So I Have This Friend...Who Cums Quick

I usually get women who hit me up about men who ejaculate too quick during sex but when a dude KiK'd awhile back (a private messenger app)

...I was taken aback just a lil,

Trevor: "Hey brush, umm, my girl Diane said you give good advice?"
Me: "Oh...you mean @TastiiieCakes?"
Trevor: "Yea, that's all me bruh"
Me: "Oh ok, yea yea, I'm good I guess, I don't toot my own honor"
Trevor: 'Lol, yea man I feel you bruh, too many dudes be cocky about junk ya feel me, you a modest dude from what I hear"
Me: "My head big already, so I can't be out here making it bigger. What can I help you with champ"
Trevor: "Alright, I love my girl, but, I have this issue...and I know I don't know you and I hope if you decide to use this in a blog bruh you respect me and not use my name"
Me: "You have my word"
Trevor: "I cum quick bruh n that sh*t be too *motherf***in good bruh I can't help but to do it. I cheated on her, to see if it was her, and the 4 other girls I f***ed bruh...it happened mad times bruh!"
Me: "Wait wait, 4????"
Trevor: "4 bruh. I pill'em bruh! I just don't know what to do bruh. Doc said i'm fine brush but idk, maybe you know something I don't brush you look like a Urkel kinda dude like no offense bruh"
Me: "I hear it all the time. But I'll make a blog because a lot of females hit me up"
Trevor: "fa who brush brush you 100 in my book, just don't put me or wifey name in it bruh and make that sh*t funny bruh"

So I Have This Friend...who cums quick

Over the years, many women have reached out to me to voice their complaints about men....who can't keep it up long enough for them to enjoy sex more than 10 minutes because they ejaculate too quick. Now, this might be surprising to some, but, it's a reality for many. You know how hard it is for a man to NOT slide in it and feel that warmth, that wetness, to feel that special bond between vagina and penis, that tightness and not wanna bust off quick? Sh*t is enough to make a brotha go crayyyy-zay (Old Dirty Bastard voice)! Myself...I know what its like to, you know, be in some p**** that's so damn good that when you think you're about to give her that NBA type d***...you come up short like high school JV players against the Varsity team.

I know some of you ladies will say, "well, I know my stuff is GOOD, so if he cum too quick, that's ok, I understand,"

b****, no you don't.

The moment it happens more than twice, you're on the phone with one of your girls and you're singing like Alicia Keys about his short cummings (pun all the way intended). Maybe you do have the holy grail of vagina or maybe it's because he hasn't gotten any in a long time or maybe he really does have a medical issue but whatever the case is; ain't nobody got time for that!

I'm joking,

but Trevor-Trev, here are a few ways you can prevent yourself from "shooting up the playground too quick"

1) tell her ass to get on t-t-t-top:

What's sexier than seeing her ride?

A BACON SANDWICH WITH SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES SWISS CHEESE AND KETCHUP!

Okay, I'm joking...slightly...but nothing is quite sexier than a woman who will straddle you from dusk to dawn! I like when a woman rides, why?
-she gets to feel all of this D!
-I get to play with her breast...while she feels all of this D!
-I get to see her eyes roll to the back of her head (ROLL'EM *Kevin Hart voice*)
-lastly...when I don't want her to ride anymore, I can just tell her to crawl up and put that p**** on my face- BOOM!

Naw, if I know I'm finna nut in the missionary position, I just act like I'm being aggressive and tell her some sh** like, "get on top...and ride daddy dick!" It's about control and when you give her control...boooy, she'll think she's Queen Elizabeth or...

Hustle & Flow her ass

You let her ride you and more times than none, she'll cum, hell, talk dirty to her while she's on top, play with her clit even! You do this because when she cums, you can cum right after, "baby I'm cumin too!!!"

*and they both came, happily, ever after*

2) grandma fist pumpin naked with heels on:
An ugly image right? Exactly! Wanna hold that nut in just a lil bit longer: think of random sh*t! This one time, I swear to you, the moment I went inside...I had to back out and look at her like,

WTF!!!

