Petty Pedi Police

This blog is about the importance of getting a pedicure…for women. You may be thinking to yourself, “who the hell is he…the pedi police?” and the answer to that thought is, yes. Yes, I, AM! (Kevin Hart voice). Seriously tho, getting a pedi is serious business and if a guy says it’s not, he’s a liar and we all know how much you ladies de-SPISE lairs! All of what you’re about to read comes from a good place, a loving place, and is not intended to bash women or anybody else’s thoughts and/or opinion on the subject matter. Consider this a PSA and if you don’t know what that means


Pedi Service Announcement

*class is in session*

I rarely blame things on others, but this will solely be blamed on my ex…name isn’t important. I remember when we first started dating and I would always and I mean ALWAYS see her with her nails and toes done. It wasn't a big deal until one day, we were talking and I said, and I quote, “you always get ya damn feet down! NO ONE EVER SEE’S THEM BESIDES ME!” I SWEAR I got the only lecture about the importance of maintaining your feet and yada yada…worst 48 mins of my LIFE! Even though we're broken up, till this day a lot of what was said was true and it stuck with me, so to her...thank you. My opinion tho, getting a pedi is a…wait for it…A MUST! Just like you don’t want a dude with ashy hands rubbing on your skin or with his pants saggin, we as dudes don’t want no hammer-time feet with polish that looks like ya lil sista did it while you were sleep, point-blank-period! I digress...

The “Chippy D” Toe:
…and I’m not talkin about Laurence Fishburne’s daughter. I’m referring to the fact that a female will get her toes done and she might bump something and now the nails look all chipped and what not…not cool. There’s no reason why you should have a fresh pedi, but your nails are all chipped up like an old Nas grill (mouth) or like a now Fabolous grill. How do you solve this problem? Do something about it immediately! Don't wait till someone says something to you because then you'll just look stupid, that simple.Just like you get your eyebrows shaped up or whatever you call it, get them nails trimmed. There's never a need to come into the bed with nails that can slice and dice onions and trim the fat off chicken breast, #ThatsThatIshIDontLike.

The "Half Polished" Toe:
You ever seen the Incredible Hulk movie when somebody has pissed him off and the lovable Bruce Banner turns into the mean, green Hulk? Well, that’s EXACTLY how I feel, whenever I see toes half polished...but only in my head tho. You mean to tell me that you couldn't finish applying the bumble bee yellow to the remainder of you big toe? You mean to tell me you were in THAT much of a rush that you couldn't let them nails of yours dry and now it looks like a kindergartner was finger painting on them?! You mean to tell me, 2/5th’s of your foot is done, but you were too damn lazy to finish the REST but can update ya FB status, tweet, create, edit, and post a Vine video, and like pics AND post on Instagram?!?! Half polished feet + YOU = a half ass person! Yup, I said it.

The "Lil Sista Done" Toe:
Kris: “Oh, I let Bri Bri do my nails Ant, how they look tho?”
Me: "...turnt down, that’s how!!"

I understand you're tryna be nice and let your sister do your nails, but if she has your feet looking like Michael J. Fox tryna sign his signa...never mind, I won’t go there, just don’t let her do it. The moment you put on some gladiators sandals or any kinda open toed shoes with a maxi dress or some short-shorts and expect to NOT be the the object of ridicule, you (hand clap) have (hand clap) lost (hand clap) your (hand clap) mind (hand clap) boo boo. mistaken boo. Here's what you do: after she does them, give her a hug, wait for her to go to sleep, remove the polish, go to Bonita Nailz in the morning and have Daisy do them over. I, other men, Daisy, and even your lil sister will appreciate your toes. Hell, you can even say to her, "Bri Bri, look how good they came out! Girlll, ima let you do my nails all the time!"...a lil white lie, she aint even know it.
So what to take away from this?

Summer is a few days away, so, them lumpy, chipped nails, uneven toe nails, toe nails that are too long, is downright NASTY! N-A-S-T-Y, NASTY! Trust me when I tell you ladies, we as men pay attention and I don’t care HOW fly and pretty you are, we are paying attention to the lil things. If your J-Brand jeans fit nice and them sandals look cute but are occupied by some ugly ass toes, ima let you know the nicest way possible: take yo petty pedi ass to the nail salon and get them worked on. Truthfully, now that the warmer weather is here, I've been getting my pedi on. Why may you ask…because if I go to the beach or even a pool party, I wanna make sure not only my body looks good, but my feet look good as well. Also, how would I look if I didn't practice what I preach! Pedis cost about $15 or slight less or more (plus tip) depending where you go but if times are that hard, you can always do them yourself. Go to CVS, Walgreens, or Rite Aid and get cuticle remover for your weekly touch ups and nail polish and get to painting (I really blame this bit of info on my ex). A woman with a fresh pedicure, will get; shopping sprees, cooked dinner, and tickets to see the Mrs. Carter concert, sex, and more importantly head...women love head (insert wink)

...but not by me of course, but, other dudes who believe in that foolishness.

*class dismissed*

Ladies, I would like to hear from you (fellas as well): what's your position on seeing toes undone? Is getting a pedi important to you? How often do you recommend going?

P.S. my b-day was yesterday (yup, I'm a Gemini) so gifts are still welcomed: twerk videos, cardigans, home cooked meals, ummm, gift cards, twerk videos, and money. Be sure to contact me at brotharena...just joking. 

@Renaissance_Brotha_

I Rather Be Ya N***a...Not Ya Man

If you know me then you know my stance; there's a difference between a n***a and a man. If you're a fan of 2 Pac and his music (like many are) than you will enjoy his song, "Rather Be Ya N****!". Now, before you even read the rest of this blog, take a moment and listen to this
Tupac - Rather Be Ya N****

Done?  Alrighty, I digress...

Pac paints the perfect illustration of what a good portion of women (early 20s - early 30s) go for these days: n***as! And when I say n***as, I mean thugs, d-boys, hustlas, goons, bad boys, etc and etc.
Now in today's class we will be discussing why, he'd rather be ya...n-*-*-*-a!

