Like a Broke Car, Bro...You're Pushing It

*I know this will get read and I hope it gets read and that it lights a fire under the ass of those who do this: ladies, stop mentioning to men, that WE have all these other f***ing women after us and yada yada yada because it's unattractive and it makes you look weak as a woman! I put it in a blog because if I text, Tango, Skype, email, KiK, SnapChat, Vine, Instagram DM, Tweet, FB post it 8/10 all you'll do is like and/or reference it back in the midst of a convo...STOP DOING THAT SH*T! No man mans to hear it! Ok, women comment and like things upon social media...that's the point! You think you're being funny but the moment a man feels offended then it's, "I need a man that's not a p***y of a God fearing solider," or some tom-foolery like that. Be mindful of how you converse with a man but more importantly how you come across as a woman because you will be blessed with someone exactly like you and if you think that ish is attractive or that it validates something...it doesn't. Cut the sh*t ladies, period.*

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Men cheat but women, women?!?! Women CHEAT! I'm not here to bash women or anything like that because I do feel (some) women have their reasons for cheating and this is what this entire blog is about:

reasons why she cheated.

I'm not saying cheating is right, just like I don't agree with Mona Scott producing more Love & Hip Hops but, that's neither here nor there. Sometimes the relationship isn't going too smoothly and she's tired of explaining things to you that you should be understanding after the 1000th time or maybe because you thought it was a good idea to step outside of ya'll commitment and sleep with the heffa Jennifer, you know, the one she's no longer friends with. Whatever the reason is, she's cheated, now what? If you're a typical man, you won't be able to stomach the fact that she's stepped out on you and if you're a typical man, you probably aren't reading this but, to the ones that are,

grab a seat, get comfy...

*class is in session*

1. Not The Man She Fell In Love With:

You remember getting her flowers because it was the nice thing to do or telling her to get dressed to go out to eat because she didn't feel like cooking or massaging her feet after she's had a long day at work...you might not, but she does. You were romantic! I'm talking: Gerald Levert, Keith Sweat, Joe (R&B music in the 90s) kinda romantic but now...you're like The Weeknd,

"can you let me stretch that pu*** out or nah/I'm not the type to call you back tomorrow..."

and while all that will get the vagina wet, if said properly, she's not that interested, why? Because you've changed. Who knows why or what has happened to you but unless that got communicated to her...you messed up bruh. When she goes from voicing her issues on why you don't do what you used to do to not giving a f***, just know she has begun to move on and more than likely she's moved on top of another man (or woman)...but that's none of my business.

2. You're Boring:

You've (hands clap) gotten (hands clap) too damn (hands clap) com-fort-able (hands clap)!

When you've become a robot or a "yes man" I can almost guarantee things will take a turn for the worst. She wants to have sex some place spontaneous- you wanna f*** her on the couch or the bed like always. She wants ya'll to cook together- you wanna go to out to eat or order in. She wants to try something new and you- "I don't know babe, that sounds like it's going to be boring!" YOU'RE boring and I'm talking:

watching paint dry while listening to Ice JJ Fish sing opera music BORING!

All that "naggin" she's doing isn't because she actually wants to...it's because she's tryna convey to you why she's upset and why she misses the way things USED to be! You've gotten all comfortable with the idea that you've got her, well, I hope you get comfortable with the idea that another man will have her like you had her...but that's none of my business.

3. Your Insecurities Are To Blame:

You know what's worse than seeing Flavor Flav and Momma Dee on tape having sex?

A man who is too damn insecure! The same way we as men tend to not wanna deal with women who bring too many insecurities into a relationship...is the same way women tend to get tired of men who use their insecurities as a crutch within the relationship. A real woman won't leave you because you're making less than her- she'll leave you because you aren't motivated to do more or want more. You complain about you being short- she doesn't. You've gained some weight- she tells you she'll go to the gym with you if you want but you're reluctant to do so. Your insecurities as a man has the ability to push her away into the arms of another man...but that's none of my business.

4. Relationship Sabotage:

We as men would like to believe that we're these, pitbull like kinda men and we're stone cold when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart but that isn't the case; we're vulnerable. We can play with a chick's heart and mind but the very moment she turns the tables around... 

THIS bitch!

Honestly, some of us are only filling a void and what's worse about that little piece of info is that a female will keep you around till she's done with you. Oh, you thought we were the only ones to do such trickery? Ha! She will cheat and make sure you find all kinds of pieces to the puzzle so YOU can be left with the dreadful decision: should I stay or should I go... 

Women sabotage on a different level of men and cheat far greater as well. Who lets you go thru their phone knowing evidence is all thru it and leaves the room long enough for you to snoop...but that's none of my business.

5. Karma Is A Bitch:

You remember how you f**ked whatsherface and got caught and thought karma wouldn't catch up to ya, well, it did...and karma is the white dude from her job, who always brings her those snacks she likes with beard that smells like lavender and the penis made of gold! I am no longer a fan of "revengeful cheating" only because I did it and it cost me the love of my life but you have to think about this:

why did you cheat in the FIRST place!?