Haha, ya'll might be laughing but dead-ass, this was me! Sometimes we as men underestimate just how good the vagina just might be, so, we go in like, "yeaaaa, I'm bout to put in that work," and 5 minutes later its like, "...so you want water? I got water." You have to think of different sh*t to keep your mind off of what is going on! I say, listen to your iPod...actually, don't listen to me because I did that and she got hers off and till this day I haven't seen her since...I mean, she said it was good...but that was many moons ago. Fellas: get your mind OUT of the vagina, focus, so you can stay IN, the vagina. Puppies, old folks, that homeless couple that always ask you for money, the annoying fat guy at work that always ask you annoying ass questions, your uncle who thinks all the girls you bring to the family BBQs like him, but don't, or...think dead people...that always helps.

3) you dip'it then you flip:
Another great technique? Take it out and flip it gently on her clit! Not only will this buy you some time but it will also please her as well. When you're having sex (oral or intercourse), focusing on the clit is ideal!!! When you're giving her oral, you focus on the clit. When you're hittin it from the back, reach around and rub on the clit. Take it out and just start playing with it right on her vagina. Sh** is sexy to her, I mean, no one wants you to tease them, but, this will buy you some much needed time like I said. You catch your breath, hell, rub on her clit with your fingers just a lil, dip them in her, taste it, all that freak sh**, and then you just slide back in...slowly. You go from about to climax, to heightening hers in a matter of mins, but, if this doesn't work...

*** 4) eat itttt (eat it) eat itttt (eat it)/think you bout to nut, just eatttt it:
And this my friend, is how I got great...at oral pleasure! Joking...eating pudding and cupped snacks is. The moment you think you're about to nut, I don't care if she's screaming, "don't stop...ooh, baby, ohh, baby!" yo ass better stop what you're doing and go downtown and enjoy her! Yes, I advocate for, "if he's about to cum too quick, give a lil head to slow down that climax," head. You kidding me? If you're a woman who doesn't enjoy gettin the d*** and then gettin head in-between, then you haven't had sex with me the right guy yet. Sure, I know being at the height of your orgasm and then having it taken away from you is beyond annoying...but for head? I think of it like a fast break in basketball: sure, D. Wade (Miami Heat player) can just do a spin move or crossover the defender and slam it home but he knows that LeBron's ass (Miami Heat player) is RIGHT behind him, so, he's gonna double check and see exactly where he is and then alley-oop it to him; win-win for the whole team.

If you're wondering about the analogy, here's the breakdown:

D. Wade is your penis Trev, you figure, cumin too quick would just be selfish (scoring off of the fast break), so, you wanna give the assist to your homie LeBron (your tongue) so he can shine too!

Moral of the story here: if you think you're about to nut too fast, eat her ass...I mean vagina, eat her vagina.

5) meditate x yoga x exercise more:
You might laugh but doctors will suggest this because of the health benefits associated with all three. Mediate, and you are at peace with the world. In terms of sex? You're refocusing your attention elsewhere so you not releasing yourself all inside of her just yet. Yoga is good for the body and blood circulation. In terms of sex? You learn some positions and you end up putting her ass to SLEEP! Exercising is just all around great for you as you may already know. In terms of sex? You discipline yourself, get some strength, and pick her ass up and do it like Mimi and Nikko...in the shower...cause the rest of that sex tape was wiggdty-wack!

and all this sh*t don't work:

JUST (claps hands) CUM (claps hands, claps hands)

There's no sense in stressing your body out in trying to keep that in, so, just let it out. I hope this has helped you more than it has made you laugh because if it's actually a serious problem, you really need to revisit a doctor and see what's up. Some women will tell you that if she loves you, sex isn't a factor...bull AND sh**; no woman will stay with a guy who can't treat the p**** better than Kanye West takes care of Kanye West! No woman wants...

"a quick, pumper"

I know how it gets tho...you're f***ing and it's just so good, you pleasing her and she's loving it...but in the back of your mind, you're trying hard NOT to nut too quick...so your nut, turns into a Trey Songz song,

"I don't wanna leeeeeeave, but I gotta go right nooooow/I'll be back (up) befooooore, you know it"

or whatever he was crying about.

