Liar, Liar Weave On Fire

Disclaimer: These don’t apply to ALL females, just some and the ones that I’ve encountered...and then some. So please don't come looking for me and try to give me a piece of your mind or anything like that because I will have a homeless person give YOU, a 2 piece for a 2 piece and a biscuit, word to Yeezy & Kim's unborn child.

For today's class, we will be discussing lies that females tend to tell. Some are small, others, well, they might pretty big, but this piece is meant to serve as form of entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. Now before you read the blog, I need you to take a couple mins to watch the below clip, it will assist in the humor that is attached to this blog: MADTV Vancome Lady (pay attention the her "catch phrase")

*class is in session*

Pretty...Brown Eyes?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I’m almost certain your natural eyes aren’t wolf grey or Green Lantern green, especially since not a damn soul in your family got that color. Wearing contacts are cool and needed if you can't see, I’m sure we all can agree on that, BUT, when you wear colors that are wild crazy…#fail! A friend of mine deceived me once (I won't put you on blast but you know who you are and I'm sure you'll text me a screenshot of this after you're done reading this lol) and it was crazy because she said her eyes were some crazy color (grey or some ish like that and I believed her (smh). Moral of the story: leave that for Halloween…or for the rave parties.

"Is That Yo Hair?!!?" (Missy Elliot voice):
YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): You’re right hun, you paid for it, so it IS your hair. But just because you paid for that pack of Milky Way or those bundles of Nigerian Brazilian, DOES NOT give you the right to lie about it being your hair. I know you're reading this like, "but who really does that?!?" but you would be surprised at just how many females have told me that it was really there and the work that was done to their hair was flawless to the point where you couldn't even tell the difference. Now, my eye for “your hair” vs. “horse hair” has become sharper over the years and I thank the countless number of females who’ve taught me how to distinguish between the 2. It’s not cool to lie about this for a number of reasons:
1) we're having sex and you give me the green light to pull on your hair and it comes off…you now have an angry young black man on your hands! I’m more than likely to toss it back in your face and keep goin or...toss it on the dirty floor.
2) If you spend the night and I wake up before you and you roll over and the hair stays on the pillow…expect a post about you and a damn blog, straight like that.

Babe, I'm Not Mad:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): ...but you ARE mad! I know that, you know that, so there’s no need to lie about this. Usually, women who have been hurt by dudes in their lives, often unintentionally, use this phrase as an emotional defense.
Example: If James forgets his 3 year anniversary, wifey isn’t gonna let it. Instead of admitting that she’s actually quite hurt, she’ll say, “I’m not mad babe” and pat him on the back. LIAR!
She may half-heartedly pretend that she doesn’t care, but she does. In reality, she does care, very much so, but doesn’t want to look too bitchy about it, so she puts up the flimsiest of facades to indicate otherwise.
Now you KNOW, this kinda lie is easy to pick up on because some ladies barely bother to hide their irritation in this situation. As unjust as it may seem, ya’ll want us to read ya’ll minds and learn that, in this case, “Babe, I’m not angry,” actually means, “I really wish a snake would bite yo ass cause that’s how obvious my hate for you right now is.” Just let me know what the deal is…I’m not Miss Cleo, just tossin that out there.

Do I Look Like I Want/Need a Man?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): This is false, although at least it’s told with the best intentions, in order to soften rejection. How often do we hear, “I just got outta a bad relationship and I will kill the next man who breaks my heart!” or “f**k dudes, get money! I’m too focused to have time for some dude.” Truth about it is, if Shae is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. Plain annddd simple! Are you unsure of how to detect if she’s lying: see if she appears to be uncomfortable, can’t look you in the eye, full of excuses…then liar, liar, weave on fire! Let it go. Many more females out there who are willing to be upfront with you than beating around the bush.

