Moan, Stretch, Cum, Let It Go

The language and content of this entire piece is raw and uncut and if you are sensitive, I highly suggest you do not read,

like, at all...

deadass.

*****

You ever just look at somebody and be like, DAMN...I wonder what you fuck like!? For me, it happens often. There are just some women who just look like, well...they look like they can take a good dick! Not to take away from the fact that they're probably amazing in other areas of their lives but yea, some just look like they can take a good dick...

for about an hour or 2.

Now, don't get all in your feelings and come at me with that, "omg, you're a sexist pig...a womanizer...misogynist!" jargon because the moment a picture some appealing ass dude gets posted somewhere, with a dick print or with his shirt off, (some of) you ladies get your panties in a knot and start confessing all the nasty s*** you would do to him! But I ain't here to judge you, just like I hope you ain't here to judge me but if you are, who cares.

I digress

I'm not gonna lie to you...I love sex. I love a great mental connection and all but I really enjoy, bending a woman over eating the entire soul and every single middle school memory, from her vagina. Or maybe even just a nice and simple choke n' stroke- who knows. Point of the matter is: I love sex and I love doing different positions. Positions that'll have the body shaking and yearning for more. Positions that'll make it feel as if there's an earthquake happening in the pelvic region. Positions...that'll have you laid out across the bed like a damn starfish. Now today's class is dedicated to some positions, that I like and I hope some of you will like as well. Maybe you've tried them, maybe you haven't but if you haven't, I suggest you do!

*class is in session*

Legs On Shoulders:

There's something sexy about a woman's legs resting on my shoulders, I don't know what it is, but it just does something to me. Maybe because I like legs...who knows. Ladies, lay on your back and put either one of your legs on his shoulders or both, it's up to you. By doing this, your vagina will become tighter and will allow him to hit that G-G-G-spot better. If you want, you can even place a pillow underneath your lower back to give you an added lift, choice is yours. Let him start off slow and then pick up the pace. As he begins to go faster, have him lean in while holding your leg(s) or you can hold'em yourself. As he continues to go faster, he can ease up and hold your leg and push it forward (only if you're flexible). When that leg is pushed slightly forward and he long stroking you deeeeep, bihh, ain't no, "ba-ba-bae stop," because in our head, you saying stop but all we thinking is:

The reason this position is great...he can hit your spot and if you enjoy cummin together, you can do so. Sh**, you can also get that good ol' choke n' stroke done too...not the kinda choke like when you eating a dry ass biscuit, the kind where you can barely hear yourself moaning but you can feel him all up in you.

P**** Pon Di Face:

Always check with the dude beforehand because if you go climbing him like Spider-Man does buildings and you say, "well, Renaissance Brotha SAID it was ok..." and he come looking for me on some crazy mess...your dude, will be outta commission for a bit, so, yea, ask first. You can do this either facing him or in the reverse cowgirl position (I suggest doing both ways to be honest). Don't be aggressive starting off either, let the anticipation build up. If you're facing him: straddle his face and have him stick out his tongue and just dip...and bring it back up...dip...and bring it back up...and dip. Fellas, allow her to get comfortable and then you wrap your arms around her thighs. Ladies, grip his head and just sit there and let him do his thing. Fellas, suck on her lips but also allow your tongue to go in and out at the same time. Now if you do it in the reverse, I suggest getting on your tippy toes ladies and just ride his face. Bounce up and down! Wine your waist, grind on his face, I mean...we men love that sh**! The reason this position is great...it secretly gives men the power to dictate the orgasm. I'm a firm believer in talking sh** during sex and when you have a mouth full a pu***, it may be hard but you will have your moments where you can say things like,

"you like that sh**..."

"you like the way I suck that clit..."

"feed me that pu***..."

"cum in my mouth...

Because when you talking that sh** and you eating it right...it will bring about a very pleasurable orgasm altogether. Also, play with her nipples, lick and rub on the clit while you're eating, smack her ass even...keep it sexy.

That's Swahili For Doggy-style:

Doggy-style might be one of the top rated positions when it comes to sex. It's pleasurable to both parties and it's also an ego booster. A guy thrusting a chick from the back, all hard and fast or a woman throwing it back while looking back...it just does something to one's ego within the moment. I love it when her back is arched and...I'm deep in it. I love it when her face is down and her ass is up...and I'm deep in it. Her back is arched, I got that left leg up, just stroking away...sh** is better than the way they described heaven! Fellas, fellas, felllaaass...don't get her in this position and start off all fast: take (hand clap) yo (hand clap) time (hand clap, hand clap)! You gotta tease her a little bit. Slide it in nice and gentle and pull it out slow; that sh** will drive her crazy! As soon as you see her reaching her arm to the back to pull you closer, slap it away on some, "don't touch me or ima fuck your harder!" WOMEN LOVE THAT SHIT! Just keep sliding it in and out for a couple of minutes, get it all wet, hell, rub it on her clit even, don't be afraid to take control. After awhile, you start to build up the momentum and you can go as fast/slow as you like. Grip her waist, hold onto her shoulders, you know, basic sh** at first. She start moaning more, grab her arms, pull'em back and you fu** her harder. The reason this position is great...you can get your choke n' stroke on! I'm not telling you to Ike Turner choke her, just: get a nice little grip around her neck and stroke her! Slap her ass while you're doing it! Another reason why this position is great...I'm almost 94% sure this and missionary are the two positions that women get pregnant in the most! Ima be honest with you; if we in missionary and you looking me in the eyes, witcho pretty ass or you throwin it back, biting on that lip and moan "f***"...I'm not pulling out, like, at all. So, you better cut that sh** out or we will be up in Zales, ring shopping and deciding baby names because you will be stuck with me.

Let Her Ride:

Sometimes...I just want to be submissive. I'd be a liar if I said otherwise and frankly...I'm not in the business of lying to you. A woman on top is quite sexy, especially if she knows what she's doing. I know for some it can be awkward with all that eye contact but once you get passed all that, everything else is a go. Ladies, get him him to lay down and relax,

"bae, put your hands behind your head,"

is what you tell him and if he moves say,

"bae don't move or ima f*** you harder!"

GUYS LIKE THAT SHIT! There are times when we want you to be all cute and whatnot but then there are other times when we want you to ride us like a Kentucky Derby horse. Lean back and hold his knees while you ride him. Place your hands in his chest as you go up and down. Go down slow...come up fast or vice versa. Stay at the top and only come down 3/4 of the way and then go back up; any way you want to ride him is completely up to you. Get on the balls of your toes, grab your own breast and lick your nipples, sh**, be sexy! Tell his ass to keep his eyes on you while you riding that d***. Fellas, if you don't want to just lie there; grab her by the waist and fuck her back! That upward motion will hit her spot and her legs will get weaker by the min and that's when you tell her,

"turn that ass around...and ride me!"

