So I Have This Friend...Who Cums Quick

I usually get women who hit me up about men who ejaculate too quick during sex but when a dude KiK'd awhile back (a private messenger app)

...I was taken aback just a lil,

Trevor: "Hey brush, umm, my girl Diane said you give good advice?"
Me: "Oh...you mean @TastiiieCakes?"
Trevor: "Yea, that's all me bruh"
Me: "Oh ok, yea yea, I'm good I guess, I don't toot my own honor"
Trevor: 'Lol, yea man I feel you bruh, too many dudes be cocky about junk ya feel me, you a modest dude from what I hear"
Me: "My head big already, so I can't be out here making it bigger. What can I help you with champ"
Trevor: "Alright, I love my girl, but, I have this issue...and I know I don't know you and I hope if you decide to use this in a blog bruh you respect me and not use my name"
Me: "You have my word"
Trevor: "I cum quick bruh n that sh*t be too *motherf***in good bruh I can't help but to do it. I cheated on her, to see if it was her, and the 4 other girls I f***ed bruh...it happened mad times bruh!"
Me: "Wait wait, 4????"
Trevor: "4 bruh. I pill'em bruh! I just don't know what to do bruh. Doc said i'm fine brush but idk, maybe you know something I don't brush you look like a Urkel kinda dude like no offense bruh"
Me: "I hear it all the time. But I'll make a blog because a lot of females hit me up"
Trevor: "fa who brush brush you 100 in my book, just don't put me or wifey name in it bruh and make that sh*t funny bruh"

So I Have This Friend...who cums quick

Over the years, many women have reached out to me to voice their complaints about men....who can't keep it up long enough for them to enjoy sex more than 10 minutes because they ejaculate too quick. Now, this might be surprising to some, but, it's a reality for many. You know how hard it is for a man to NOT slide in it and feel that warmth, that wetness, to feel that special bond between vagina and penis, that tightness and not wanna bust off quick? Sh*t is enough to make a brotha go crayyyy-zay (Old Dirty Bastard voice)! Myself...I know what its like to, you know, be in some p**** that's so damn good that when you think you're about to give her that NBA type d***...you come up short like high school JV players against the Varsity team.

I know some of you ladies will say, "well, I know my stuff is GOOD, so if he cum too quick, that's ok, I understand,"

b****, no you don't.

The moment it happens more than twice, you're on the phone with one of your girls and you're singing like Alicia Keys about his short cummings (pun all the way intended). Maybe you do have the holy grail of vagina or maybe it's because he hasn't gotten any in a long time or maybe he really does have a medical issue but whatever the case is; ain't nobody got time for that!

I'm joking,

but Trevor-Trev, here are a few ways you can prevent yourself from "shooting up the playground too quick"

1) tell her ass to get on t-t-t-top:

What's sexier than seeing her ride?

A BACON SANDWICH WITH SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES SWISS CHEESE AND KETCHUP!

Okay, I'm joking...slightly...but nothing is quite sexier than a woman who will straddle you from dusk to dawn! I like when a woman rides, why?
-she gets to feel all of this D!
-I get to play with her breast...while she feels all of this D!
-I get to see her eyes roll to the back of her head (ROLL'EM *Kevin Hart voice*)
-lastly...when I don't want her to ride anymore, I can just tell her to crawl up and put that p**** on my face- BOOM!

Naw, if I know I'm finna nut in the missionary position, I just act like I'm being aggressive and tell her some sh** like, "get on top...and ride daddy dick!" It's about control and when you give her control...boooy, she'll think she's Queen Elizabeth or...

Hustle & Flow her ass

You let her ride you and more times than none, she'll cum, hell, talk dirty to her while she's on top, play with her clit even! You do this because when she cums, you can cum right after, "baby I'm cumin too!!!"

*and they both came, happily, ever after*

2) grandma fist pumpin naked with heels on:
An ugly image right? Exactly! Wanna hold that nut in just a lil bit longer: think of random sh*t! This one time, I swear to you, the moment I went inside...I had to back out and look at her like,

WTF!!!