*class is in session*

I know what you're thinkin, "not me, uh-uh, I don't like them kinda males!" Pssh, child please. Here's the thing: these dudes may not have a bunch of degrees to keep them warm at night, he may not look like Michael Ealy or Idris Elba, hell, he might not even look like Cee-Lo Green, but guess what? He lives by his own rules and could give a damn about what anybody thinks and or says. He's the type of dude to hold his tongue for no one and won't allow any sh*t...kinda like your grandmother. He's the dude who has some book knowledge but has learned more from the streets. Society shuns these types of dudes, but who cares, he's a, "get it by any means" kinda dude and although that may not be EXACTLY what you want, he's typically the type of dude you go for.

Now, a lot of you may think this is crazy but I want you to be honest with yourselfL think about the kinda dudes that YOU like, vs. the kinda that you usually date...don't worry, I'll wait...

...done? Ok, good, let's move on.

A lot of women aren't making the first move because since Adam and Eve, you women have been wanting the guy to be apprehensive and all kinds of sh*t! (yup, I went there). The guy who shows the most interest, usually wins the girl vs the guy that wants the girl to chase him...she ain't about that life playboy (in my Birdman voice). Most pretty boys tend to have a plethora of females, so they know what to say and how to get a girl with no problem. On the flip-side to that tho is, if you're eye f***ing him or even flirting just a lil, he might be slightly apprehensive to approach you and why? Because dudes like that don't do well with rejection. Now a n***a on the other hand has no problem talking to you while you're out with your girls at the mall or having brunch with your sister and bestie and why? Because life has taught him that closed mouths don't get fed and to get ahead, you need to speak up, so, he applies that theory with talking to women. Remember how Loc Dog (Don't Be A Menace In South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood) was at the party tryna holla at that chick? That's EXACTLY how dudes are these days, YOLO (no Drake tho). These are the type of dudes who could give a flying squirrel penis about being rejected. It doesn't matter if she pulls up to the club with her ceiling missing, he's gonna holla. It doesn't matter if he notices she's out with her man and he steps away from her, he's gonna holla. Now sure, that last example is crazy, but it happens a lot. What I'm tryna say is: it doesn't matter if she's a woman with a PH.D or a chick who strips, if he likes what he sees, he's going for it, period, point, blank. These dudes are like DMX, "aaaaaa-yo b****! What's ya name?!" They may not be AS aggressive but you get what I'm saying. They keep the hood chicks happy and turn the good girls bad. This may not be your type but guess what boo boo: he was persistent, showed a lil respect, he was available, and he said some things that you wouldn't normally allow but it made you smile and...females like smiling. In your head, you're like, "ima take this fool number because I don't want him blowing my phone up," and once you get bored and decide to use that number and he picks up or responds back to your text in a timely manner...he wins you over. I know a lot of you "women" are saying, "nope, not me, not never! I need me a sophisticated, ambitious brother." I know all of that SOUNDS good but if a young Bobby Brown (circa "Every Little Step I Take") was to step to you...his ass will cause a tsunami in your Vickys!

Think about this:
Somewhere in the world a pretty young lady is single, but is dealing with two different types of dudes. On one hand she's dealing with Phil: an overachiever with a degree in liberal arts, but goes postal whenever someone misspells his name. Sure, on paper he's a good catch but guess what? In this economy, it's virtually hard to find a job with a degree in liberal arts so...all that anger and frustration he's feeling, he takes it out on you. Do any of these sound familiar:

"Hey babe, can you lend me some money so I can fill up my tank?"

"Ahhh, I'm short on my phone bill this month, let me get some money till pay day."

And when ya'll fighting, what does he do...

"You think I need to stay here? I'm helping you the f*** out! I can be at my mamas!"

SMH, callin you all out your name and lets not even TALK about the sex...

"Bad mon stroke, bad mon stroke...bullet, bullet! (9 mins later) You want some juice babe?"

Yup, sounds like a real good catch to me! Dude can manage a McDonalds but he can't fry chicken, can't give you head but will have his penis danglin in front of your face every other night, he can't make you cum, and has the conversational skills to that of a third grader during test time. Now on the other hand, you have Tone who barely graduated high school, took classes at the local community college but after a few weeks, decided it wasn't for him, "hustles", and has turned his mother's basement into a studio apartment. He makes sure you have money to go shoppin, keeps your hair and nails did, has learned a lil sumthin' sumthin' from his mom in the kitchen, will "beat the p**** uppp" whenever and WHEREver, and will put you in your place when you're wrong. The two of the dudes described are both lacking. Just because Tone is a lil rough around the edges, doesn't mean you should put him on the back burner so quickly. Pac rapped, "I rather be ya n-*-*-*-a/so we can get drunk and smoke weed all day/it don't matter if you lonely baby, you need a thug in ya life/these bustas aint lovin ya right" and also told women to keep their heads up and I'm quite sure if he were alive today, he'd still get a lot of love! Dudes like Tone will grind and hustle and work for what they want and won't think to ask you for anything but dudes like Phil will talk down to you, turn around and ask you to buy him the new Jordans and then go on Instagram or Facebook and brag about how he stay fly...bulls***! Phil is cool with the fact that sooner than later he'll get an entry level position, with mediocre benefits and won't even treat you out to dinner and a movie but will suggest a Netflix night with pizza and Coronas. Dudes like Tone tho, you know how they stay winning? Because their hearts are really made of gold but will be to the aid of his homeboy if called upon and will knock the teeth out of a dude's mouth if he ever disrespects you.

"But, Tone sounds like he's trouble in the long run...why would any RATIONAL woman think about messing with him?" - Steph (student)

You're right, why WOULD any rational woman decide to mess with him...

What seems black and white to you, won't be that way for someone else. Every situation is different, you know, so you have to handle it accordingly. Dudes like Tone can be changed, with time but the bigger question is...how long are you willing to wait around for?