Reverse cowgirl is perfect for women who love hearing the sound of her ass clappin. It's also great for women who enjoy twerkin on the d***. It's also perfect for dudes who love ass. What's better than looking at a nice ass and watching your penis go in...and out...in...and out and hearing her moan,

"smack my ass daddy! That pu*** feel good, don't it babe!?"

That sh** right there is probably one of the best things, we as men enjoy hearing during sex. More importantly ladies, you're in control! If you wanna hula hoop wine on the D, you can. You wanna bounce that booty like a basketball on the D, you can. You wanna, "cause my best friend finnaaaaa, she finnaaaaa (ohhhh)" twerk on the D, be my guessst! The reason this position is great...it never takes her that long to cum, if you got the right "equipment" and if you know what you're doing. Plus, women who like being in control basically hold the key, to the D! If you get him to moan during sex...you own his damn soul. Anytime he tells you he's about to cum ladies and tries to push you away: ease up a little bit and then quickly tighten the p**** and shift your weight into your hips and keep riding him...his punk ass won't go nowhere.

Edge Of The Bed:

If he pulls you to the edge of the bed, I can almost guarantee you 9 months later you will be in the hospital giving birth. I kid but seriously...you get pulled to the edge of the bed and it's a wrap! There's truly something sexy about it that, I don't even think scientist have managed to figure out just why. I love it! Grab you by the legs and just pull you away and watch the sheets underneath you get all fu**ed up- sexy. Spreading your legs and telling you play with your pu*** for me, I mean, how could one NOT marvel at such a sight! Fellas, get her to the edge of the bed, not to where she's more off than on the bed but to where she's balanced good enough so you can do some work. Don't even slide in her (yet) start by eating her. Tell her hold her legs and literally, just lick on the clit. Don't do NOTHING else- lick on the clit, ONLY!!! Do that for a few minutes and THEN you slide in because at this point, she'll be tired of holding her own legs so, you can hold'em for her. Slide it in, slow...I mean reaaal slow and take it out and slap it on her p****; don't even question me, just do it! Then you wanna slide all the way in and go to work. The great thing about doing all that is...you can put her right on her side (you decide) and hold one leg up, while the other remains flat and just, pump hard and fast. The reason this position is great...she won't have ANY control as to what's going on and if you stroking it good and you can hold that leg up and you can play with the clit

she just might squirt...

which is never a bad thing.

Listen, I know that was a lot to take in right but the beauty of sex is that when it's done right, I mean, not decent, I mean RIGHT...two people are left with smiles on their faces and the world is a better place. I encourage everyone to enjoy sex, safely. Yes, use condoms! If you have a partner, don't be afraid to take their ass to the clinic to get tested. If you have a new partner and you know that you're not a fan of using condoms...TAKE THEIR ASS TO THE CLINIC or make them show their results- I'm deadass when I say that. Too many people are having unprotected sex and catching a bunch of shit and passing it along like Chris Paul to Blake Griffin and in no way shape or form is that sh** cool! Just because a person doesn't LOOK like they have something, means sh**! Use protection and get tested, I promise you, it's really painless and easy and will keep you safe out here. I know sex feels way better without a jimmy hat but fellas, you don't wanna be in some p**** one day and a few weeks later your crotch is itchy and you doing the whip & nae nae to your johnson. Ladies, I know brown skin with the good teeth and full beard looks good but he can have a some sh** that'll have your whole vagina in the toilet swimming like Michael Phelps. I know light skin with the nice eyes or the dark skin dude with dreads got a d*** that'll have you praising Allah but you gotta stop allowing these men to go in raw and leaving your box with a filter on it (take your pick). I know this wasn't your typical ending but it has to be said because if one of you ladies burn me or give me some shit I can't get rid of...I'm getting you fired from your job, evicted, selling your shoes, cutting the front panel of your panties out, tossing your car keys, blowing up your car, leaving dog doodoo in from of your parents house, leaking your nudes to Baller Alert, and flushing your make-up and recording that sh**! Be safe!

Do you have any favorite positions? If so, what are they and why.

@renaissance_brotha_

W.E.T.

...but what that mouth do!?
- anonymous

I'm not sure who the first person was to ask this but I do know a lady asked me this while standing in line at Chiptole:

Lady: I'm sorry but what cologne are you wearing?
Me: Polo Black
Lady: oh my...well, it smells really great
Me: thank you, I appreciate you saying that
Lady: ok I'm sorry but you have really nice lips

***pause***

So at that point...I totally forgot what I wanted to order! She was pretty but...she had a ring on it (BBM sad face).

***unpause***

Me: really? Thank you...I don't get that often
Lady: they're a nice size though...just wanna know what that mouth do?
Me: *insert nervous laugh* a lot...I guess

She literally had me at a lost for words, so much so that I ordered a damn chicken bowl and forgot to ask them to add a lil more rice and chicken! When you ask someone of the opposite sex, "what that mouth do?" They're usually referencing...

But today I wanna touch on what else, that mouth can do;

Stimulate that motherfu**in mind!

*class is in session*

When we think about sex, we think about...

• sex in the shower
• sex in the kitchen
• sex in the living room
• sex in kids bedroom (ok, not on the bed...maybe near the toy chest...just an idea)
• sex in the car
• sex in the bathroom, at that restaurant where the waitress is always a bi*** because ya'll take too long to decide what you want
• sex...ok, you get the point.

And while this is cool,

we often forget that, even before intercourse can happen, one must be stimulated mentally. Yes folks, stimulating the mind can open doors that "penis/vagina key" can not!

I feel when you stimulate your partner, first mentally, the possibility of your physical needs and wants have a greater chance of being met. The idea is to be able to paint a picture for the mind of; WHAT you wanna do and HOW you're gonna do it and once that happens, sex has the tendency to be that much greater!

I get the whole, "having a physical attraction to somebody is important and blah blah blah," but when you think about our ability to even get in the mood, all I wanna know is...what that mind do!?

...You know what it's like to be aroused by a woman who knows the difference between: they're, their, and there!? It's on the same level as seeing your food come out at the restaurant. There's nothing more sexier than a woman who can hold an intelligent convo and challenge my mind! Now when I think about that in terms of sex, once you turn a person of mentally, unless it's your duty to please that booty, trying to have good sex with that person will be like watching paint dry!

I'm sorry fellas but if you think that just because you're good looking and the penis you're slinging will keep a woman interested; think again my friend! There are men out there who are handsome, have an amazing personality, humorous, are "packing," and...

*drum roll*

can keep a woman's mind stimulate without laying a single finger on/in her!