Haha, ya'll might be laughing but dead-ass, this was me! Sometimes we as men underestimate just how good the vagina just might be, so, we go in like, "yeaaaa, I'm bout to put in that work," and 5 minutes later its like, "...so you want water? I got water." You have to think of different sh*t to keep your mind off of what is going on! I say, listen to your iPod...actually, don't listen to me because I did that and she got hers off and till this day I haven't seen her since...I mean, she said it was good...but that was many moons ago. Fellas: get your mind OUT of the vagina, focus, so you can stay IN, the vagina. Puppies, old folks, that homeless couple that always ask you for money, the annoying fat guy at work that always ask you annoying ass questions, your uncle who thinks all the girls you bring to the family BBQs like him, but don't, or...think dead people...that always helps.

3) you dip'it then you flip:
Another great technique? Take it out and flip it gently on her clit! Not only will this buy you some time but it will also please her as well. When you're having sex (oral or intercourse), focusing on the clit is ideal!!! When you're giving her oral, you focus on the clit. When you're hittin it from the back, reach around and rub on the clit. Take it out and just start playing with it right on her vagina. Sh** is sexy to her, I mean, no one wants you to tease them, but, this will buy you some much needed time like I said. You catch your breath, hell, rub on her clit with your fingers just a lil, dip them in her, taste it, all that freak sh**, and then you just slide back in...slowly. You go from about to climax, to heightening hers in a matter of mins, but, if this doesn't work...

*** 4) eat itttt (eat it) eat itttt (eat it)/think you bout to nut, just eatttt it:
And this my friend, is how I got great...at oral pleasure! Joking...eating pudding and cupped snacks is. The moment you think you're about to nut, I don't care if she's screaming, "don't stop...ooh, baby, ohh, baby!" yo ass better stop what you're doing and go downtown and enjoy her! Yes, I advocate for, "if he's about to cum too quick, give a lil head to slow down that climax," head. You kidding me? If you're a woman who doesn't enjoy gettin the d*** and then gettin head in-between, then you haven't had sex with me the right guy yet. Sure, I know being at the height of your orgasm and then having it taken away from you is beyond annoying...but for head? I think of it like a fast break in basketball: sure, D. Wade (Miami Heat player) can just do a spin move or crossover the defender and slam it home but he knows that LeBron's ass (Miami Heat player) is RIGHT behind him, so, he's gonna double check and see exactly where he is and then alley-oop it to him; win-win for the whole team.

If you're wondering about the analogy, here's the breakdown:

D. Wade is your penis Trev, you figure, cumin too quick would just be selfish (scoring off of the fast break), so, you wanna give the assist to your homie LeBron (your tongue) so he can shine too!

Moral of the story here: if you think you're about to nut too fast, eat her ass...I mean vagina, eat her vagina.

5) meditate x yoga x exercise more:
You might laugh but doctors will suggest this because of the health benefits associated with all three. Mediate, and you are at peace with the world. In terms of sex? You're refocusing your attention elsewhere so you not releasing yourself all inside of her just yet. Yoga is good for the body and blood circulation. In terms of sex? You learn some positions and you end up putting her ass to SLEEP! Exercising is just all around great for you as you may already know. In terms of sex? You discipline yourself, get some strength, and pick her ass up and do it like Mimi and Nikko...in the shower...cause the rest of that sex tape was wiggdty-wack!

and all this sh*t don't work:

JUST (claps hands) CUM (claps hands, claps hands)

There's no sense in stressing your body out in trying to keep that in, so, just let it out. I hope this has helped you more than it has made you laugh because if it's actually a serious problem, you really need to revisit a doctor and see what's up. Some women will tell you that if she loves you, sex isn't a factor...bull AND sh**; no woman will stay with a guy who can't treat the p**** better than Kanye West takes care of Kanye West! No woman wants...

"a quick, pumper"

I know how it gets tho...you're f***ing and it's just so good, you pleasing her and she's loving it...but in the back of your mind, you're trying hard NOT to nut too quick...so your nut, turns into a Trey Songz song,

"I don't wanna leeeeeeave, but I gotta go right nooooow/I'll be back (up) befooooore, you know it"

or whatever he was crying about.

@Renaissance_Brotha_

So I Have This Friend...Whose In a Situationship

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from @UHateMe__JoinDaClub

Subject: U give advice…I need some

Hi Renaissance Man, my name is Jasmine and my bestie is in love with your lil blogs so I had to read one for myself and I will say, you got it goin on! They be long, but it covers a lot and I like that you kno what you talkin bout. So, basically I need advice because she said you good with the advice. Me and my man have been together, off and on tho (you kno how that be) for about 3 years now and I love him but I don't feel like we goin nowhere you kno what I mean? Like, he cheated, so I cheated. He be talking to other chicks on the gram, so I talk to other dudes on the gram, its only fair lol. But seriously, idk if you listen to Fab but he has this song called Situation ships and I feel that song fits him and me perfectly you know what I mean. So, if you could, could you help me out a lil, I would appreciate that or if you could. thank you renaissance man!!