@Renaissance_Brotha_

Make It Nasty

*Warning: the following content is intended for MATURE audiences only*

*Viewers discretion is advised* 

It's almost 2014 and men are STILL acting like pleasuring a woman down below is the equivalent to catching cooties! Fellas, I understand you don't want to be clowned by your homeboys but what you really don't want is one OF your homeboys doing some sh*t you ain't have the time for: e.g. eating your woman out. If you think, RIGHT NOW, some dude on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, ain't pressuring your woman, to let him come over or vice versa, so he can watch Redbox movies eat your woman's vagina...you are sadly mistaken.

Maybe it's because you still ain't learn from Eat One, Teach One, pt. 1 or maybe it's because you're stuck on stupid or maybe it's because you're more concerned with your NBA/NFL fantasy team, to even bother with going down town and sending your woman to work happier than a kid on Christmas! Whatever your rationale is, I assure you, THIS piece right here, will help you out come sex time...period.

*class is in session*

The idea of part 2 is to make sure you as man, do everything in your powers, to insure a night/morning/afternoon of pure bliss...

and just be a down right freak!!!

Listen, if you're a family member or anything else along those lines...cut your loses now, stop reading, and get ready for Scandal

...because I'm bout to say some sh*t, that'll f*** your perception of me.

Eat It From The Back:

A lot of men are afraid to eat it from the back because the anus is pretty much RIGHT, THERE! Listen, if you're an adult, you should KNOW where that hole is; so don't get behind her and lick all crazy or 8/10 your tongue WILL enter that hole. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't like her p**** ate from the back! Here's what you do fellas: have her come over to you and say some sh*t like, "damn babe, your butt looks bigger (smaller), what you been doing?". This will prompt her to turn around and have her ass in your face. Now, unless she's on her period, I say, just do some sneak sh*t like, idk, start pulling down her- whatever she's wearing and start kissing her ass...men like kissing ass. Bend her over, gently, and if she's wearing panties, pull them suckas to the side, if not, just stick your tongue in, slowwwly. The spontaneity mixed with the pleasure will not only have have her wet, but, cummin' like crazy! Tell her to look back at you while you're eating it...women love lookin' back at it. Your goal is to make sure your sucking on those lips and licking that clit, like it's a cup or pudding or jell-o or whatever it is, that you like.

Let Her Ride Your Face:

This is my personal favorite, why? Because there's nothing like a woman who THINKS she's in control when in reality...she isn't. Some men don't like this sh*t but will two-step they ass out the shower and Electric Slide their penis, into the mouth of their sleeping partner. Aside from rocking a beard; a woman's vagina is one of the sexiest things a man could have on his face. Y'all chillen', layin' around and she get that "itch", don't go down to her, tell her to come up to you! Whisper in her ear, "bae, put that p****, on my face! (Kevin Hart voice)". You know how quick she'll hop on your face? The goal is to make sure she's relaxed, why? Because if she's stiff, her weight will f*** things up and if you thought Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown ass ain't no know how to breathe with no air...yo ass will surely soon find out! Take your time tho. Grab her ass, palm it, smack it, grab her breast, hell, rub your fingers over her wetness, dip'em in your mouth, and play with her nipples, while grabbing on her ass, while eating her out, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! Your goal is to make her cum so you can slurp all them juices out and if that don't work...