She might act like it's no big deal...ok, I'm lying, she cares, but it's the fact that you didn't tell her and she found out or it's because you told her and your reasoning sucks! A woman will cheat back on you whether it's physically or emotionally and that sh** wil hurt you...

physically AND emotionally...but that's none of my business.

6. What You Won't Do...:

When you don't make her feel beautiful- another man will. It's simple, I know, but when I tell you that women look towards their man to be their biggest motivator and supporter; bruh! F*** all that, "WCW" ah ah ah, social media validation sh*t because your pops ain't have Instagram and guess what? He and your mom worked out just fine! YOU have to tell her she's beautiful! YOU have to let her know that you appreciate her and the things she does for you and the relationship! YOU have to support her when she needs it most! It's either you do it or have a brotha like me taking her out to bowl n'sh*t...but that's none of my business.

7. She Wasn't Sh*t To Begin With:

Some of these women ain't sh**

and we as men are to blame but

the rest that haven't been tainted or hurt...ain't sh**!

Someone women aren't designed to be in relationships because the idea seems, idk, foreign. The funny thing is, we'll do everything in our powers to convince her that we are just the right kinda man to change her mind, and when she obliges...she treats you like a Meg from Family Guy. When you force a relationship upon a woman who enjoys coming and going as she pleases and for whatever reason you feel that you can change that, I'm sorry but you will get hurt and cheated on...but that is my business...

Why?

Because cheating is f***ing awful! Women cheat fellas and we are partly the reason. Maybe her insecurities lead her to "throw her ass in a circle" on ol dude that drives the BMW or maybe it's the fact that you don't pay enough attention to her. Ladies, I love y'all and I always will but what happens when you have a man that spoils you, is loyal, gives you sex so good that you hug his mama extra tight every time you see her even tho you hate her ass? I would like to believe that men are part of the reason to you cheating but I also know that some women entertain another man and will begin to fall for his ass. If the dude you re with is boring, please let his ass know. If the dude you re with penis looks like a 6th grader's pinky and it doesn't satisfy you but you love him, let him know that. Take responsibility and stop allowing outside options and actions dictate how you go about your duties as a woman. If you are that weak, that you can bring yourself to cheat, that you've lost the ability to talk and make things work or just, idk, leave...that isn't my business...it's yours.

*class dismissed*

@renaissance_brotha_

Liar, Liar Weave On Fire

Disclaimer: These don’t apply to ALL females, just some and the ones that I’ve encountered...and then some. So please don't come looking for me and try to give me a piece of your mind or anything like that because I will have a homeless person give YOU, a 2 piece for a 2 piece and a biscuit, word to Yeezy & Kim's unborn child.

For today's class, we will be discussing lies that females tend to tell. Some are small, others, well, they might pretty big, but this piece is meant to serve as form of entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. Now before you read the blog, I need you to take a couple mins to watch the below clip, it will assist in the humor that is attached to this blog: MADTV Vancome Lady (pay attention the her "catch phrase")

*class is in session*

Pretty...Brown Eyes?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I’m almost certain your natural eyes aren’t wolf grey or Green Lantern green, especially since not a damn soul in your family got that color. Wearing contacts are cool and needed if you can't see, I’m sure we all can agree on that, BUT, when you wear colors that are wild crazy…#fail! A friend of mine deceived me once (I won't put you on blast but you know who you are and I'm sure you'll text me a screenshot of this after you're done reading this lol) and it was crazy because she said her eyes were some crazy color (grey or some ish like that and I believed her (smh). Moral of the story: leave that for Halloween…or for the rave parties.

"Is That Yo Hair?!!?" (Missy Elliot voice):
YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): You’re right hun, you paid for it, so it IS your hair. But just because you paid for that pack of Milky Way or those bundles of Nigerian Brazilian, DOES NOT give you the right to lie about it being your hair. I know you're reading this like, "but who really does that?!?" but you would be surprised at just how many females have told me that it was really there and the work that was done to their hair was flawless to the point where you couldn't even tell the difference. Now, my eye for “your hair” vs. “horse hair” has become sharper over the years and I thank the countless number of females who’ve taught me how to distinguish between the 2. It’s not cool to lie about this for a number of reasons:
1) we're having sex and you give me the green light to pull on your hair and it comes off…you now have an angry young black man on your hands! I’m more than likely to toss it back in your face and keep goin or...toss it on the dirty floor.
2) If you spend the night and I wake up before you and you roll over and the hair stays on the pillow…expect a post about you and a damn blog, straight like that.

Babe, I'm Not Mad:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): ...but you ARE mad! I know that, you know that, so there’s no need to lie about this. Usually, women who have been hurt by dudes in their lives, often unintentionally, use this phrase as an emotional defense.
Example: If James forgets his 3 year anniversary, wifey isn’t gonna let it. Instead of admitting that she’s actually quite hurt, she’ll say, “I’m not mad babe” and pat him on the back. LIAR!
She may half-heartedly pretend that she doesn’t care, but she does. In reality, she does care, very much so, but doesn’t want to look too bitchy about it, so she puts up the flimsiest of facades to indicate otherwise.
Now you KNOW, this kinda lie is easy to pick up on because some ladies barely bother to hide their irritation in this situation. As unjust as it may seem, ya’ll want us to read ya’ll minds and learn that, in this case, “Babe, I’m not angry,” actually means, “I really wish a snake would bite yo ass cause that’s how obvious my hate for you right now is.” Just let me know what the deal is…I’m not Miss Cleo, just tossin that out there.