So I Have This Friend…Whose In A Situationship

For those who are unaware of what a "situationship" is, ABetterBreedOfMan defines a "situationship" in two different ways...

1) a relationship where both parties argue on a constant basis and can't seem to find a common ground with their differences. You become used to each other after a period of time but you're unsure if things should end, stay as is, or change for the better. It's a "situation" that you KNOW needs to be dealt with more sooner than later, but, you're unsure of how to address the problems at hand.

2) something more than a friendship, with relationship like characteristics, but...without the title. So basically: you're having sex, you're going out on dates, you're getting to know each other, all that good stuff but...the two of you HAVE feelings for each other (and this is known) but, you're not together as boyfriend-girlfriend.

stupid, I know, but I digress...

We've all been in a "situationship" once or twice (some more than others) but this song helps to capture just WHAT a "sitatuinonship" truly is in every essence of it's title. For those who have never heard the song by Brooklyn rapper Fabolous, please take a minute to listen (Situationships) before you read the blog.

Done?

*class is in session*

So, you need advice, here it is...

"and all we do is fuck and argue/Yeah that's it, fuck and argue"

When I first heard this, I thought he was saying, "and all we do is fuckin argue/yea that's it, fuck AND argue," as some sort of play on words but I digress. Arguments usually come from a few different places:

A) misunderstanding
B) miscommunication
C) I was hurt by something you said and or did/didn't do

and so on and so forth. Whatever the reason may be, they always lead to sh** being said, that shouldn't have been said in the first place and you regretting whatever it was that you said in the heat of the moment. You're not thinking, you're mad, so, who cares if I hurt your feelings at the moment because all I wanna do is express how I feel and make YOU understand where I'M coming from. You're not responding from a place of understanding, 9/10 it's coming from a place of hurt and anger, so I'm not even thinking logically, I'm just responding and that's where that misunderstanding of the situation can lead to miscommunication. How might you ask? Because now someone is yelling!

You: "You mad over Instagram?"
Them: "No! I'm mad over how you CARRY yourself ON Instagram!"
You: "That makes no sen..."
Them: "NO, NO, BECAUSE I DON'T CARE! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING, BEAT AROUND THE BUSH AND NEVER LISTEN NOR SEE WHAT THE FUCK I BE SAYIN!!!"

An argument can go from 0-60 in no time when things get heated. Things get said...feelings are hurt...days go by...and now there's that awkwardness. What fixes arguments better than Dr. Phil and Iyanla? S-E-X! You're sorry and they're sorry, so, yall end all that with some sex! You remember what happened in Baby Boy: Yvette and Jody was yelling at each other in one scence, "I hate you...I hate you!", next scene... "Oh I love you! (insert moans and screams here)". Point being: arguments and sex go hand in hand...but does sex, ever truly solve anything? I'll get to that later...

"why have somebody lying with me every night/If they just gon be lying to me every night"

Shit ain't right...them long days gon turn into real awkward nights, trust me! Lying is one of the BIGGEST things we as people hate the most but tend to ignore or put on the back burner quite often when it comes to someone we love. Ya'll in bed talking and you ask your partner something that you KNOW they're gonna lie about but for some reason, you let it slide. If you're laying in the bed with a liar, not only is THAT person a liar, but it makes you an even bigger liar because: what was it that you told that person that you hated the most when ya'll first started talking? You hate, LIARS! "If there's one thing I despise the most: its liars!". I know what youre thinking, "well how am I a liar?" well,

1) you told that person you hate liars but you allow the lying to happen and check it half ass
2) how can you know a person is lying to your face and do not a damn thing about it?!? (that's like me robbing you with condom over a banana, and spray painting it black and saying...its a gun; sh** makes no sense!)
3) you're lying about how you feel! Oh, now y'all Eminem and Rihanna huh, you love the way they lie...f*** outta here! Lying to yourself about how you feel doesn't hurt that person, it hurts YOU ya dumbass!

You might be confused now, but I'll bring it together later...