My Mac N' Cheese is on POINT:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): Reheating what mommy made in microwaving is NOT cooking. I don’t care how damn good you can make a Hot Pocket or some scrambled eggs, that sh*t ain't cooking! Do it LOOK like I want a Hungry Man dinner? The answer to that is HELL NO! If you can Youtube old music videos and how to braid, you can Youtube how to cook some pasta or how to marinate a steak and cook it with some veggies, just saying.

Tuuh, You See Me Tho! Why I Gotta Hate?!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): You are jealous. Whenever your homegirl wears a new outfit out to the club and all the dudes give her the attention you were expecting to get because you thought those skin tight jeans were gonna get you guys in VIP and the plan fails, it gets ugly…whale sex. “Tanya hoe ass got her ass all out, drinkin up all they Ciroc, thinkin she cute! That’s why her weave is rented.” That right there is hate mama. Whenever the next chick is doin good, some females have the tendency to throw shade, instead of complimenting the next chick. Hatin in the female community is at an all time high, sheesh.

The Only Thing I Put in My Mouth Is FOOD!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I just think you don’t want me to believe that you’re a slut, because I don’t…at least not right off the back. MOST females are nervous about a guy’s reaction when he asks, “so, do you (radio edit)?” and she says, “Yes.” You’re cautious of what to reveal, so when you say no, thinking all will be well and you finally do decide to do it…he’s moaning outwardly but inwardly he’s thinking, “this lyin HEFFA!” There’s no need to lie about this, especially when it’s not that big of a deal. YEAH, as guys we act like 2 dogs who are just meeting each other for the first time when you state you’re a “brain educator”. YEAH, I like ketchup on my damn eggs in the morning with a side of wheat toast topped with fruit and cottage cheese. YEAH, you lying about giving head it’s a big damn deal. But I get why; it’s a personal act that you hold sacred and you want us to believe that you don’t do it to everyone who whips out the turkey neck & dumplings to you (penis & testicles). If I lied about my penis size…I’m almost certain you’d feel some kinda way…so lets just be upfront about things, we’re all adults here, for the most part.

You The Best I Ever Haaad (Drake voice):

YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): Outwardly you’re saying: “I’m the best you ever had, best you ever had” (in your Drake voice) BUT inwardly you’re saying, “cause hon-estly you turned out to be theee..best thing I ne-ver hadddd!" (in your Bey voice). This lie pairs with the one above. When chicks are committed to a dude, they focus on him, often believing, time and time and time again, that he’s “the one.” Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves. Honestly speakin ladies, how many of you done told these guys, “zammnnn zaddy, you put it on me!!” and then ran to the bathroom and called Keisha like “girrlll, I need you to come over here crying like Quan beat you up so this dude can leave…DAMN he was wack!” TONS of you! Here’s the thing (Kevin Hart voice): sex lies, are a dime a dozen. Do these lies sound familiar ladies; “I came with you,” “I’ve slept with 5 guys,” and “yeaa, you made me cum.” Ok, you didn’t cum w/ me cause I came 4 mins ago, you didn’t sleep with 5, it’s more like 9 ½, and I didn’t make you cum, I seen you rollin your eyes as you were sayin that. Honestly, take what she tells you with a grain of salt. You shouldn’t be asking her to rate her sexual experiences, period. It’s tacky my dude, but that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to lie either ladies. Do what I do, if you know she’s lying, laugh and be like…”oh yeah?!?!” (mad sarcastically).

What to take from this:

DO NOT lie! That's that! I mean, I know some guys are thirsty, but just tell him the truth, it's when you lie and we find out...we go in! Yes, some dudes act like women when it comes to hearing the truth, but that doesn't mean you should go left instead of going RIGHT...then you might crash into a tree. Like I've said before: women lie more than men and get away with it because dudes don't have that skill trait that women have, it's like they're built for lying.

Ladies, do you often tell lies to spae his/her feelings? What are some other lies women tell? Let a brotha know!  oh yea, there's a part 2 to this, so stay tuned!

*class dismissed*