Use a Toy:

Some of you dudes will read this and think, "yo that's gay!". Everything ain't for everybody, I understand that. I also understand that, sometimes, you gotta do a lil' extra and be willing to spice sh*t up. You know how that white guy was looking for something to make his "party pop off" in that Beats Blue Pill commercial? Same applies to sex: use one of her toys (or suggest that she buy one), so that y'all "party" pops off! You can use a dildo, rabbit, or a vibrator to help assist you eat the p****, pick your poison. I'm not telling you to use this as a crutch nor am I suggesting you use one on every girl your encounter (unless they all happen to like that s***) nor am I suggesting that YOU BUY ONE but if you have a long time GF or you're married, I say: fu** it, throw ambition to the wind and get it poppin! If you use a vibrator for instance: allow the vibrator to stimulate her clit, while your tongue, works her insides. A dildo can be used to penetrate her WHILE you work on her clit. Lastly, a rabbit...a rabbit usually has dual capabilities, so, the two of you (toy and tongue) can switch off periodically. Hell, you can even let her suck on the dildo, if you want or "toss her salad" and let the dildo penetrate her vagina and speaking of "tossin her salad"...

Lamborghini Her Doors:

You know how the doors go up on a Lamborghini, that's how her legs should go up when you're tossing her salad. I know y'all like, "whaaatttt!?!?" but let me tell you:

she (claps hands) will (claps hands) go (claps hands) f***in (claps hands) crazy (claps hands) when you stick (claps hands) your (claps hands) tongue (claps hands) in her ass!

It's not for everybody, I understand that. Some women enjoy it, not all the time...but they enjoy it. Before you even consider doing it men:

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS CLEAN!

(same goes for the kitty cat)

I'm not an ass eating specialist but I know if you start eating her out and wet your index finger up and slide it in her "tunnel of love" and then roll your tongue upwards and then use two other fingers to pleasure her...s**t will get real!

Get on Your Knees:

"You got a job, you got degrees/but so wat playa, get on yo kneeeess!" (In my Khia voice...you know, the chick from "My Neck, My Back").

Ima keep it alll the way real on this one: when you're on your knees and she's just looking at you, look her dead in the eye and keep doing what you're doing! Women love to have a submissive (and aggressive) guy when it comes down to sex. The submissiveness comes from you being on your knees, giving her all your attention. The aggressiveness comes from when your eating her and talking sh*t to her at the same time,

"You like that shit right?!"

"Hold dem legs, HOLD DEM LEGS!"

"Put ya hand on the back of my head!"

"Push me deeper in that s***!"

You know, shit like that. Women like when you take charge fellas. The goal is to make her cum to the point where her legs shake and she's just cursing you out,

"You ain't shit, you know that!! I was suppose to go out to the club!"

Oh no b****, you ain't goin nowhere!

Not all men are into eating p**** but to the ones who are; I salute you! Now that I think about it, some of you dudes need to read this one and part 1 because you might THINK you're doing something...but you're not. If you expect a woman to put her mouth...on and or around your penis, you should most definitely, put your tongue and lips...in and or around her vagina. The key is to keep her thinking, "is he going suck for x amount mins? Is he gonna lick my clit in circles or up and down?". Keep her on her toes! Use them fingers and spread them lips apart while you let her suck on your other fingers. Suck on her clit, but not too hard. Mix up your licking speeds. Nibble on her clit as well, but make sure you don't Vampire Diaries/True Blood her p****! Make, love, to, her, vagina, fellas; she'll appreciate it, as well as her vagina. Pin her ass on the bed and put her legs back and start from her naval and work your way down...

Never mind.

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend: Whose Sex is Wack!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from friend:
"Yo Ant, this bi*** @geminisweet p**** is wack! It smelled like 22 Africans in leather suits b! It's like, she dead came and then got up and showered and left, like, are you serious! I almost blacked on her! If I didn't have to study for MCATs I would've blacked b! Why these b****es think they can get theirs and bounce like that? Why was she so stiff?!?! I don't wanna waste your time but I want you to make a blog about this b, like, that's ya homegirl and I blame you for tellin me to f***. I wasted my night and I coulda been in Mel b, like, I curved Mel for this b****! Make a blog about her sex being wack or something because I'm not f***in these b****es no more man, it got me aggy!