"used to be lovers, now we, used to each other/keep accusing each other, of us, using the other/and what's crazy is, soon as you fall back they crawl back/saying they sorry and want it all back"

Shit ain't right...after awhile, you just become, used to each other. I put up with ya sh*t- because I love you. You come in late and don't say sh*t- because I've grown not to care. Oh, you don't care- well I don't care. After awhile, your partner becomes like, idk...your roommate and you only go to your roommate when you want/need something. That's when you begin to feel like you're being taken advantage of, used even and that's when, sh*t starts to hit the fan. You stop doing for that person, then you break up, and then it turns into, "this is my sorry fooorrr, 2000 (whatever) " or "I'm sorry babe, I, I just wanted to see if you would fight for me,"

Bruh!

***"titles ain't shit if the story don't match it/now you got a itch, looking for a way to scratch it/flirting online hoping shorty don't catch it"

I star this one because this is probably the biggest thing when it comes to "situationships": non-titled relationships. What this means is: you're with someone, you guys have sex, date, you've become friends, you know their friends, you've met the family, you post subliminal messages about each other on social networks, you've met the kids, basically, it's LIKE you're in a relationship but...neither one of you have decided on taking it to that next level. After awhile you'll want something after not wanting, kinda like the female who wants what you're eating, when her ass could've just ordered it her self. Never and I mean never should no male or female accept being in no, "oh i like you but I'm not looking for anything right now, just someone to kick it with and if things go to that level, ima wait for you to say it because that's not what I wanted in the first place and yes, we will have sex, but you can't be out here having me look stupid, f*cking other people, and if I love you, you have to love me the f*** back," kinda relationship. Why? Because if that person decides to, idk, entertain someone else, technically, you have no right to be mad (unless they blatantly lie to you about it). Now when you're in a relationship, at some point, you're gonna get that itch, and you're gonna wanna explore new options. Twitter, Instagram, and other social networking sites allow you to do just that but the problem with that is, now you gotta keep it on the down low like R. Kelly and don't get caught up, like R. Kelly, and get an asswhippin like, R. Kelly. Flirting online: is cool. Flirting online with the intention on doing something BEYOND just flirting: not cool. To be blunt as possible: stop allowing social networking sites to dictate how your relationship should look and stop allowing yourself to be in these situationships that only benefit you for the meantime; after 25 years old, it's about building into something greater than meaningless sex and matching Jordans...I'm thinking...marriage, kids, house, cars, joint accounts, relationship with the Lord, sex at basketball game.

"you tryna take back something you already said /that's like giving CPR to something already dead"
I'll be as frank as possible with this one: think before you speak because once those words leave out, maannn will, they, do, damage! Verbal abuse is so crazy in a relationship, like, it has the potential of f***ing someone up so bad for the next person and we as the abuser...don't even realize it. You can tell that person you adore them, love them, and all that mushy stuff but the moment, the very moment you say something that catches them off guard, that's totally left field, I mean something sooo hurtful; it's like everything you said PRIOR to that, has gone out the window. You ever burn a bridge and then realize...

how the f*** am I gonna get back across?!

You can't. I mean, you could, if and only if that person decides to send a boat (wants to make amends) and most times, they don't. Never burn a bridge before fully knowing if you're gonna need that same bridge to cross again in life. You know how hard it is to fully forgive someone who you love and trust so much after that same mouth that they just used to tell you they loved you with, rips you apart?!?! 

Bruh!

HOW I SEE IT IS...

*with regards to sex and arguments*
Sex after an argument is cool because that orgasm helps you relax but then what? You cum and those feelings that you have for that person a few minutes, hours, days, weeks ago are still there! Sex did nothing really if you take into consideration that in a few days or a week or so, you're still gonna argue about crap that already happened. My solution: thoroughly talk about what it is without yelling and over-talking. Don't cut each other off, don't dismiss, don't disregard what they're saying, and most importantly...listen AND hear where that person is coming from and think, before you speak.

*with regards to love, trust, & lying picture*
This is how we picture it:

I love you, so I trust you, and because I trust you, I expect you not to lie to me...

But, this is how it goes is:

I love you, I really do, but I don't trust you, so, I lie to you so you won't get(feel) hurt because of what I do(did) because I really do love you!

All of that sh*t is intertwined with each other...think about it.