A female will allow a dude who's into the street life to tell them things lil by lil by lil by lil and will be perfectly fine with that, but what about after a year passes, and then another year...you don't even realize it but, that's doing nothin for your relationship. Cops raid your spot, you in court like, "judge, I seriously thought he was a manager at Target! We always had Dove body wash and Glade plug-ins." Boo boo, find (clap hands) out (clap hands) what (clap hands) he (clap hands) does (clap hands) for (clap hands) a (clap hands) living! If you givin up the cookie, he should be givin up info as to what it is that he does for a living. Every woman should have the choice of staying or going in the relationship, and shouldn't have to bare the burden of problems that could've been handled once "I love you" gets said because by then...it's too damn late! Ask questions, evaluate, and then decide if you’re about that life.

If n****s had higher education to go along with street smarts they’d be dangerous! The thing is it’s never too late to educate yourselves and use your brain to succeed in a different avenue of life. Most of my boys who are in the life are smarter than those I went to college with, but how do you translate that to a resume, to a position, to real money? You need someone to drive you. Clearly his parents didn’t do all they could or he wouldn’t be in that life, so he needs other guidance. If you get caught up with a n**** and really see potential to be with this guy, then you have to be the one to knock sense into him because no one else will. You’re not his mother, but all men need to be molded, regardless if they’re a square or hustling. Point to a successful man, you’ll find a strong woman next to him. Regardless of how much we poke our chest out and claim to be the superior sex, males would be lost without female influence. Hoes will spend a n****'s money and bounce when he falls from grace, because she was only in it for the bread. Ratchets will be there in his corner loaning him cash to move another pack so he can get back on his feet, because she wants the power that comes with being with a "trap star". A smart woman that sees potential is going to show tough love, because she wants him to evolve into a better man. He doesn’t need money to re-up, he doesn’t need conjugal visits, or money on the books while he’s locked up, what he needs is to an ultimatum that will make him get his s*** together. If he’s making money, check his ego, show him pictures of how Puffy/Russell Simmons ended up, and tell him to invest the money he has into something legitimate or go back to school. If he falls be there to help him find an alternative way to make money. He’s going to do what he’s going to do, but that decision is going to be harder if you tell him you won’t be around if he continues down that road.

One of my brothers usually goes on these "vacations" aka jail and it always hurts my heart because he's spending so much time away from his son. The last time he got out I told him that if he thought about doing what he always does just to land him back in jail, I'll hustle for him, I'll do jail. I know a lot of you will read that and be like, "oh Ant, you're crazy!" but in all honesty, I would. My brother, is about that life but he's also extremely smart but, things happen and I believe things happen for a reason but I always ask him, "when do you grow up and away from this lifestyle?" I remember Drita from Mob Wives saying, “If I knew what I know now, I would have never even gone on a date with him”. Is this a guy you can marry and raise kids with? Keep that in your mind from the very beginning; even you think it’s not serious. You may think of him as just your "n**** with some good ass penis" or "sponsor," but a n**** who’s treating you right will grow on you especially if he’s showing you that exciting part of life that others can’t. Maybe you can deal with the parole, the other baby mamas, the financial ups and downs, and the rest of the drama that keeps things stressful yet interesting, but can you deal with the struggle of being alone while he’s in a cell? More importantly, should you have to deal with being alone while he’s in a cell? The answer is no. There are thousands upon thousands of women out there who are off the market, keeping that box tight, because they’re waiting for their boos to finish that bid. He’ll finish his bid, go back a year later, and the cycle starts again. I don’t think the answer is to avoid these men all together, because there are a lot of diamonds in the rough that need a good woman to help turn it around. The world is filled with reformed n****s doing it major. At the same time if he’s not willing to change and keeps holding on to this "ima turn these bricks into a mansion babe! We bout to be on!" you have to be strong enough to end it. Don’t wait until he’s out of jail, don’t wait until he finds a place to stay, and don’t give him chance after chance to straighten up because once your threats become hollow you lose all leverage. You'll be waiting around for him to get his life together and guess what?

...it won't happen.

*class dismissed*

@renaissance_brotha

Girl Code

So back in 2011 MTV thought of the great idea to bring the unwritten laws of man to T.V. and since then, this show has been a success! This show ladies and gentlemen...

is Guy Code.

Honestly, I was against the show because to me, how in the hell are you gonna expose some of the great things that bond US, as men, together regardless of race, age, color, creed, religion, or gang affiliation. So when it first started to come on, I watched, not too much impressed, but now, I watch it whenever it's on! And why? Because it's pretty damn accurate for the most part and...it's hilarious! Now the show doesn't explain all things regarding men but it does a pretty good job covering the basic things. In reality, there are certain things we just don’t do to one another (men) unless betrayed first. There's been PLENTY of times where a dude would hit me up and say, "aye bro, ummm, I've been talkin to so&so and we think that blog sh*t you're doin is cool, we f**k wit it but ummm...why you snitchin on us bruh!?" To me, I don't see it as snitchin, I mean, a lot of men snitch on themselves way more but, I digress. Today's class won't be about Guy Code, oh no, today we're gonna dicuss...Girl Code.

No, not the spin off show that MTV is doing of Guy Code...well, yea, it is like that, but just in blog form, and a lil more ratchet and funnier. I've learned over the years that there is no unwritten rule between women, which is why females constantly say, "I don't hang with b****es because they can't be trusted! That's why I hang with men more,"...righ-t! Here's what I've learned over the years: a female will betray another girl to gain favor with a man, how fucked up is that? My good friend tells me this all the time, "you know Ant, you're a good guy, because I don't see HOW you f***in befriend these chicks because on the real...females ain't s***!" You know how guys handle sitautions that are too much for words, they fight. Females on the other hand, are a lot more mean and vicious and won't stop till tears are messing with the makes-up, blood is drawn, and weave is missing. A man will see another man out and they could be beefin over he say-she say and they'll be at the club and they'll either

A) step outside, talk about it and if words don't work,
B) they'll fight

and once they fight, they'l go back to that friendship they had but better. A female could be in the same situation and throw shade the whole night and then two weeks later they'll be dancing to "Doo Doo Brown" together with dudes who are more than likely to follow them around the club the whole night, just as THIRSTY as they wanna be but then next week...won't be messin with each other.