Dilla"

Women think that they're the only ones who experience bad sex but guess again ladies, you're not. For the past few months, swarms of guys have been hitting me up asking me to make a post or blog about women and their lackluster sex, so, here we are. Now, in no way, shape or form am I degrading women in any way, nor do I want this to come across as sexist, but ladies...sometimes your sex ain't on point. I've experienced some bad sex partners in my day, fortunately not a crazy amount because I'm not out here giving the d*** away like Rondo dishing the ball but the ones that I have experienced...*phew*! I figured I'd put together a list of complaints I've gotten and also share some of my insight for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, I present to you:

So I Have This Friend...whose sex is wack!

*class is in session*

Spider-Man:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can say, "yea, yea, just make sure you give me all that d***!" and then

10 minutes later...

"baby...babe...wait, wait, hol'up, hol'up!"

Oh, so you Big Sean now? Men don't like women who run from the d*** just like women don't like men who can't keep their d*** up! You wanna be a runner? Apply at Applebee's or Friday's. I'm suckin' and lickin' on that clit, don't stop me. I got your legs on my shoulders, hittin' that spot, don't put your clammy ass hands on my chest to push me away. I got ya face down, ass up, hands grippin' ya waist, don't scoot away. If it hurts, say so, if not, let me pin you down and enjoy it because all that movin' n'sh*t like lil' boys do in the barber chair... #AintNobodyGotTimeFoDat
Tip: If its feelin' good to you, let it be so you can cum and speaking of cummin'...

tap-out:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can even fix her lips and say some sh*t like, "I'm bout to cum, YES...*wooo*...I'm done (insert smiley face)." Done? B***h, you done making that box macaroni and cheese you make every Tuesday? Or are you done leaving hair in the shower because I'm confused. I know loads of men are guilty of the same behavior but all it takes is a 5 minute blow job and 10 minutes of penetration and we're good; women on the other hand require a lot more time and effort. No man wants to hear, "yea, yea, yea just make sure you ain't stingy with the d***!" and then she's stingy with the p****, WTFeezy!? Just because yo ol' selfish ass is finished don't mean I'm done! You better make that mouth work or them hands work because I counted two orgasms for you and 0 for me and I better nut before I turn into the Incredible Hulk over here.

Oh, you thought I was a "1-minute man" ha. You thought I was gonna get a taste of dat p****, bust a nut n'go to bed ha. You thought I was like Tyrone ha; you thought them backshots was gon' take me out my zone ha. Well baby girl see you wrong ha. You came a few times, now you surprised I last long ha...

I digress,

Tip: You may have laughed at that musical break but seriously: don't just leave him hangin', finish what you start.

doorknob stiff:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how you can post videos of you "twerkin dat ass" for Vine or Instagram but when it comes to sex...you're like a fish outta water! Maybe it's me, may-be-it's-ME, but how you gon' climb yo ass in the bed and then don't climb on the d*** to ride!? You better put some movement on dat d***! (Pops from Friday voice). I'm not saying you have to go ape s*** on the d***, but hell, if you moving like Sara from Save The Last Dance when Derrick taught her how to dance when we out at the club, don't be as stiff as President Obama when he was on Ellen (Obama Dancing) when we f***, plain and simple.
Tip: Don't let me be the only one putting in some action! If we're in doggystyle position, throw that ass back! If you're on top ridin', get on your tippy-toes and bounce!

The Nicki Minaj-er:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how after only TWO damn strokes...you screaming like a damn exorcist is being performed! Can I get to stroke 17 before you start reciting sexual scriptures!? Oh, so you want a Tony Award for your performance? Or, or maybe you thought you were gonna get an Oscar? Keep the Nicki Minaj- voices and faces outta the bedroom! I know the d*** be good but if you wanna perform and live out your inner thespian, become a YouTube actress; cut the sh*t.
Tip: Grab a damn pillow and yell into it. Grab your panties, roll them into a little ball and shove them in your mouth, unless your vagina smells like pig tongue and sauerkraut, which brings me to my next point...