Situationships my dear, don't work...ever! I say, have a face to face convo with your man and hash things out because if you don't, things will only get worse! Don't wait till its too late to realize that the person who's been riding with you for so long...will actually get out the car and help you fix that flat: let it marinate. Being with someone who is unsure of what you are and where you're going, isn't the person for you. If you need anymore advice, just let me know. Hopefully this song break down helped you.

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend: Whose Sex is Wack!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from friend:
"Yo Ant, this bi*** @geminisweet p**** is wack! It smelled like 22 Africans in leather suits b! It's like, she dead came and then got up and showered and left, like, are you serious! I almost blacked on her! If I didn't have to study for MCATs I would've blacked b! Why these b****es think they can get theirs and bounce like that? Why was she so stiff?!?! I don't wanna waste your time but I want you to make a blog about this b, like, that's ya homegirl and I blame you for tellin me to f***. I wasted my night and I coulda been in Mel b, like, I curved Mel for this b****! Make a blog about her sex being wack or something because I'm not f***in these b****es no more man, it got me aggy!

Dilla"

Women think that they're the only ones who experience bad sex but guess again ladies, you're not. For the past few months, swarms of guys have been hitting me up asking me to make a post or blog about women and their lackluster sex, so, here we are. Now, in no way, shape or form am I degrading women in any way, nor do I want this to come across as sexist, but ladies...sometimes your sex ain't on point. I've experienced some bad sex partners in my day, fortunately not a crazy amount because I'm not out here giving the d*** away like Rondo dishing the ball but the ones that I have experienced...*phew*! I figured I'd put together a list of complaints I've gotten and also share some of my insight for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, I present to you:

So I Have This Friend...whose sex is wack!

*class is in session*

Spider-Man:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can say, "yea, yea, just make sure you give me all that d***!" and then

10 minutes later...

"baby...babe...wait, wait, hol'up, hol'up!"

Oh, so you Big Sean now? Men don't like women who run from the d*** just like women don't like men who can't keep their d*** up! You wanna be a runner? Apply at Applebee's or Friday's. I'm suckin' and lickin' on that clit, don't stop me. I got your legs on my shoulders, hittin' that spot, don't put your clammy ass hands on my chest to push me away. I got ya face down, ass up, hands grippin' ya waist, don't scoot away. If it hurts, say so, if not, let me pin you down and enjoy it because all that movin' n'sh*t like lil' boys do in the barber chair... #AintNobodyGotTimeFoDat
Tip: If its feelin' good to you, let it be so you can cum and speaking of cummin'...

tap-out:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can even fix her lips and say some sh*t like, "I'm bout to cum, YES...*wooo*...I'm done (insert smiley face)." Done? B***h, you done making that box macaroni and cheese you make every Tuesday? Or are you done leaving hair in the shower because I'm confused. I know loads of men are guilty of the same behavior but all it takes is a 5 minute blow job and 10 minutes of penetration and we're good; women on the other hand require a lot more time and effort. No man wants to hear, "yea, yea, yea just make sure you ain't stingy with the d***!" and then she's stingy with the p****, WTFeezy!? Just because yo ol' selfish ass is finished don't mean I'm done! You better make that mouth work or them hands work because I counted two orgasms for you and 0 for me and I better nut before I turn into the Incredible Hulk over here.

Oh, you thought I was a "1-minute man" ha. You thought I was gonna get a taste of dat p****, bust a nut n'go to bed ha. You thought I was like Tyrone ha; you thought them backshots was gon' take me out my zone ha. Well baby girl see you wrong ha. You came a few times, now you surprised I last long ha...

I digress,

Tip: You may have laughed at that musical break but seriously: don't just leave him hangin', finish what you start.

doorknob stiff:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how you can post videos of you "twerkin dat ass" for Vine or Instagram but when it comes to sex...you're like a fish outta water! Maybe it's me, may-be-it's-ME, but how you gon' climb yo ass in the bed and then don't climb on the d*** to ride!? You better put some movement on dat d***! (Pops from Friday voice). I'm not saying you have to go ape s*** on the d***, but hell, if you moving like Sara from Save The Last Dance when Derrick taught her how to dance when we out at the club, don't be as stiff as President Obama when he was on Ellen (Obama Dancing) when we f***, plain and simple.
Tip: Don't let me be the only one putting in some action! If we're in doggystyle position, throw that ass back! If you're on top ridin', get on your tippy-toes and bounce!