The great thing about mental stimulation is that it doesn't just happen in the bedroom because, I mean, you know, talkin dirty does makes the pus** wetter fellas (just tossing that out there). It can happen at school, church, the dentist office, a funeral, at work, when you send him/her a text,

"Hope you're day is going well...but when I see you ima f*** the soul outta you, ok?" Have a great day babe!"

orsomething else along those lines but the point I'm making is that you don't have to rely on JUST physical activity to get your partner aroused. I know you're thinking foreplay before sex is the sure fire way to get her panties moist but there are so many other ways you can achieve getting her in the mood;

Say it with me: women (hand clap) love (hand clap) to talk (hand clap, hand clap)! Yes, you got it! A man who engages a woman in conversation has already beat out the dude who is begging her to come "chill". Ask her out to coffee or hell, even the park just to talk and I promise you she will go back to her friends and rant and rave about you. Ask about what motivates her, what her interests are, her dreams, I mean, don't make it sound like an interview but the idea is to pick apart her brain and really get to know how she thinks and find out what she has a passion for. If you're concerned with just trying to f*** then I'm sorry sir but this piece isn't for you. Don't he afraid to share your interest and dreams as well...women find that sh** attractive bruh. Make eye contact- but don't eye fu** her. Pay attention to her body language. Even when you're texting, stay away from asking her question after question and making vague statements:

Him: wyd
Her: nothin watchin tv, you?
Him: same
Her: oh ok how was your day?
Him: pretty good, yours?
Her: it was good. Long, but good, just tired

It's convos like this that make women lose interest, real quick! I'm not saying be a First 48 detective but you don't wanna come off as vague either- engage her. Ask her what about her day was good or bad, what does she have planned for tomorrow or the rest of the week, so on and so forth. Yes, the convo of sex will come up at some point but she has to be able to feel comfortable AND trust you to be able to be open with you in that manner! If she likes you, of course she's thought about how would sex be with you, but don't go in for the kill by sending her a d*** pic or,

Her: I would have to say....Fast and Furious
Him: yea, I wasn't a big fan of Fast and Furious but the last one was good...so what you wearing

You're, too, thirsty bro, relaaax. Stop trying to show her that your d*** is on fleek and allow her to find out on her own, for that because if the convo is that good...

It's sexy to a woman when a man knows more about what's going on in the world vs the new Jordans that came out...basic b****es/women care about sh** like that. Who cares if you know that Drake was "runnin thru the 6 wit his woes," when you can't even name the three branches of government- you're just a tool to her. A man who is cultured, who has substance, one who can teach her something! Most of y'all will fake interest just to get the pu***, don't get the pu***, get mad at her for not giving up the pu***, and then try the same sh** on the next female...and it happens all over again- bruh, is you dumb or nah! Good convo is like foreplay- mind fuck her! I'm not saying read a bunch of sh** you don't care about but maybe, idk, talk about something that DOES excite you!

*light bulb*

She just wants someone to challenge her mind and not talk about the latest gossip, foolery, or talk about sports all the time; diversify your mind.

Now, [some] women like dancing. *gasp* If you're dealing with a woman, ditch the whole movie and dinner date and find a spot that plays music and tell her to get sexy, don't take long, and make sure she puts on comfortable shoes- be direct. When I talk about stimulating her mentally, dancing helps that as well, how? Her seeing you move with rhythm (or at least trying to) and enjoying yourself, is as big of a surprise as the Kentucky losing in the Final Four this year. Now I'm not saying fondle her while you're dancing because she'll think you're a creep but, trace her body with your hands, look in her eyes every so often, grab her by the waist, spin her, I mean, let your bodies talk so your hands don't have to so much. Unfortunately for me, my mother was a dancer so I was forced to do ballet, tap, and yada yada, so I grew up knowing how to dance and what not but for those who didn't, they had to learn from watching others and practicing. The point I'm making here is that women tend to associate dancing, with sex...and that's all ima say about that!

Now, a huge and I mean HUGE turn off for women is a man's inability to take the lead! "Idk babe, it's whatever you wanna do," will leave your penis inside your boxers and text messages unanswered. "How about you come over to chill," will have her lying to you on some, "ok boo, I'm on my way," when she really either went to sleep or continued to watch tv or she went out with her friends/another dude. Tell her you made plans and that you're coming to get her or for her to meet you somewhere if you don't drive (like me). Tell her what's on your mind. If you do tell her to come over and chill...make sure those are your only intentions!

(I mean, if she hops on you wanting the D...that's on you, I mean, I can tell you that she'll find it sexy if you turn her down, but what do I know)

The point is: she wants a man with a plan and action and not a lil ass boy, with hard di** looking for satisfaction. Don't be cocky, but be confident in all that you do and say. Be a leader. Have a backbone. Be clear and concise! If you say to her,

"When you get home after work, meet me at the lil Mediterranean joint in the city and don't be late and don't wear panties and bring sneakers and have bail money on standby just in case."

The moral here fellas is that, if you've gotten her thinking about what you plan on doing, that right there can be just, if not more pleasurable than the activity itself. Now, if you want her limbs to stretch long and wide, you might wanna tap into her mental first. Don't just be eye candy- be soul food. Don't just provide her food for nourishment- be food for thought, for her hungry mind. Strength is demonstrated in your ability to tell her no; so if she's rushing you to have sex...tell her no and stand by it! If you can find pleasure in watching her take off her clothes, find pleasure watching her undress her insecurities, while you kiss the flaws she's been afraid to expose to the world. Sure, you wanna eat the booty like groceries, we get it, we get it...but how about mind fuc**** her so good that penis is the last thing on her mind when it comes to you. She can't learn sh** from no dumbaas- dumbass! Stop being so caught on lust and thirst and try substituting those two for genuine interest and patience. "It's so dope when the lust is mutual," is another basic ass social media quote for basic ass people who get lusted after and then get mad when the other person only wanted them for sex- STICK WITH INTEREST! If she gives you the time if the day, if she allows you to take her on dates, if she devotes her time to you...be real, be honest, be genuine, be engaging, but more importantly- be you. If you listen...she will cum. Intelligence is sexiest on a man who actually knows how to hold a convo and I mean, I ain't the best looking man but I do have great teeth and I can talk a woman's head off or I can listen to her talk my head off till she goes to sleep. You know how corny it is for her body to be with you but her mind somewhere else? Bruh! I talk to ya'll like this because it's time we regain our position in the world and stop doing f*** sh**! Sex ain't going nowhere and if your concern is about quaintly and not quality then...I don't know what to tell you my friend, well, I do, but, that's a different blog.

Be food for thought, for a hungry mind and I guarantee you that if you seduce that mind...the body will follow but warning, entirely tempting...is her love below.

