2 others have different filters, and 1 is flipped...I'm sorry but Jesus needs to flag every pic on your page.
"Zamnnnn, I need my p**** worked baaddd!" Pic:
Ok, ok we get it b****, you want your p**** ate and some d*** to wash away the pain your vagina feels from being lonely but every other post tho?! Come on! I love sex, don't get me wrong and that's the reason why my last account got deleted but females need to realize the attention they'll receive when they constantly post s*** like,
Dudes will flood your old pics with questions galore about your relationship status and why #NoNewFriends need not apply to them! If a dude could leave you his house key under your pic, tuuh, he would! I love you ladies but: you (claps hands) can't (claps hands) post (claps hands) lusty (claps hands) s*** and (claps hands) (claps hands) expect (claps hands) men (claps hands) not (claps hands) to (claps hands) lust (claps hands) you dumbass! Men see this and we're not thinking, "oh, *like*" and that's it. We're thinking, *like" along with some freak ***t we wanna NOW do to you, even tho you're the daughter of pastor...nvm. 24 hours in a day and you spend it posting about sex and you wonder why you can't get attention outside of a hard di**...
Now, in closing ladies...just cut the sh**! This of course was merely a joke, a piece for entertainment if you will, but you know what they say about jokes, so...yea. If I have offended you, I'm sorry, just think about what I DIDN'T say...
@renaissance_brotha_
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