all-day-p**** (ADP):
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can expect a man to lick, suck, finger, or stick his penis into a vagina that has not been cleansed! If you know you've been out all day at work, or in the gym, or grocery shopping, or shoe shopping, or at bible study and then you want me to come over (or you come over) and you're expecting sex and you ain't take some soap and water to that vagina? I hope your clit falls off! Seriously tho, that sh*t ain't cool. Hygiene is important and should be a top priority when it comes to sex. Also ladies, stop going to the bathroom to pee and/or sh*t and then getting back in the bed expecting us to resume sexual activities, it's just not happening.
Tip: Cleanliness is next to Godliness; make sure you wash the holy hell outta your vagina, amen!

what dat mouth DON'T do?:
I will NEVER, be able to understandable: how any woman can expect a man to go deep sea divin' and then turn around and won't play a clarinet solo on the penis! Do I look like Charlie Brown? You not gon' play me! Now me personally, Anthony, I'm not a fan of it, but a normal dude who ENJOYS receiving oral sex, will feel some kinda way. Also, no teeth; this ain't a BBQ and my d*** is NOT a piece of corn! Lastly, for all you women who expect men to swallow your vaginal juices when we're performing oral but you scrunchie your face up when we want to cum in YOUR mouth, listen: either you're swallowing or yore taking it on your upper lip because if not...stay at home and watch Law & Order.
Tip: If you don't like the way it taste, have him increase his fruit intake. If you're not a 'flute blower' or you know you "suck d***" at suckin' d***, just stay at home and watch a Netflix movies.

*non-positional:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how the only positions you do are:

•doggystyle
•missionary
•ridin' a dude's face

Don't nobody got time for that, "but I only cum when he hittin it from the back!" ... have you TIRED sex while on your side, one leg flat, the other wrapped around him or in the air and he just goes deeper and deeper...and deeper? Probably not but guess the f*** what: IT'LL MAKE YOU THANK HIS MAMA FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD! You don't have to be Gabby Douglas on the d*ck (No R. Kelly) but f*** out-SIDE your comfort zone! I'm not asking you to be a trapeze artist but expand your horizons! On the other hand tho, ladies, stop tryna do positions that don't fit your body type. If you know you can't ride the d***, spare the both of us because if I'm bored, I'm grabbing my phone and watching Hey Arnold on YouTube. Stop tryna do splits n'sh*t when you know good-and-damn-well your body ain't set up that way. If you're athletically challenged: find a yoga class, Zumba, or come to me for some ballet moves that you can utilize...my services don't come cheap tho.
Tip: Listen to Usher's, "That's What It's Made For," for some inspiration or seriously, take up Yoga.

squirt without warning:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can KNOW she's a squirter but decides not to disclose that info to me before sex. I, like many other men, LOVE a squirter but without warning? Nah (Chief Keef voice). If I'm tongue drillin' you, you start screaming, legs start shakin', and it turns into splash waterfalls...I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing the biggest pot, filling it with water, and tossing it on your face! Give me a warning at least so I can use some old bed sheets and a couple of towels, so we both not looking at each other like, "rock-paper-scissors for who sleeps in the wet spot?" because 9/10 I'm gonna win and you're gonna be mighty upset about having to sleep in that sh*t.
Tip: Give me a heads up, that simple.

leave my ass alone:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can think its cool to run their lil' manicured fingers anywhere near a man's ass. Oh, ohhhhhh, orrrr their tongue!!! Consult (claps hands) your (claps hands) man (claps hands) before (claps hands) deciding (claps hands) to (claps hands) Lamborghini his doors (claps hands)! What I mean is: don't just assume because you go from the d*** to the balls, that you gotta move your damn tongue down into my booty hole! YES- it's a pleasure zone for men; NO- no man wants his salad tossed without warning! This ain't HBO Oz! Some dudes enjoy it-hey, more power to them but ask first. If you wanna grab my ass while we're in missionary, go for it but please...don't move those fingers elsewhere. You stick your fingers in my ass, I'm d**k'-dippin' in ya butt!
Tip: Just ask because no man wants a "Lamborghini Mercy" outta nowhere.

Now I'm sure there are a lot more I forgot to mention so, share some, if you don't mind! All feedback is welcomed and highly encouraged!

I hope you enjoy this Dilla and make sure you tell other dudes to read and follow the movement too boy!

@renaissance_brotha_