*class dismissed*

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend...Who Cums Quick

I usually get women who hit me up about men who ejaculate too quick during sex but when a dude KiK'd awhile back (a private messenger app)

...I was taken aback just a lil,

Trevor: "Hey brush, umm, my girl Diane said you give good advice?"
Me: "Oh...you mean @TastiiieCakes?"
Trevor: "Yea, that's all me bruh"
Me: "Oh ok, yea yea, I'm good I guess, I don't toot my own honor"
Trevor: 'Lol, yea man I feel you bruh, too many dudes be cocky about junk ya feel me, you a modest dude from what I hear"
Me: "My head big already, so I can't be out here making it bigger. What can I help you with champ"
Trevor: "Alright, I love my girl, but, I have this issue...and I know I don't know you and I hope if you decide to use this in a blog bruh you respect me and not use my name"
Me: "You have my word"
Trevor: "I cum quick bruh n that sh*t be too *motherf***in good bruh I can't help but to do it. I cheated on her, to see if it was her, and the 4 other girls I f***ed bruh...it happened mad times bruh!"
Me: "Wait wait, 4????"
Trevor: "4 bruh. I pill'em bruh! I just don't know what to do bruh. Doc said i'm fine brush but idk, maybe you know something I don't brush you look like a Urkel kinda dude like no offense bruh"
Me: "I hear it all the time. But I'll make a blog because a lot of females hit me up"
Trevor: "fa who brush brush you 100 in my book, just don't put me or wifey name in it bruh and make that sh*t funny bruh"

So I Have This Friend...who cums quick

Over the years, many women have reached out to me to voice their complaints about men....who can't keep it up long enough for them to enjoy sex more than 10 minutes because they ejaculate too quick. Now, this might be surprising to some, but, it's a reality for many. You know how hard it is for a man to NOT slide in it and feel that warmth, that wetness, to feel that special bond between vagina and penis, that tightness and not wanna bust off quick? Sh*t is enough to make a brotha go crayyyy-zay (Old Dirty Bastard voice)! Myself...I know what its like to, you know, be in some p**** that's so damn good that when you think you're about to give her that NBA type d***...you come up short like high school JV players against the Varsity team.

I know some of you ladies will say, "well, I know my stuff is GOOD, so if he cum too quick, that's ok, I understand,"

b****, no you don't.

The moment it happens more than twice, you're on the phone with one of your girls and you're singing like Alicia Keys about his short cummings (pun all the way intended). Maybe you do have the holy grail of vagina or maybe it's because he hasn't gotten any in a long time or maybe he really does have a medical issue but whatever the case is; ain't nobody got time for that!

I'm joking,

but Trevor-Trev, here are a few ways you can prevent yourself from "shooting up the playground too quick"

1) tell her ass to get on t-t-t-top:

What's sexier than seeing her ride?

A BACON SANDWICH WITH SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES SWISS CHEESE AND KETCHUP!

Okay, I'm joking...slightly...but nothing is quite sexier than a woman who will straddle you from dusk to dawn! I like when a woman rides, why?
-she gets to feel all of this D!
-I get to play with her breast...while she feels all of this D!
-I get to see her eyes roll to the back of her head (ROLL'EM *Kevin Hart voice*)
-lastly...when I don't want her to ride anymore, I can just tell her to crawl up and put that p**** on my face- BOOM!

Naw, if I know I'm finna nut in the missionary position, I just act like I'm being aggressive and tell her some sh** like, "get on top...and ride daddy dick!" It's about control and when you give her control...boooy, she'll think she's Queen Elizabeth or...

Hustle & Flow her ass

You let her ride you and more times than none, she'll cum, hell, talk dirty to her while she's on top, play with her clit even! You do this because when she cums, you can cum right after, "baby I'm cumin too!!!"

*and they both came, happily, ever after*

2) grandma fist pumpin naked with heels on:
An ugly image right? Exactly! Wanna hold that nut in just a lil bit longer: think of random sh*t! This one time, I swear to you, the moment I went inside...I had to back out and look at her like,

WTF!!!

Haha, ya'll might be laughing but dead-ass, this was me! Sometimes we as men underestimate just how good the vagina just might be, so, we go in like, "yeaaaa, I'm bout to put in that work," and 5 minutes later its like, "...so you want water? I got water." You have to think of different sh*t to keep your mind off of what is going on! I say, listen to your iPod...actually, don't listen to me because I did that and she got hers off and till this day I haven't seen her since...I mean, she said it was good...but that was many moons ago. Fellas: get your mind OUT of the vagina, focus, so you can stay IN, the vagina. Puppies, old folks, that homeless couple that always ask you for money, the annoying fat guy at work that always ask you annoying ass questions, your uncle who thinks all the girls you bring to the family BBQs like him, but don't, or...think dead people...that always helps.

3) you dip'it then you flip:
Another great technique? Take it out and flip it gently on her clit! Not only will this buy you some time but it will also please her as well. When you're having sex (oral or intercourse), focusing on the clit is ideal!!! When you're giving her oral, you focus on the clit. When you're hittin it from the back, reach around and rub on the clit. Take it out and just start playing with it right on her vagina. Sh** is sexy to her, I mean, no one wants you to tease them, but, this will buy you some much needed time like I said. You catch your breath, hell, rub on her clit with your fingers just a lil, dip them in her, taste it, all that freak sh**, and then you just slide back in...slowly. You go from about to climax, to heightening hers in a matter of mins, but, if this doesn't work...

*** 4) eat itttt (eat it) eat itttt (eat it)/think you bout to nut, just eatttt it:
And this my friend, is how I got great...at oral pleasure! Joking...eating pudding and cupped snacks is. The moment you think you're about to nut, I don't care if she's screaming, "don't stop...ooh, baby, ohh, baby!" yo ass better stop what you're doing and go downtown and enjoy her! Yes, I advocate for, "if he's about to cum too quick, give a lil head to slow down that climax," head. You kidding me? If you're a woman who doesn't enjoy gettin the d*** and then gettin head in-between, then you haven't had sex with me the right guy yet. Sure, I know being at the height of your orgasm and then having it taken away from you is beyond annoying...but for head? I think of it like a fast break in basketball: sure, D. Wade (Miami Heat player) can just do a spin move or crossover the defender and slam it home but he knows that LeBron's ass (Miami Heat player) is RIGHT behind him, so, he's gonna double check and see exactly where he is and then alley-oop it to him; win-win for the whole team.

If you're wondering about the analogy, here's the breakdown:

D. Wade is your penis Trev, you figure, cumin too quick would just be selfish (scoring off of the fast break), so, you wanna give the assist to your homie LeBron (your tongue) so he can shine too!

Moral of the story here: if you think you're about to nut too fast, eat her ass...I mean vagina, eat her vagina.

5) meditate x yoga x exercise more:
You might laugh but doctors will suggest this because of the health benefits associated with all three. Mediate, and you are at peace with the world. In terms of sex? You're refocusing your attention elsewhere so you not releasing yourself all inside of her just yet. Yoga is good for the body and blood circulation. In terms of sex? You learn some positions and you end up putting her ass to SLEEP! Exercising is just all around great for you as you may already know. In terms of sex? You discipline yourself, get some strength, and pick her ass up and do it like Mimi and Nikko...in the shower...cause the rest of that sex tape was wiggdty-wack!

and all this sh*t don't work:

JUST (claps hands) CUM (claps hands, claps hands)

There's no sense in stressing your body out in trying to keep that in, so, just let it out. I hope this has helped you more than it has made you laugh because if it's actually a serious problem, you really need to revisit a doctor and see what's up. Some women will tell you that if she loves you, sex isn't a factor...bull AND sh**; no woman will stay with a guy who can't treat the p**** better than Kanye West takes care of Kanye West! No woman wants...