The Nicki Minaj-er:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how after only TWO damn strokes...you screaming like a damn exorcist is being performed! Can I get to stroke 17 before you start reciting sexual scriptures!? Oh, so you want a Tony Award for your performance? Or, or maybe you thought you were gonna get an Oscar? Keep the Nicki Minaj- voices and faces outta the bedroom! I know the d*** be good but if you wanna perform and live out your inner thespian, become a YouTube actress; cut the sh*t.
Tip: Grab a damn pillow and yell into it. Grab your panties, roll them into a little ball and shove them in your mouth, unless your vagina smells like pig tongue and sauerkraut, which brings me to my next point...

all-day-p**** (ADP):
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can expect a man to lick, suck, finger, or stick his penis into a vagina that has not been cleansed! If you know you've been out all day at work, or in the gym, or grocery shopping, or shoe shopping, or at bible study and then you want me to come over (or you come over) and you're expecting sex and you ain't take some soap and water to that vagina? I hope your clit falls off! Seriously tho, that sh*t ain't cool. Hygiene is important and should be a top priority when it comes to sex. Also ladies, stop going to the bathroom to pee and/or sh*t and then getting back in the bed expecting us to resume sexual activities, it's just not happening.
Tip: Cleanliness is next to Godliness; make sure you wash the holy hell outta your vagina, amen!

what dat mouth DON'T do?:
I will NEVER, be able to understandable: how any woman can expect a man to go deep sea divin' and then turn around and won't play a clarinet solo on the penis! Do I look like Charlie Brown? You not gon' play me! Now me personally, Anthony, I'm not a fan of it, but a normal dude who ENJOYS receiving oral sex, will feel some kinda way. Also, no teeth; this ain't a BBQ and my d*** is NOT a piece of corn! Lastly, for all you women who expect men to swallow your vaginal juices when we're performing oral but you scrunchie your face up when we want to cum in YOUR mouth, listen: either you're swallowing or yore taking it on your upper lip because if not...stay at home and watch Law & Order.
Tip: If you don't like the way it taste, have him increase his fruit intake. If you're not a 'flute blower' or you know you "suck d***" at suckin' d***, just stay at home and watch a Netflix movies.

*non-positional:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how the only positions you do are:

•doggystyle
•missionary
•ridin' a dude's face

Don't nobody got time for that, "but I only cum when he hittin it from the back!" ... have you TIRED sex while on your side, one leg flat, the other wrapped around him or in the air and he just goes deeper and deeper...and deeper? Probably not but guess the f*** what: IT'LL MAKE YOU THANK HIS MAMA FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD! You don't have to be Gabby Douglas on the d*ck (No R. Kelly) but f*** out-SIDE your comfort zone! I'm not asking you to be a trapeze artist but expand your horizons! On the other hand tho, ladies, stop tryna do positions that don't fit your body type. If you know you can't ride the d***, spare the both of us because if I'm bored, I'm grabbing my phone and watching Hey Arnold on YouTube. Stop tryna do splits n'sh*t when you know good-and-damn-well your body ain't set up that way. If you're athletically challenged: find a yoga class, Zumba, or come to me for some ballet moves that you can utilize...my services don't come cheap tho.
Tip: Listen to Usher's, "That's What It's Made For," for some inspiration or seriously, take up Yoga.

squirt without warning:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can KNOW she's a squirter but decides not to disclose that info to me before sex. I, like many other men, LOVE a squirter but without warning? Nah (Chief Keef voice). If I'm tongue drillin' you, you start screaming, legs start shakin', and it turns into splash waterfalls...I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing the biggest pot, filling it with water, and tossing it on your face! Give me a warning at least so I can use some old bed sheets and a couple of towels, so we both not looking at each other like, "rock-paper-scissors for who sleeps in the wet spot?" because 9/10 I'm gonna win and you're gonna be mighty upset about having to sleep in that sh*t.
Tip: Give me a heads up, that simple.

leave my ass alone:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can think its cool to run their lil' manicured fingers anywhere near a man's ass. Oh, ohhhhhh, orrrr their tongue!!! Consult (claps hands) your (claps hands) man (claps hands) before (claps hands) deciding (claps hands) to (claps hands) Lamborghini his doors (claps hands)! What I mean is: don't just assume because you go from the d*** to the balls, that you gotta move your damn tongue down into my booty hole! YES- it's a pleasure zone for men; NO- no man wants his salad tossed without warning! This ain't HBO Oz! Some dudes enjoy it-hey, more power to them but ask first. If you wanna grab my ass while we're in missionary, go for it but please...don't move those fingers elsewhere. You stick your fingers in my ass, I'm d**k'-dippin' in ya butt!
Tip: Just ask because no man wants a "Lamborghini Mercy" outta nowhere.