So for those men/women who are uncertain of Girl Code, here you go

*class is in session*

"Girlll, I'm Goin Thru IT!":
Don't ever share your struggle with the next chick, not even ya mama! Ok, I'm joking about your mother, but seriously, don't share your problems with the next chick. “Girlll, let me tell you how bad sh*t is right now: I can't afford this weave, I can't get them heels, I can't keep a man because he don't want nothin to do with me or lil' Javoni. My check came up short and I had to borrow money from that big headed ass n**** A.J. and you know he said yes...but only if I gave him head." I don’t care if you have money issues, health issues, or relationship issues, don’t share your struggle with these chicks. You and Sherri might be cool this month, she may even give you good advice, but one day soon you will be beefing over something stupid and Sherri will tell Nicki n' dem: “You know she be sucking n****s dicks for money when her phone bill due?” or “They found a crabs all in her coochie? It came from fucking all those dirty dudes who be at the club” or “You know her Mother lost her job and be borrowing money from her, bet she on crack again!? Girlll, you know her mama like Keyshia Cole mama now!” Anything you tell your present bestie, know it can be used to slander once she becomes your future enemy. I’ve seen it happen dozens of times.

"Let Me Borrow Money Till Thursday So I Can Fill My Tank Girl":
I don't care if you're White, Black, Asian, Middle Eastern, Latino, or a damn alien...your homegirl will ALWAYS keep a running tab on the money she's lent you. If I pay for my boy to get in the club or buy him dinner, it’s not, “remember you owe me $37.50”that's just that. When a girl does another girl’s hair she’s counting how much grease she used, the oil sheen, and the electricity consumed while that b**** had the blow dryer running. You go out to the club; you can’t get a nigga to buy you that Patron & Pineapples that you need to back ya ass up? “Oh I got you girl” b**** please, best believe your homegirl just added that 9 dollars to her mental note pad. Next time you’re out and its time to pay for something, “ummm, but what about that $103 you owe me tho” The other girl will have no idea how she’s amassed this much debt, she thought her friend was helping her out. And don’t try and get out of paying unless you want to ruin your credit score, it goes Experian, Equifax, TransUnion, and Amber Washington. If you don’t pay up she will go to the sisterhood and ruin your credit with them by saying, “don’t let that b**** hold nuffin girl, she dead ass won't pay you back.” So if you’re on hard times, and need 20 dollars to get in the club, I suggest you make up an excuse as to why you can’t come out. When you put money between two females the friendship will not last.

"Terrance? Yea, His Pipe Game Is Good Girl!":
Females talk about sex, that's a given. I use to think it was cute to be talked about amongst females, "oh Ant, yea girl, he can do some-THANGS with his tongue and girlll, he..." you get the point but these woman today go IN. I once walked into a speaker phone conversation of a girl explaining how some guy’s dick wasn’t that long but it was wide, and how she prefers short thicker ones rather than long skinny ones, I had to walk out of the room because it grossed me out, yet that description stuck with me because it was so traumatizing to hear a girl talk like that. But for a woman it satisfies a curiosity, and plants seeds. If you tell your homegirl how good he is at eating pu$$y or that he went extra and ate your ass, she stores that in her head. You talk about his dick game being the best you’ve had, even the most loyal woman will store that data like a motherf***ing usb drive. You’re sisters, nothing will happen right? #Haaaaa! You told her he made you cum…this girl doesn’t even know what that feels like. Why wouldn’t she want conduct her own test? I’ve had it happen on a few different occasions where the friends of an ex gave me their number. This one girl was my ex’s super best friend, they were like blood sisters. I started talking to her on the phone and I’m like, “so yall don’t hang anymore?” this hoe had the nerve to say, “she was just over here, that’s what reminded me to call you”. I’m a man, I have no obligation to the ex not to f*** her friend, but her friend should have enough respect for her not to go there. I stopped talking to her because I knew what the end result would be between the two of them, but in retrospect I should have smashed and let them deal with it. Don’t kiss and tell.

Three Months:
I know she’s your friend, and you don’t want to end up as “that girl” who picked up the leftovers, but f*** that. If your friend dates a guy for three months or less, you have the right to sign him to a contract. Don’t ask permission because she’ll say, “I was thinking about getting back with him” just to keep you at bay. I suggest giving her a one month period after the breakup to pick up the option on the ex boyfriend. If she doesn’t get back with him in those 30 days or talk about going back to him, then you’re free to do your thing.

"Oooo, Girl, Where You Get That From?":
“That is FLY...where you get that from girl?" I hate hearing that s***. Every time I’m out with one of my homegirls, someone asks her some random question about a bracelet or a blouse. Why do you care? Why would you want to go buy something another girl has? I remember girls used to front back in the day, “I got this from (insert some famous spot)” for some reason when I was younger every girl would lie and say they brought clothes from (insert some famous spot) where in reality they brought it from Aero or Rainbow. Thanks to the internet you can get fly with clothing from Paris, Japan, or even some hand me down shit you found on Craigslist and no biting ass hoe can steal your swag as long as you delete your browser history. Where did you get that? Just say, “Craiglist”.

"Darren, That's My Bro Girl, You Better Keep Him, I Like Him":
A good man is hard to find, so use your three month rule. You know your homegirl has issues, she doesn’t know how to keep a man, and she’ll always go running back to her ex from four years ago. So why not do some pre-gaming of your own? Talk to her current boyfriend, see what he likes, if he’s cool, has a good job. Give him the flirt test to make sure he’s not a cheater. Your homegirl will fill you in on the sex stuff and there you have it, more info than eHarmony could ever give you. Who knows, he may be way more compatible with you than he was with her. By the end of their two month relationship, you can pretend to just find him on Facebook, and then proceed to ask, “so what have you been up to, buddy?”.

Fri-enemy:
You love her, you’ll do anything for her, she’s your motherf***ing girl— I understand. But do me this one favor, in the back of your head; know that any moment she can turn on you. Have you ever seen the Terminator sequels? The T2 has been reprogrammed to be John Connor’s friend and protect him. But Sarah Connor, being the wise woman that she is, warns her son, “He’s still a Machine”. John Connor loves the Terminator, but he has to be prepared for that son of a b**** to go Skynet on him. So while they laugh and say “Hasta La Vista Baby”, John is only seconds away from blowing his f***ing head off. That’s what it’s like to be a girl, you can trust your girlfriend all you want, but as soon as a new girl comes around, a cute guy comes into the picture, or a promotion is up for grabs, she will Terminate your ass using all the information you’ve given her over the years.