"a quick, pumper"

I know how it gets tho...you're f***ing and it's just so good, you pleasing her and she's loving it...but in the back of your mind, you're trying hard NOT to nut too quick...so your nut, turns into a Trey Songz song,

"I don't wanna leeeeeeave, but I gotta go right nooooow/I'll be back (up) befooooore, you know it"

or whatever he was crying about.

@Renaissance_Brotha_

Thank Me Later, Take Care, Nothin Was The Same...

*The following content is for mature audiences only...viewer discretion is advised*

When it comes to sex…

Women, love, that, rough, sh*t! I mean, anything that will help the orgasm experience to be THAT much greater? Women are for it! Choking? During sex?! A win-win fellas. Now, I'm not saying choke the sh*t outta her like Ike did Tina...unless she's into that kinda thing, then, hey, do you but at least get a feel of what it is that she likes. I'm sure a lot of you men are reading this, struggle with "when and how to choke" but don't be alarmed; I'm here for you. So, grab a pen, some paper, and please, pay close attention…

*class is in session*

I am in no way shape or form some sort of sex-pert but I do know a little somethin somethin about what it is that females enjoy, when it comes to sex. First and foremost: women love dominance! Not just in how you carry yourself in the outside world but how that translates in the bedroom as well! They want a man who will take charge, sh*t, not just in the relationship but during sex as well! Submission! Women love to be submissive! Women don't want some ol' Harry Potter kinda dude, tellin them to take the d***! They want that 50 Shades of Grey kinda lovin! They wanna hear…

"Bend that ass over (slaps on ass)! Don't run, just take it!"

"I said touch me? Put your hands up there and don't move'em...matter fact, hold them legs!"

Not,

"What position you wanna do next?"
"Too fast babe, too fast I'm bout to cum...slow down."

#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat

There's an art into sex choking. First off, don't just grab the s*** outta her neck. Never should you just, grab her by the neck like she owe you money; be gentle, at first. Let me be the first to tell you: there's a big difference between coming across as being sexy and rough and coming across as a wrestler or a Lifetime movie rapist; don't rape the p***y my man. Don't rag doll the p****! A lot of you men get in the p**** and go ape sh*t right off the back and think that's that s*** that will satisfy her; wrong. You think just grabbing her by her neck and shoving your penis in her, it'll get her wet??? It won't, it'll hurt...or maybe she'll like it...point is: take it easy mon! Yes, you DO wanna grab her neck with your hand(s), BUT, while doing so, use your thumb AND your fingers and squeeze (do it from the side more so than the front because she'll end up choking if you press too hard). Now of course you can adjust depending on how she likes it, but don't go over the top right out the gate. If you're having a hard time deciding, read her body.

*a woman's body will tell you all you need to know other than her verbalizing it when, it comes to bedroom activities*

Women love that passionate sh*t but they also love that rough sh*t as well. Try kissing her and have one hand on her ass and the other around her neck. Or, you can have one hand around neck, and whisper some s*** in her ear like,

"You gon let me taste you right? Take them panties off..so you can feed me…"

I love doing that sh*t Women love that s***!
Once you've gotten how to choke her down pact, try moves like…

Grippin Grain:
Lay her down on her back. Whisper in her ear (I say this because it's good to paint a picture...women love pictures). Kiss her from her ears, to her neck, to her shoulders, to the middle of her chest, to her breast, to her nipples (spend a lil time there), down her stomach, and as your doing that, run your fingers around her clit and the inside of her lips, and crawl your fingers up her stomach to her nipples, fondle them, then up to her neck, and now you should be eating her...while choking her at the same time, but lightly. Its like, grippin the steering wheel: not too hard and not to light either. If you want: eat her out and keep one hand around her neck and the other on her breast or run your fingers around her mouth, let her suck on them. If you can't do that, try this…

The Ike;
Ladies (claps hands) love (claps hands) that (claps hands) rough (claps hands) s*** (claps hands, claps hands)! When is the last time you f***ed her against a wall? Probably never or in a real long time but no worries; Ike Turner her ass. Sometimes you just gotta grab her ass up, kiss her, and just f**k her like a porn star...women love to be porn stars for their men! Remember how Ike had Tina against the fish tank? Well, that was rape but what you wanna do is pin her ass up against a wall or turn her around and slide it in slow, kiss on her while you're doing it and...just stroke. I would say, stroke for a few minutes, with your hands placed around her waist (if it's from the back) or on her breast (if its from the front and she's at an angle). Now you increase the speed but I want you to go harder, this way, things can begin to intensify. Talk to her too,

"how does the d*** feel,"

"are you enjoying the d***,"

"oh, you like that huh,"

"who else you f***in,"

"I told you stop wit all those ass selfies on IG, didn't I...didn't I,"

"when you making that lasagna again,"

s*** like that. Now, gently wrap your hand around her neck and look in her eyes (it she's facing you) or have her look back at you, as you're stroking her deeper and deeper. If she cums, hell, tell her to lick it off your d***...make her choke on the d*** (another great form of choking).

*Arch Your Back, Point Your Toes:
I put a star next to this one because it's…pretty damn important.

You see how you had her laying down, while eating her out, and then you switched to having her against the wall…now you wanna bend her ass the f*** over…and go deep! Its all about - tran-si-tions. For this position: you wanna have her bend over, arch her back, and make sure you go down and taste it, before you slide in…real men eat it before they beat it Start off stroking at a normal speed. You wanna gradually build up your speed and make the strokes deeper and long and harder. 8/10, she'll be off in her own world thinking about me for Valentines Day how good it feels. Now, you wanna pick up the speed a lil more and grab her hair (if she has none or isn't a fan of it, bypass). As you're doing that, you can either:

A) slap her ass, at the same damn time
B) grip her by the waist, at the same damn time
C) play with her breast, at the same damn time

D) grab her by the shoulder and thrust harder

take you pick.

Whichever you decide, just make sure multiple actions are going on. Now, move your way from her hair to her neck. I say, grip by the waist and just f*** her harder...and harder...and harder, while applying some pressure around her neck. If you wanted them Jordans or to go to strip club and she was against it before, this would be the BEST time to ask,

You: "you gon get them Jordans right...right!?!"
Her: "oooooo, size 8, size 8! Yes baby, YES!"
You: "and, I'm, goin, to, the, CLUB, too (as you give it to her harder)!"
Her: "daddy do what you want! Take my car if you want, s***!"

The point is…give her that d*** like you playing for the NBA Championship; that LeBron James d***!

And last but not least,

Missionary Press:
F*** all that, letting her get a rest sh*t! You really wanna make her have an "outer body experience"? Tell her to switch positions and lay down on her back, eat her out for a few minutes, tease her, and then...slide in, gently. F*** her...and f*** her some more...f*** her harder, and in the midst of all this, put both hands around her neck. You don't wanna squeeze too tight just yet, you wanna ease your way into it. As you're grippin her neck, talk dirty to her (I'll let you decide upon what to say) and just start stroking harder and harder. Make sure to loosen the grip up here and there but make sure some pressure is around her neck...shuttin her ass up! If you want, hold one of her legs up to your shoulder and angle yourself inward, while maintaining the pressure on her neck. The thrusting from that d*** and the neck pressure - *yasssss*

Have her look at YOU while you f***ing her! Make her spread them legs and if she if she drop 'em, you go HARDER!