Now I'm sure there are a lot more I forgot to mention so, share some, if you don't mind! All feedback is welcomed and highly encouraged!

I hope you enjoy this Dilla and make sure you tell other dudes to read and follow the movement too boy!

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend: Whose GF Can't Ride...

Names have been changed, but the story remains the same.

Nick: "But deadass Ant...this b**** can't ride d*** for the life of her!!!"
Me: "Bro...tell her how you want it to be done!"Nick: "If only it were that EASY bro, it's not. We went for a bike ride the other day and this b**** was like Meek Mill & his boys on a damn CitiBike...a CITIBIKE!"Me: "Wait, you went, YA'LL went for a bike ride? (insert hard laughing)"Nick: "You mad cause you ain't got no b**** to ride WITH! But deadass boy, she can't ride d***, what should I do?? I know you be writing blogs for these b****es, write one for me fam!"

So I Have This Friend...whose girl can't ride d***!

First and foremost...

DID YOU MISS MEEE!?!?

No? Oh...ok, I digress, but before I start:

Warning: If you are a friend and/or a family member and you MIGHT feel a tad bit uncomfortable with reading/hearing me talking about sex; this blog ain't fo yo ass.

#TURNUP

A lot of you women are out here throwing dirt on guys who can't seem to get it together in the bedroom and for that...may the Lord take vengeance upon thee! Are (some) men garbage in bed? Yes, yes SOME are, but there's a whole lot of them who are NOT (and this blog ain't for them). My boy isn't the only man to feel this way, hell, I've had a few ladies who couldn't ride a d*** but could "drop down and get their eagle on" and hit the electric slide at the drop of a dime! Some of you chicks be like, "Babe, I can't ride, can we just do doggy?" No, not now. Or, "Babe, I've never really...I mean, I don't normally do this (while climbing on top)," well, I've never been to Six Flags, but you gon ride this roller coaster! I know you're laughing while reading this, but how some of y'all claiming to be #BedroomBullies...and can't ride a d***?! That s*** puzzles me! So, here at #ABetterBreedOfMan, I wanna help you ladies get in touch with your...inner, freak if you will. I present to you: how to ride the D SO good, yo mama's mama...would be proud!

Yo Nick, you owe me bro because I'm sure your girl will be reading this!

*class is in session*

Some of you beautiful, intelligent, sexy women are reading this and can identify with the topic: you can't ride d*** well! And that's cool, dot worry boo, I got yoouuu! If you have a man, don't be afraid to practice on him, that's what he's there for; what is he gonna say, no? No man will turn down p****! "I ain't afraid of no man or no d***!" yea yea, I know: that's why you can't ride d***? What's that old saying, "practice makes perfect"? Well, you better lay his ass down, and climb on top, and ride him like a Low-Ridah out in Cali! Something to always keep in mind (and this is with anything): you can’t get better at something if you’re scared to fail. When you tell someone you haven’t done something before, that statement should then be accompanied by you trying. You don’t say you haven’t done something and continue not to do it; without trying you’ll never learn. I'm not suggesting ANY one of you ladies go out here, and have sex with just ol' any guy, just so you can practice...that sh*t ain't cool nor is it attractive. Now Nick, if Amanda comes to you and says, "let's f***! I know you like me being on top so I want to trying something new", strip down to your socks and enjoy the ride my brotha!

Secondly ladies

In order to feel comfortable pleasing your man, you have to be able to please yourself first and him, SECOND! It's just like in life: in order to be selfless, you have to be a lil selfish; so selfishly pleasure yourself with toys me or fingers all you want! There's not a dude out here that won't appreciate you jumping on top and riding him like that mechanical bull at your local bar. If you want to get your nut off and not worry about Minute-Man Mark, go for it. Ladies, in plain English: I want you to do all the nasty sh*t you do in your alone time, when no one is watching, to your man! Make it so nasty, you'll have to pray EXTRA, in church on Sunday (y'all don't hear me tho)! It's not the Mark and Laura show, oh no, it's the Laura Show, co-starring Mark...and his d***. However once you get to that point, learn what pleases him. Who knows you might actually like what he likes and can start killing two birds(freaks) with one stone(move). Dudes like Nick, complain about women that get on top only to please themselves and that’s just selfish; if you want to be a skilled rider you have to learn how to do both. Don't trip tho, I got some techniques that'll have you riding like Ciara (pun all the way intended).