So in closing, women all across the world need to establish a set group of laws, so that the friendship can stay intact thru hell and high waters.

*class dismissed*

@renaissnace_brotha

Liar, Liar Weave On Fire

Disclaimer: These don’t apply to ALL females, just some and the ones that I’ve encountered...and then some. So please don't come looking for me and try to give me a piece of your mind or anything like that because I will have a homeless person give YOU, a 2 piece for a 2 piece and a biscuit, word to Yeezy & Kim's unborn child.

For today's class, we will be discussing lies that females tend to tell. Some are small, others, well, they might pretty big, but this piece is meant to serve as form of entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. Now before you read the blog, I need you to take a couple mins to watch the below clip, it will assist in the humor that is attached to this blog: MADTV Vancome Lady (pay attention the her "catch phrase")

*class is in session*

Pretty...Brown Eyes?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I’m almost certain your natural eyes aren’t wolf grey or Green Lantern green, especially since not a damn soul in your family got that color. Wearing contacts are cool and needed if you can't see, I’m sure we all can agree on that, BUT, when you wear colors that are wild crazy…#fail! A friend of mine deceived me once (I won't put you on blast but you know who you are and I'm sure you'll text me a screenshot of this after you're done reading this lol) and it was crazy because she said her eyes were some crazy color (grey or some ish like that and I believed her (smh). Moral of the story: leave that for Halloween…or for the rave parties.

"Is That Yo Hair?!!?" (Missy Elliot voice):
YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): You’re right hun, you paid for it, so it IS your hair. But just because you paid for that pack of Milky Way or those bundles of Nigerian Brazilian, DOES NOT give you the right to lie about it being your hair. I know you're reading this like, "but who really does that?!?" but you would be surprised at just how many females have told me that it was really there and the work that was done to their hair was flawless to the point where you couldn't even tell the difference. Now, my eye for “your hair” vs. “horse hair” has become sharper over the years and I thank the countless number of females who’ve taught me how to distinguish between the 2. It’s not cool to lie about this for a number of reasons:
1) we're having sex and you give me the green light to pull on your hair and it comes off…you now have an angry young black man on your hands! I’m more than likely to toss it back in your face and keep goin or...toss it on the dirty floor.
2) If you spend the night and I wake up before you and you roll over and the hair stays on the pillow…expect a post about you and a damn blog, straight like that.

Babe, I'm Not Mad:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): ...but you ARE mad! I know that, you know that, so there’s no need to lie about this. Usually, women who have been hurt by dudes in their lives, often unintentionally, use this phrase as an emotional defense.
Example: If James forgets his 3 year anniversary, wifey isn’t gonna let it. Instead of admitting that she’s actually quite hurt, she’ll say, “I’m not mad babe” and pat him on the back. LIAR!
She may half-heartedly pretend that she doesn’t care, but she does. In reality, she does care, very much so, but doesn’t want to look too bitchy about it, so she puts up the flimsiest of facades to indicate otherwise.
Now you KNOW, this kinda lie is easy to pick up on because some ladies barely bother to hide their irritation in this situation. As unjust as it may seem, ya’ll want us to read ya’ll minds and learn that, in this case, “Babe, I’m not angry,” actually means, “I really wish a snake would bite yo ass cause that’s how obvious my hate for you right now is.” Just let me know what the deal is…I’m not Miss Cleo, just tossin that out there.

Do I Look Like I Want/Need a Man?:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): This is false, although at least it’s told with the best intentions, in order to soften rejection. How often do we hear, “I just got outta a bad relationship and I will kill the next man who breaks my heart!” or “f**k dudes, get money! I’m too focused to have time for some dude.” Truth about it is, if Shae is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. Plain annddd simple! Are you unsure of how to detect if she’s lying: see if she appears to be uncomfortable, can’t look you in the eye, full of excuses…then liar, liar, weave on fire! Let it go. Many more females out there who are willing to be upfront with you than beating around the bush.

My Mac N' Cheese is on POINT:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): Reheating what mommy made in microwaving is NOT cooking. I don’t care how damn good you can make a Hot Pocket or some scrambled eggs, that sh*t ain't cooking! Do it LOOK like I want a Hungry Man dinner? The answer to that is HELL NO! If you can Youtube old music videos and how to braid, you can Youtube how to cook some pasta or how to marinate a steak and cook it with some veggies, just saying.

Tuuh, You See Me Tho! Why I Gotta Hate?!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): You are jealous. Whenever your homegirl wears a new outfit out to the club and all the dudes give her the attention you were expecting to get because you thought those skin tight jeans were gonna get you guys in VIP and the plan fails, it gets ugly…whale sex. “Tanya hoe ass got her ass all out, drinkin up all they Ciroc, thinkin she cute! That’s why her weave is rented.” That right there is hate mama. Whenever the next chick is doin good, some females have the tendency to throw shade, instead of complimenting the next chick. Hatin in the female community is at an all time high, sheesh.

The Only Thing I Put in My Mouth Is FOOD!:
YOU KNOW WHAT?! (Vancome Lady voice): I just think you don’t want me to believe that you’re a slut, because I don’t…at least not right off the back. MOST females are nervous about a guy’s reaction when he asks, “so, do you (radio edit)?” and she says, “Yes.” You’re cautious of what to reveal, so when you say no, thinking all will be well and you finally do decide to do it…he’s moaning outwardly but inwardly he’s thinking, “this lyin HEFFA!” There’s no need to lie about this, especially when it’s not that big of a deal. YEAH, as guys we act like 2 dogs who are just meeting each other for the first time when you state you’re a “brain educator”. YEAH, I like ketchup on my damn eggs in the morning with a side of wheat toast topped with fruit and cottage cheese. YEAH, you lying about giving head it’s a big damn deal. But I get why; it’s a personal act that you hold sacred and you want us to believe that you don’t do it to everyone who whips out the turkey neck & dumplings to you (penis & testicles). If I lied about my penis size…I’m almost certain you’d feel some kinda way…so lets just be upfront about things, we’re all adults here, for the most part.