Fellas, the idea isn't to choke her every damn time you have sex, sex choking is reserved for when you have lil arguments or when you feeling extra frisky. She start to talking about what she seen on IG…you run up on her, and say,

"listen b****, take them panties the f*** off and bend over…wait, wait, lick this d*** first!"

Wanna show her you care, choke her. That timid sh*t is for the weak when it comes to sex. If you been giving her the D for a long time and eating it and she can't cum, you choking her MIGHT be the key to her going to that next level...

All in all, you need to give her that Drake album experience

Leave her So Far Gone, then tell her Thank Me Later and to Take Care, and I promise you…Nothin Was The Same!

@renaissance_brotha_

Make It Nasty

*Warning: the following content is intended for MATURE audiences only*

*Viewers discretion is advised* 

It's almost 2014 and men are STILL acting like pleasuring a woman down below is the equivalent to catching cooties! Fellas, I understand you don't want to be clowned by your homeboys but what you really don't want is one OF your homeboys doing some sh*t you ain't have the time for: e.g. eating your woman out. If you think, RIGHT NOW, some dude on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, ain't pressuring your woman, to let him come over or vice versa, so he can watch Redbox movies eat your woman's vagina...you are sadly mistaken.

Maybe it's because you still ain't learn from Eat One, Teach One, pt. 1 or maybe it's because you're stuck on stupid or maybe it's because you're more concerned with your NBA/NFL fantasy team, to even bother with going down town and sending your woman to work happier than a kid on Christmas! Whatever your rationale is, I assure you, THIS piece right here, will help you out come sex time...period.

*class is in session*

The idea of part 2 is to make sure you as man, do everything in your powers, to insure a night/morning/afternoon of pure bliss...

and just be a down right freak!!!

Listen, if you're a family member or anything else along those lines...cut your loses now, stop reading, and get ready for Scandal

...because I'm bout to say some sh*t, that'll f*** your perception of me.

Eat It From The Back:

A lot of men are afraid to eat it from the back because the anus is pretty much RIGHT, THERE! Listen, if you're an adult, you should KNOW where that hole is; so don't get behind her and lick all crazy or 8/10 your tongue WILL enter that hole. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't like her p**** ate from the back! Here's what you do fellas: have her come over to you and say some sh*t like, "damn babe, your butt looks bigger (smaller), what you been doing?". This will prompt her to turn around and have her ass in your face. Now, unless she's on her period, I say, just do some sneak sh*t like, idk, start pulling down her- whatever she's wearing and start kissing her ass...men like kissing ass. Bend her over, gently, and if she's wearing panties, pull them suckas to the side, if not, just stick your tongue in, slowwwly. The spontaneity mixed with the pleasure will not only have have her wet, but, cummin' like crazy! Tell her to look back at you while you're eating it...women love lookin' back at it. Your goal is to make sure your sucking on those lips and licking that clit, like it's a cup or pudding or jell-o or whatever it is, that you like.

Let Her Ride Your Face:

This is my personal favorite, why? Because there's nothing like a woman who THINKS she's in control when in reality...she isn't. Some men don't like this sh*t but will two-step they ass out the shower and Electric Slide their penis, into the mouth of their sleeping partner. Aside from rocking a beard; a woman's vagina is one of the sexiest things a man could have on his face. Y'all chillen', layin' around and she get that "itch", don't go down to her, tell her to come up to you! Whisper in her ear, "bae, put that p****, on my face! (Kevin Hart voice)". You know how quick she'll hop on your face? The goal is to make sure she's relaxed, why? Because if she's stiff, her weight will f*** things up and if you thought Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown ass ain't no know how to breathe with no air...yo ass will surely soon find out! Take your time tho. Grab her ass, palm it, smack it, grab her breast, hell, rub your fingers over her wetness, dip'em in your mouth, and play with her nipples, while grabbing on her ass, while eating her out, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! Your goal is to make her cum so you can slurp all them juices out and if that don't work...

Use a Toy:

Some of you dudes will read this and think, "yo that's gay!". Everything ain't for everybody, I understand that. I also understand that, sometimes, you gotta do a lil' extra and be willing to spice sh*t up. You know how that white guy was looking for something to make his "party pop off" in that Beats Blue Pill commercial? Same applies to sex: use one of her toys (or suggest that she buy one), so that y'all "party" pops off! You can use a dildo, rabbit, or a vibrator to help assist you eat the p****, pick your poison. I'm not telling you to use this as a crutch nor am I suggesting you use one on every girl your encounter (unless they all happen to like that s***) nor am I suggesting that YOU BUY ONE but if you have a long time GF or you're married, I say: fu** it, throw ambition to the wind and get it poppin! If you use a vibrator for instance: allow the vibrator to stimulate her clit, while your tongue, works her insides. A dildo can be used to penetrate her WHILE you work on her clit. Lastly, a rabbit...a rabbit usually has dual capabilities, so, the two of you (toy and tongue) can switch off periodically. Hell, you can even let her suck on the dildo, if you want or "toss her salad" and let the dildo penetrate her vagina and speaking of "tossin her salad"...

Lamborghini Her Doors:

You know how the doors go up on a Lamborghini, that's how her legs should go up when you're tossing her salad. I know y'all like, "whaaatttt!?!?" but let me tell you:

she (claps hands) will (claps hands) go (claps hands) f***in (claps hands) crazy (claps hands) when you stick (claps hands) your (claps hands) tongue (claps hands) in her ass!

It's not for everybody, I understand that. Some women enjoy it, not all the time...but they enjoy it. Before you even consider doing it men:

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS CLEAN!

(same goes for the kitty cat)

I'm not an ass eating specialist but I know if you start eating her out and wet your index finger up and slide it in her "tunnel of love" and then roll your tongue upwards and then use two other fingers to pleasure her...s**t will get real!

Get on Your Knees:

"You got a job, you got degrees/but so wat playa, get on yo kneeeess!" (In my Khia voice...you know, the chick from "My Neck, My Back").

Ima keep it alll the way real on this one: when you're on your knees and she's just looking at you, look her dead in the eye and keep doing what you're doing! Women love to have a submissive (and aggressive) guy when it comes down to sex. The submissiveness comes from you being on your knees, giving her all your attention. The aggressiveness comes from when your eating her and talking sh*t to her at the same time,

"You like that shit right?!"

"Hold dem legs, HOLD DEM LEGS!"

"Put ya hand on the back of my head!"

"Push me deeper in that s***!"

You know, shit like that. Women like when you take charge fellas. The goal is to make her cum to the point where her legs shake and she's just cursing you out,

"You ain't shit, you know that!! I was suppose to go out to the club!"