baby grind on meeee! (Pretty Ricky voice)

Remember them guys? Well, if you don't, YouTube them but if you do, ladies: I want you to grind like you're at a high school party! There's not a woman reading this who doesn't enjoy grinding her warm, wet, tight, (meow), and rubbing her clit at the same time until they achieve orgasm. Work them hips, lose some of those calories, and dig your fingers into his chest...not too rough tho! Most guys aren't cumming from grinding, but from friction, there's a difference. Men need to be stroked to achieve orgasm, which grinding can limit.

b-b-b-bounce that p**** and shake dat ass

You know what turns a man on with the quickness, other than you dropping to your knees and putting his d*** in your mouth: watching and feeling you bounce on top of him. The woman who can push a man on his back, climb on top, and f*** him till he has no more energy in his tank...is a keeper! Women that bounce on the d*** usually know exactly what they’re doing and they ride with purpose. You're not worried about the fact that you just got your hair done, noooo. You're not worried about the fact that, you have work in a couple hours, noooo. You're worried about pleasing yourself, because he will be led to believe, you're really doing it for him; which sometimes is never the case (I be knowin ladies). That bounce action is cool for the dudes who enjoy having the breast in their face (like me) or who enjoy watching the ass go up...and down...and up...and down in the Reverse Cowgirl position AND who enjoy smackin that ass while you're at it (I be knowin ladies).

...you got the juice now (insert your name here ladies

I know what you're thinking: what the hell is this fool talking about now! Well, it doesn't mean "juicing" like combining fruits and veggies and sh*t; it simply means to pull and squeeze at the same damn time! Some of y'all (women) don’t know about juicing, but just think about grinding for a second. Grinding is the rubbing of two surfaces to cause friction. However, juicing is when you squeeze AND pull away from him to cause the friction. It’s basically like you’re trying to squeeze and ring him out (kinda like a wash cloth). I want you to squeeze his d*** with your vagina and just look him in the face while you're doing it; I guarantee you he will speed up his pumping, which will make him cum like that! The best position to do this in, is in Reverse Cowgirl...

and speaking OF Reverse Cowgril...

Men like when you ride it...facing the other way! When you climb on top, ride it for a lil bit facing him and then, turn around and: MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THE D*** INSIDE OF YOU (I can't stress that enough)! Place his hands around your waist, and continue with what you were doing. You can lick your nipples if you want, massage your clit while he slaps your ass, hell, you can even fantasize about someone else. It’s just better suited for two people to please one another, yet have the privacy they want while having sex as weird as that may sound.

One time, a friend of mine said, "when I get on top, he does whatever we wants, it's like, I don't have no control of the situation." My answer to that: f*ck him back. Put his hands inside of yours, pin them down, and f*** him until he cums, that simple. A lot of women are quick to say men are intimidated by them but become intimidated by men, in the bedroom: the irony. Here's something you can try: to make you feel a lil more at ease, make him put his hands behind his head, tell him to keep put, and go to work...men like taking orders n' s***.

Lastly,

I spoke about this in the paragraph before last but once again (because it's really that important): don't let the d*** slip out! Now before you start going off and dismiss miss this piece of info, consider this:

size matters! I don't care what any one of you have to say, size matters. Now, with that being said (Kevin Hart voice), it's up you take a peek at the pole he's packing and make sure it doesn't come out! If you have control and I mean COMPLETE control over your body/abilities...the d*** can never and I mean never come out, period-point-blank.

Nick, make her feel comfortable at all times; sex isn't just about catching a nut or two and rolling over and knocking out, it's way deeper than that, it's brackets to this s***. There's levels to this sh*t, and while that may be a line from Meek Mill, it's true in every sense! If you want to give some advice, simply just express how you feel when the two of you are most comfortable and laugh n' sh*t like that, this way, it comes across a lot better.


If you need anything else, holla at me!

Ladies: have you ever felt embarrassed when you got on top? Did you get better? What advice could you offer other women about riding better? Did this post miss anything?

@renaissance_brotha_