You The Best I Ever Haaad (Drake voice):

YOU KNOW WHAT? (Vancome Lady voice): Outwardly you’re saying: “I’m the best you ever had, best you ever had” (in your Drake voice) BUT inwardly you’re saying, “cause hon-estly you turned out to be theee..best thing I ne-ver hadddd!" (in your Bey voice). This lie pairs with the one above. When chicks are committed to a dude, they focus on him, often believing, time and time and time again, that he’s “the one.” Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear, just to make them feel good about themselves. Honestly speakin ladies, how many of you done told these guys, “zammnnn zaddy, you put it on me!!” and then ran to the bathroom and called Keisha like “girrlll, I need you to come over here crying like Quan beat you up so this dude can leave…DAMN he was wack!” TONS of you! Here’s the thing (Kevin Hart voice): sex lies, are a dime a dozen. Do these lies sound familiar ladies; “I came with you,” “I’ve slept with 5 guys,” and “yeaa, you made me cum.” Ok, you didn’t cum w/ me cause I came 4 mins ago, you didn’t sleep with 5, it’s more like 9 ½, and I didn’t make you cum, I seen you rollin your eyes as you were sayin that. Honestly, take what she tells you with a grain of salt. You shouldn’t be asking her to rate her sexual experiences, period. It’s tacky my dude, but that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to lie either ladies. Do what I do, if you know she’s lying, laugh and be like…”oh yeah?!?!” (mad sarcastically).

What to take from this:

DO NOT lie! That's that! I mean, I know some guys are thirsty, but just tell him the truth, it's when you lie and we find out...we go in! Yes, some dudes act like women when it comes to hearing the truth, but that doesn't mean you should go left instead of going RIGHT...then you might crash into a tree. Like I've said before: women lie more than men and get away with it because dudes don't have that skill trait that women have, it's like they're built for lying.

Ladies, do you often tell lies to spae his/her feelings? What are some other lies women tell? Let a brotha know!  oh yea, there's a part 2 to this, so stay tuned!

*class dismissed*

So I Have This Friend: Good Kid, Ratchet City

Friend: "(sigh) I don't know what's wrong with females these days bro!"


Me: "What you mean (lol) you gotta elaborate."Friend: "Ima keep 100: why is it that women claim they want a man who has everything but then they f*** with the complete opposite!? Like, that s*** don't make no sense!"Me: "Oh, I see what you're saying now! So you mean, "bads dudes ain't no good, the good dudes ain't no fun/the ratchet chicks want a smart brotha, & the college girls all want a thug," or nah?"Friend: "(LMAO) Son, you're nuts but exactly my point! They want a good dude but then they don't know what to do when they run into a man like me. So I need you to write about this..."Me: "Check back with me Saturday, I got you."

So I have this friend...good kid, ratchet city...

The title doesn't have much to do with the blog, but, then again, maybe it does, but I will leave that up to you as the reader to interpret.

Meet Josh: handsome, respectful, ambitious, mid 20 something, very educated, diverse, athletic, has a great city job with benefits (NYC resident), own car, social drinker, spiritual, and most importably, he's s-i-n-g-l-e!

If there's one thing I know for certain is this: (some) women don't appreciate a good man when they meet one! And sure, the same can be said about men not appreciating a good woman but that's already a known fact! So my homeboy Josh, hits me up the other day to talk about all that he's been going thru with women and to me, it's nothing new. Why? Because I deal with the same thing as well on a daily basis. Good guys finish last, period-point-blank. Women want men to be this somewhat "mythical creature" and once they run into the man that fills everything on their "list" or a least a good portion of it...they f*** him over for a dude who only fills one thing on that list...#dick. How do you want a man to be honest with you and you're not even truthful about what it is that YOU want? If you want a dude with a 9-5, boo boo, make yourself available for one. If you want Deshawn with the neighborhood good pipe game, boo boo, you go out there and you get himmm. The difference between a n*gga and a man is this: a REAL man will handle his responsibilities despite what anyone has to say about him/to him and will continue to strive for success no matter what life throws his way and a n*gga is usually that dude in the neighborhood (hood) that many label as a "real n*gga" because he's done some sh*t that a Man will second guess, i.e. get a chick pregnant with no intentions of sticking around or bust his gun over sh*t that probably could've been talked about over a Corona, some wings, and lap dances at the local strip club. So what happens? A woman will say, "girl, I'm so tired of these ain't sh*t dudes, like seriously now, this sh*t is getting old! I want a man that will take me for who I am, spoil me with loyalty, finance me, put up with my mood swings, accept my meanness for no reason, stay committed even when I emotionally cheat with other guys, give me the D on a regular, give me head, hell, I want him to eat my a** at LEAST once a month, and I want him to look good and let me have all his passwords!"

and then they go for dudes who

• sell drugs
• verbally abusive and or physically abusive
• f*** them and get head from their friend(s)
• have no goals or ambitions
• listen to Chief Keef (joking because I'm listening to him as we speak)
• lives at home and contributes nothing

and I mean that list can literally go on for forever and a day; like the list of ain't sh*t men. You're saying one thing and but you're going after another...what sense does that really make? NONE! 