Oh no b****, you ain't goin nowhere!

Not all men are into eating p**** but to the ones who are; I salute you! Now that I think about it, some of you dudes need to read this one and part 1 because you might THINK you're doing something...but you're not. If you expect a woman to put her mouth...on and or around your penis, you should most definitely, put your tongue and lips...in and or around her vagina. The key is to keep her thinking, "is he going suck for x amount mins? Is he gonna lick my clit in circles or up and down?". Keep her on her toes! Use them fingers and spread them lips apart while you let her suck on your other fingers. Suck on her clit, but not too hard. Mix up your licking speeds. Nibble on her clit as well, but make sure you don't Vampire Diaries/True Blood her p****! Make, love, to, her, vagina, fellas; she'll appreciate it, as well as her vagina. Pin her ass on the bed and put her legs back and start from her naval and work your way down...

Never mind.

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend: Whose Sex is Wack!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Email from friend:
"Yo Ant, this bi*** @geminisweet p**** is wack! It smelled like 22 Africans in leather suits b! It's like, she dead came and then got up and showered and left, like, are you serious! I almost blacked on her! If I didn't have to study for MCATs I would've blacked b! Why these b****es think they can get theirs and bounce like that? Why was she so stiff?!?! I don't wanna waste your time but I want you to make a blog about this b, like, that's ya homegirl and I blame you for tellin me to f***. I wasted my night and I coulda been in Mel b, like, I curved Mel for this b****! Make a blog about her sex being wack or something because I'm not f***in these b****es no more man, it got me aggy!

Dilla"

Women think that they're the only ones who experience bad sex but guess again ladies, you're not. For the past few months, swarms of guys have been hitting me up asking me to make a post or blog about women and their lackluster sex, so, here we are. Now, in no way, shape or form am I degrading women in any way, nor do I want this to come across as sexist, but ladies...sometimes your sex ain't on point. I've experienced some bad sex partners in my day, fortunately not a crazy amount because I'm not out here giving the d*** away like Rondo dishing the ball but the ones that I have experienced...*phew*! I figured I'd put together a list of complaints I've gotten and also share some of my insight for your reading pleasure. Without further ado, I present to you:

So I Have This Friend...whose sex is wack!

*class is in session*

Spider-Man:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can say, "yea, yea, just make sure you give me all that d***!" and then

10 minutes later...

"baby...babe...wait, wait, hol'up, hol'up!"

Oh, so you Big Sean now? Men don't like women who run from the d*** just like women don't like men who can't keep their d*** up! You wanna be a runner? Apply at Applebee's or Friday's. I'm suckin' and lickin' on that clit, don't stop me. I got your legs on my shoulders, hittin' that spot, don't put your clammy ass hands on my chest to push me away. I got ya face down, ass up, hands grippin' ya waist, don't scoot away. If it hurts, say so, if not, let me pin you down and enjoy it because all that movin' n'sh*t like lil' boys do in the barber chair... #AintNobodyGotTimeFoDat
Tip: If its feelin' good to you, let it be so you can cum and speaking of cummin'...

tap-out:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can even fix her lips and say some sh*t like, "I'm bout to cum, YES...*wooo*...I'm done (insert smiley face)." Done? B***h, you done making that box macaroni and cheese you make every Tuesday? Or are you done leaving hair in the shower because I'm confused. I know loads of men are guilty of the same behavior but all it takes is a 5 minute blow job and 10 minutes of penetration and we're good; women on the other hand require a lot more time and effort. No man wants to hear, "yea, yea, yea just make sure you ain't stingy with the d***!" and then she's stingy with the p****, WTFeezy!? Just because yo ol' selfish ass is finished don't mean I'm done! You better make that mouth work or them hands work because I counted two orgasms for you and 0 for me and I better nut before I turn into the Incredible Hulk over here.

Oh, you thought I was a "1-minute man" ha. You thought I was gonna get a taste of dat p****, bust a nut n'go to bed ha. You thought I was like Tyrone ha; you thought them backshots was gon' take me out my zone ha. Well baby girl see you wrong ha. You came a few times, now you surprised I last long ha...

I digress,

Tip: You may have laughed at that musical break but seriously: don't just leave him hangin', finish what you start.

doorknob stiff:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how you can post videos of you "twerkin dat ass" for Vine or Instagram but when it comes to sex...you're like a fish outta water! Maybe it's me, may-be-it's-ME, but how you gon' climb yo ass in the bed and then don't climb on the d*** to ride!? You better put some movement on dat d***! (Pops from Friday voice). I'm not saying you have to go ape s*** on the d***, but hell, if you moving like Sara from Save The Last Dance when Derrick taught her how to dance when we out at the club, don't be as stiff as President Obama when he was on Ellen (Obama Dancing) when we f***, plain and simple.
Tip: Don't let me be the only one putting in some action! If we're in doggystyle position, throw that ass back! If you're on top ridin', get on your tippy-toes and bounce!

The Nicki Minaj-er:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how after only TWO damn strokes...you screaming like a damn exorcist is being performed! Can I get to stroke 17 before you start reciting sexual scriptures!? Oh, so you want a Tony Award for your performance? Or, or maybe you thought you were gonna get an Oscar? Keep the Nicki Minaj- voices and faces outta the bedroom! I know the d*** be good but if you wanna perform and live out your inner thespian, become a YouTube actress; cut the sh*t.
Tip: Grab a damn pillow and yell into it. Grab your panties, roll them into a little ball and shove them in your mouth, unless your vagina smells like pig tongue and sauerkraut, which brings me to my next point...

all-day-p**** (ADP):
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can expect a man to lick, suck, finger, or stick his penis into a vagina that has not been cleansed! If you know you've been out all day at work, or in the gym, or grocery shopping, or shoe shopping, or at bible study and then you want me to come over (or you come over) and you're expecting sex and you ain't take some soap and water to that vagina? I hope your clit falls off! Seriously tho, that sh*t ain't cool. Hygiene is important and should be a top priority when it comes to sex. Also ladies, stop going to the bathroom to pee and/or sh*t and then getting back in the bed expecting us to resume sexual activities, it's just not happening.
Tip: Cleanliness is next to Godliness; make sure you wash the holy hell outta your vagina, amen!

what dat mouth DON'T do?:
I will NEVER, be able to understandable: how any woman can expect a man to go deep sea divin' and then turn around and won't play a clarinet solo on the penis! Do I look like Charlie Brown? You not gon' play me! Now me personally, Anthony, I'm not a fan of it, but a normal dude who ENJOYS receiving oral sex, will feel some kinda way. Also, no teeth; this ain't a BBQ and my d*** is NOT a piece of corn! Lastly, for all you women who expect men to swallow your vaginal juices when we're performing oral but you scrunchie your face up when we want to cum in YOUR mouth, listen: either you're swallowing or yore taking it on your upper lip because if not...stay at home and watch Law & Order.
Tip: If you don't like the way it taste, have him increase his fruit intake. If you're not a 'flute blower' or you know you "suck d***" at suckin' d***, just stay at home and watch a Netflix movies.