Do I Look Like I Want/Need a Man?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): This is false, although at least it’s told with the best intentions, in order to soften rejection. How often do we hear, “I just got outta a bad relationship and I will kill the next man who breaks my heart!” or “f**k dudes, get money! I’m too focused to have time for some dude.” Truth about it is, if Shae is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. Plain annddd simple! Are you unsure of how to detect if she’s lying: see if she appears to be uncomfortable, can’t look you in the eye, full of excuses…then liar, liar, weave on fire! Let it go. Many more females out there who are willing to be upfront with you than beating around the bush.

My Mac N' Cheese is on POINT:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): Reheating what mommy made in microwaving is NOT cooking. I don’t care how damn good you can make a Hot Pocket or some scrambled eggs, that sh*t ain't cooking! Do it LOOK like I want a Hungry Man dinner? The answer to that is HELL NO! If you can Youtube old music videos and how to braid, you can Youtube how to cook some pasta or how to marinate a steak and cook it with some veggies, just saying.

Tuuh, You See Me Tho! Why I Gotta Hate?!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): You are jealous. Whenever your homegirl wears a new outfit out to the club and all the dudes give her the attention you were expecting to get because you thought those skin tight jeans were gonna get you guys in VIP and the plan fails, it gets ugly…whale sex. “Tanya hoe ass got her ass all out, drinkin up all they Ciroc, thinkin she cute! That’s why her weave is rented.” That right there is hate mama. Whenever the next chick is doin good, some females have the tendency to throw shade, instead of complimenting the next chick. Hatin in the female community is at an all time high, sheesh.

The Only Thing I Put in My Mouth Is FOOD!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I just think you don’t want me to believe that you’re a slut, because I don’t…at least not right off the back. MOST females are nervous about a guy’s reaction when he asks, “so, do you (radio edit)?” and she says, “Yes.” You’re cautious of what to reveal, so when you say no, thinking all will be well and you finally do decide to do it…he’s moaning outwardly but inwardly he’s thinking, “this lyin HEFFA!” There’s no need to lie about this, especially when it’s not that big of a deal. YEAH, as guys we act like 2 dogs who are just meeting each other for the first time when you state you’re a “brain educator”. YEAH, I like ketchup on my damn eggs in the morning with a side of wheat toast topped with fruit and cottage cheese. YEAH, you lying about giving head it’s a big damn deal. But I get why; it’s a personal act that you hold sacred and you want us to believe that you don’t do it to everyone who whips out the turkey neck & dumplings to you (penis & testicles). If I lied about my penis size…I’m almost certain you’d feel some kinda way…so lets just be upfront about things, we’re all adults here, for the most part.

You The Best I Ever Haaad (Drake voice):

YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): Outwardly you’re saying: “I’m the best you ever had, best you ever had” (in your Drake voice) BUT inwardly you’re saying, “cause hon-estly you turned out to be theee..best thing I ne-ver hadddd!" (in your Bey voice). This lie pairs with the one above. When chicks are committed to a dude, they focus on him, often believing, time and time and time again, that he’s “the one.” Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves. Honestly speakin ladies, how many of you done told these guys, “zammnnn zaddy, you put it on me!!” and then ran to the bathroom and called Keisha like “girrlll, I need you to come over here crying like Quan beat you up so this dude can leave…DAMN he was wack!” TONS of you! Here’s the thing (Kevin Hart voice): sex lies, are a dime a dozen. Do these lies sound familiar ladies; “I came with you,” “I’ve slept with 5 guys,” and “yeaa, you made me cum.” Ok, you didn’t cum w/ me cause I came 4 mins ago, you didn’t sleep with 5, it’s more like 9 ½, and I didn’t make you cum, I seen you rollin your eyes as you were sayin that. Honestly, take what she tells you with a grain of salt. You shouldn’t be asking her to rate her sexual experiences, period. It’s tacky my dude, but that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to lie either ladies. Do what I do, if you know she’s lying, laugh and be like…”oh yeah?!?!” (mad sarcastically).

What to take from this:

DO NOT lie! That's that! I mean, I know some guys are thirsty, but just tell him the truth, it's when you lie and we find out...we go in! Yes, some dudes act like women when it comes to hearing the truth, but that doesn't mean you should go left instead of going RIGHT...then you might crash into a tree. Like I've said before: women lie more than men and get away with it because dudes don't have that skill trait that women have, it's like they're built for lying.

Ladies, do you often tell lies to spae his/her feelings? What are some other lies women tell? Let a brotha know!  oh yea, there's a part 2 to this, so stay tuned!

*class dismissed*