Now, if what you read thus far hasn't interested you yet, well, maybe the following will. So you say you're looking for a man right? STOP chasing these ass n*ggas, simple as that! N*ggas nowadays are only good for a few things:

• F*CKIN you
• F*CKIN up your mind
• F*CKIN up your pockets
• and lastly, F*CKIN up your heart

How is it that you want a man to bring "X Y Z" (that can be a variety of things) to the table and

• you have X (you want him to have a job and you have a job)
• you're working towards Y (could be you want him to educated and have a degree or has at least been enrolled in college, but you're looking to get into school)
• and you have NO damn idea of what Z is (could be you want him to have his own place, but you still live at home)

Men get tired of hearing women talk about what a "man is supposed to be like, what a man should be doing yada yada," when in theory, YOU, yourself, DON'T know who you are or what you want! Let's talk about women who are in fact intimated by a good man; the fact that chase them away to chase after the dudes who won't even chase THEM to begin with. It's pathetic to say the least. "But there are no good guys, they're either dead or in jail or taken or gay!" That kinda statement is straight up and down foolery! If you're constantly saying that men aren't sh*t...well guess what honey boo boo child, maybe (hand clap) its (hand clap) you (hand clap) who (hand clap) ain't (hand clap) sh*t (hand clap). You're the common denominator in that equation, not the guy and why? Because you're attracting them to YOU! Of course this isn't for all women because how skewed and narrow and closed minded would that be, but this piece is for those women who ignore a good man when they're on their knees at night praying for "Mr. Right" to come into their lives and mend their broken hearts. If you value honesty, be honest with what you want. If you want consistency, be consistent with your feelings and emotions. If you value time, don't waste time telling yourself you want things  to be of a particular way, and turning around and wasting the time of a man that could love and honor someone who is deserving of all that he has to offer. The same goes for men as well. 

My advice to you Josh: continue working hard and bettering yourself as a M-A-N and progressing not only mentally but spiritually as well. Relationships don't come about from you praying to your higher power to bless you with a soulmate-no-it happens by going out and enjoying life. Luck is how it happens, regardless of what eHarmony tries to shove down your throat or any false prophet tries to tell you. Be yourself and the right woman will come into your life when the time is right. Make sure you bring to the table whatever it is you require from her. Make sure your standards are rational, reasonable, and respectful; rational-your expectations are clear and concise, reasonable-nothing that you require is farfetched, and lastly, respectful-your partner has an understanding of the type of person you are and will be able to gain a better understanding of who you are through communication throughout the course of courting (dating for you young folk). We all know that men decide relationships, so, with that being said make sure you follow this guideline:

Make sure you know the DIRECTION in which you want the friendship to go in because grey areas will lead to problems down the road. Make sure you have an UNDERSTANDING of who you are before you venture into anything and once that's set, you move forward into a relationship. Once in that relationship, make sure your TRUST issues from the past are dealt with or...you'll have to deal with them AND new ones in your present AND future. Also, keep the lines of COMMUNICATION open because like the old saying goes, "communication is key!" And lastly...make sure that you are HONEST at all times about your intentions, your feelings, and more importantly, who, you, ARE! You take all of that and the two of you will be able to go D-U-T-C-H...half on a friendship and them a relationship.

D(irection) - U(nderstanding) - T(rust) - C(ommunication) - H(onest) = to go half on a partnership, whether it be a friendship, or a friendship that leads into a relationship.

Ladies, do better.

@renaissance_brotha

Snoop...No Doggy Dog

I'm not a huge fan of people who snoop, let me just say that first and foremost. My thing is, if you go looking for something hard enough, you're either:

A) not gonna find what you were looking for so that will leave you feeling some type of way.

or

B) you WILL find it and once you find what it is that you're looking for...9/10 you're NOT gonna be too pleased with your findings.

Nowadays, it seems like both men AND women wanna play the role of Inspector Gadget or his niece Penny...have a seat. Leave that, "investigation" BS to the real life detectives and law enforcement agents and people of that nature and worry more about the pressing issues that's going on in your relationship. You know what grinds my gears the most? The people who go snoopin, who DON'T know what it is that they're looking for and who lack the ability to trust. Now on the FLIP side to that, I understand why many play the role of detective...motherf***as lie so much! Lying is at an all-time high! Its to the point that a person lies so much that they aren't even deserving of your trust! Any person lie to your face, how you respect'em? Don't worry, I'll wait...

Oh

But I digress...

Today's class we will discuss, "snoop troopers" better known as snoopers.

*class is in session*

Snooping has been around for centuries! Back in the day, cave women would travel by foot to see if their husband was at work like he said he would be and then travel BACK home by foot and made sure that the house was clean and that dinner was done by the time he got home. Nowadays...that's not the case, hell, you'll be lucky if you get Chinese take out after your girl finds that a condom is missing from your drawer. Guys always wonder why a woman will go through emails, texts, call logs, wall post on Facebook, your inbox on Facebook, see who you're retweeting, old comments on Instagram, pockets, and even your drawers where you keep condoms and your underwear. To me, there's a difference between being a snooper and a person who is insecure with no real given suspicion nor rational motives.

"But if you in a relationship right and you have snooped, like myself..." (young lady in the far left corner)

If you my dear, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, are in a committed relationship and you have to snoop...there's no REASON for you to be in that relationship. Sure, you might get that gut feeling telling you to go through his stuff and that's cool because that shows that you care enough about your sanity but in the same light, no one wants to be the crazy one and there is NO woman walking this Earth that wants to be made out to be the "crazy GF,"just as simple as that. Not all those who snoop are crazy or insecure, let me just state that now. When you know/feel there is a reason behind your suspicion which isn't based off of insecurities, you go through with your search.

You know why people snoop? Because they know deep down inside they aren't crazy. And no, I don't mean crazy like; letting your man rip that dress you had planned on returning to the store the next day because ya'll were in the heat of the moment or crazy like letting some dude step on those new sneakers and he look back at you and you don't say anything to him when he CLEARLY knows what he did...I'm talking bat sh*t crazy. Don't lie all the damn time and then expect someone not to go through your sh*t to find the truth, sh*t, that's like dropping money, getting in your car, driving off, and then you realize that it's gone once you get home, but you expected that person to chase after your car to return it...ain't nobody got time fo dat! Many of us like to make our partners out to be the crazy ones because we think that they're naive or oblivious to our weird ass behavior but guess what, we aren't. I for one am not about that, "making you out to be the crazy one" in the relationship because I fear I might get stabbed and if I get stabbed that means I have to go to the hospital, and if I gotta go to the hospital, that means I have to wear that gown with the ass all out and 9/10 I put it on wrong and don't realize it so that means my penis will be out and some nurse...well, you get where I'm going with this. If someone has been with you for years, why wouldn’t you expect for them to notice certain behavioral changes. Snooping is a result of not keeping it 100 with your significant other, period, point, blank!

The number one problem with women is that they snoop without having any ultimatum for their cheating partner. "I knew his ass was no good, I KNEW IT, UGHH!! Glad I caught his dumb ass!" But if you don’t have a consequence such as leaving or an ultimatum, then you’re simply wasting your precious time by snooping because nothing will change. A female will put herself through all kinds of hurt knowing good and damn well she ain't going nowhere! He already know you’re not going to leave, so what does he do,

"Yea...uh-huh, I hear you babe...you right...I'm sorry...Ima do better not just for you, but for US because at the end of the day, at the top, it's just us *pulls forward and kisses*" and then, minutes later, "Go deeper babe, yasssss...I'm bout to cum!!" and you settle for the same BS.

I know I've joked a lot but this is a serious matter but know this: if a woman wants to find out any kinda info, she will do a better search than the damn FBI and CIA, trust! You know why Obama is such a great president, because he caught Bin Laddy (joking of course). Bush wasn't that smart so, once Obama got into office, he was like, "I wonder how ima find this n**** without sending troops over there and getting them possibly killed?!" So, he sent a Twerk Team and if you aren't familiar with what a "twerk team" is I suggest you YouTube "twerk team" to get that answer. Anywho, long story short: he filled them in on what they needed to do, gave them a lil bit of money so they could get some outfits, gave them ample time to practice their routine, flew them to his hideout and BAM...the rest is history. So that whole story about the guys with the guns finding out his whereabouts, that sh*t is false, Obama sent a team of young women over there and why...because women know how to find sh*t, plain and simple. Now, of course I'm joking but seriously, there's never a need to hide anything from your partner and I truthfully mean that. What's done in the dark will eventually come to the light, period.

*class dismissed*

@renaissance_brotha

So I Have This Friend: Messy Mara

Ex: "Hey big head, I wanted to ask your advice on somethin but you have to promise to not judge me, ok?"
Me: "Go for it."
Ex: "Alright, so I've been dealing with this guy for ab..."
Me: "Not the Jamaican dude who drive the Nissan I hope!"
Ex: "No, would you just listen and shut up! This dude I work with. We've been havin sex Ant and its great and all but when I try to ask him about using a condom, its like he KNOW'S I'm about to ask so he'll bring somethin else up. I mean, I've asked him once via text and he said he would but...it just never happened."
Me: "So don't have sex with him, un-TILL..."
Ex: "It's not that easy! He slides inside of me and..."
Me: "And I don't wanna hear the rest, thanks!"
Ex: "(laughs) Sorry, but also, I like this other dude who's in my Childhood Development class in grad school and I don't know how to talk to him without sounding like a hoe, you know. Like, how can I get his attention without eye f***ing all the damn time?! What should I do? Also, do guys look at chicks and say "oh that b**** is bad! Ima go raw in her!" I mean, with us, we did but that's because you had a pocket full of them. I also wanna know why some dudes just don't like using them to begin with!?! Like, y'all not afraid of STDs and what not!?!"
Me: "I am!"
Ex: "Well, answer those and get back to me...make that sh*t into a blog like you do with everything else. Love you big head!"

So I Have This Friend: Messy Mara

Not many men can honestly say that they are cool with any of their ex GFs on a level where the two of them can have conversations for hours without arguing about the past, I'm lucky so to say I'm cool with a couple of mines.

But I digress...

Alright Mara, so your first question was: "how do you talk to a guy without really sounding like hoe?"

Well, because most men are gonna be afraid, or "intimidated" to step to you, the best thing to do since you guys have a class together is to talk to him about something that pertains to the class. Once you've put yourself out there, you will know if he's interested or not, why? Because any guy that's interested will want to continue the conversation then and thereafter. Keep this in mind as well: if you've given him your number and told him that you wouldn't mind if you guys talked on a regular and he doesn't use it...that's a clear indicator that he is NOT that interested in you. Pay attention to his body language as well, he might not say a whole lot, but his body language will usually speak more than him verbally. You mentioned eye contact-yes-eye contact works as long as you don't look like a damn creep doing it! There's a difference between "flirty" eyes and "Kobe Bryant death stare" eyes. Proper eye contact and good conversation is the best way to gauge to see if he's interested.

The next thing you want to know was: "do guys look at certain types of females and determine they're not gonna use a condom with them yada yada?"

Truthfully speaking; a guy should use a condom the first time the two of you guys have sex and thereafter UNTIL you've made it official and have gotten tested if not together then separately and those results SHOULD be shared, honestly speaking. A guy using a condom should be manadtory like him brushing his teeth in the morning and washing his nuts at night! As far as you know, he's a hoe until you really get to know him better which takes a few months (6 or more). My thing is, never assume and always keep your own condoms with you, THIS way, there's no grey area about the topic when it comes up. On the flip side tho...sh*t happens. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, a female/male looks so appealing that using a condom enters your mind and leaves just as fast once the two of you are naked and kissing and touching and rubbing and...ok you get my point. That night of passion and bad decisions usually ends up becoming a morning of regret and awkwardness. Here's what I've learned: the more and more and MORE two people talk, the more they will become opposed to using a condom. If I'm wrong, ask your homegirls and see what they say. What starts off as, "damn babe, just let me slip the tip in," turns into, "WOOO, that was somethin else...you wanna order pizza?" All in all though, just strap up, simple as that.

Lastly, to answer your next question: condoms, for some, just get in the way and by using one, you lose all the feeling. I've slipped up, I won't lie but there's no reason why any man walking this Earth should be a habitual "non-rubber-brotha". Those who don't like using condoms, obviously don't like their life altogether! Trojan's Ecstasy brand is probably one of the BEST condoms on the market! If he wants to enjoy the feeling of "not having anything on," I say get him that. Now of course it doesn't compare to the actual "real deal" but it'll be worth it in the long run. If he says, "condom? I ain't got time for that!" then you should rebuttal with, "sex!? With you? I ain't got time for that!" It's your vagina at the end of the day and if he doesn't respect it, 7/10 he won't respect you.

Now in closing, I hope this was helpful for you and if have anymore questions, comments, and it concerns...hit me up.

@renaissance_brotha.