*non-positional:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how the only positions you do are:

•doggystyle
•missionary
•ridin' a dude's face

Don't nobody got time for that, "but I only cum when he hittin it from the back!" ... have you TIRED sex while on your side, one leg flat, the other wrapped around him or in the air and he just goes deeper and deeper...and deeper? Probably not but guess the f*** what: IT'LL MAKE YOU THANK HIS MAMA FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD! You don't have to be Gabby Douglas on the d*ck (No R. Kelly) but f*** out-SIDE your comfort zone! I'm not asking you to be a trapeze artist but expand your horizons! On the other hand tho, ladies, stop tryna do positions that don't fit your body type. If you know you can't ride the d***, spare the both of us because if I'm bored, I'm grabbing my phone and watching Hey Arnold on YouTube. Stop tryna do splits n'sh*t when you know good-and-damn-well your body ain't set up that way. If you're athletically challenged: find a yoga class, Zumba, or come to me for some ballet moves that you can utilize...my services don't come cheap tho.
Tip: Listen to Usher's, "That's What It's Made For," for some inspiration or seriously, take up Yoga.

squirt without warning:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how a woman can KNOW she's a squirter but decides not to disclose that info to me before sex. I, like many other men, LOVE a squirter but without warning? Nah (Chief Keef voice). If I'm tongue drillin' you, you start screaming, legs start shakin', and it turns into splash waterfalls...I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing the biggest pot, filling it with water, and tossing it on your face! Give me a warning at least so I can use some old bed sheets and a couple of towels, so we both not looking at each other like, "rock-paper-scissors for who sleeps in the wet spot?" because 9/10 I'm gonna win and you're gonna be mighty upset about having to sleep in that sh*t.
Tip: Give me a heads up, that simple.

leave my ass alone:
I will NEVER, be able to understand: how any woman can think its cool to run their lil' manicured fingers anywhere near a man's ass. Oh, ohhhhhh, orrrr their tongue!!! Consult (claps hands) your (claps hands) man (claps hands) before (claps hands) deciding (claps hands) to (claps hands) Lamborghini his doors (claps hands)! What I mean is: don't just assume because you go from the d*** to the balls, that you gotta move your damn tongue down into my booty hole! YES- it's a pleasure zone for men; NO- no man wants his salad tossed without warning! This ain't HBO Oz! Some dudes enjoy it-hey, more power to them but ask first. If you wanna grab my ass while we're in missionary, go for it but please...don't move those fingers elsewhere. You stick your fingers in my ass, I'm d**k'-dippin' in ya butt!
Tip: Just ask because no man wants a "Lamborghini Mercy" outta nowhere.

Now I'm sure there are a lot more I forgot to mention so, share some, if you don't mind! All feedback is welcomed and highly encouraged!

I hope you enjoy this Dilla and make sure you tell other dudes to read and follow the movement too boy!

@renaissance_brotha_

So I Have This Friend: Whose GF Can't Ride...

Names have been changed, but the story remains the same.

Nick: "But deadass Ant...this b**** can't ride d*** for the life of her!!!"
Me: "Bro...tell her how you want it to be done!"Nick: "If only it were that EASY bro, it's not. We went for a bike ride the other day and this b**** was like Meek Mill & his boys on a damn CitiBike...a CITIBIKE!"Me: "Wait, you went, YA'LL went for a bike ride? (insert hard laughing)"Nick: "You mad cause you ain't got no b**** to ride WITH! But deadass boy, she can't ride d***, what should I do?? I know you be writing blogs for these b****es, write one for me fam!"

So I Have This Friend...whose girl can't ride d***!

First and foremost...

DID YOU MISS MEEE!?!?

No? Oh...ok, I digress, but before I start:

Warning: If you are a friend and/or a family member and you MIGHT feel a tad bit uncomfortable with reading/hearing me talking about sex; this blog ain't fo yo ass.

#TURNUP

A lot of you women are out here throwing dirt on guys who can't seem to get it together in the bedroom and for that...may the Lord take vengeance upon thee! Are (some) men garbage in bed? Yes, yes SOME are, but there's a whole lot of them who are NOT (and this blog ain't for them). My boy isn't the only man to feel this way, hell, I've had a few ladies who couldn't ride a d*** but could "drop down and get their eagle on" and hit the electric slide at the drop of a dime! Some of you chicks be like, "Babe, I can't ride, can we just do doggy?" No, not now. Or, "Babe, I've never really...I mean, I don't normally do this (while climbing on top)," well, I've never been to Six Flags, but you gon ride this roller coaster! I know you're laughing while reading this, but how some of y'all claiming to be #BedroomBullies...and can't ride a d***?! That s*** puzzles me! So, here at #ABetterBreedOfMan, I wanna help you ladies get in touch with your...inner, freak if you will. I present to you: how to ride the D SO good, yo mama's mama...would be proud!

Yo Nick, you owe me bro because I'm sure your girl will be reading this!

*class is in session*

Some of you beautiful, intelligent, sexy women are reading this and can identify with the topic: you can't ride d*** well! And that's cool, dot worry boo, I got yoouuu! If you have a man, don't be afraid to practice on him, that's what he's there for; what is he gonna say, no? No man will turn down p****! "I ain't afraid of no man or no d***!" yea yea, I know: that's why you can't ride d***? What's that old saying, "practice makes perfect"? Well, you better lay his ass down, and climb on top, and ride him like a Low-Ridah out in Cali! Something to always keep in mind (and this is with anything): you can’t get better at something if you’re scared to fail. When you tell someone you haven’t done something before, that statement should then be accompanied by you trying. You don’t say you haven’t done something and continue not to do it; without trying you’ll never learn. I'm not suggesting ANY one of you ladies go out here, and have sex with just ol' any guy, just so you can practice...that sh*t ain't cool nor is it attractive. Now Nick, if Amanda comes to you and says, "let's f***! I know you like me being on top so I want to trying something new", strip down to your socks and enjoy the ride my brotha!

Secondly ladies

In order to feel comfortable pleasing your man, you have to be able to please yourself first and him, SECOND! It's just like in life: in order to be selfless, you have to be a lil selfish; so selfishly pleasure yourself with toys me or fingers all you want! There's not a dude out here that won't appreciate you jumping on top and riding him like that mechanical bull at your local bar. If you want to get your nut off and not worry about Minute-Man Mark, go for it. Ladies, in plain English: I want you to do all the nasty sh*t you do in your alone time, when no one is watching, to your man! Make it so nasty, you'll have to pray EXTRA, in church on Sunday (y'all don't hear me tho)! It's not the Mark and Laura show, oh no, it's the Laura Show, co-starring Mark...and his d***. However once you get to that point, learn what pleases him. Who knows you might actually like what he likes and can start killing two birds(freaks) with one stone(move). Dudes like Nick, complain about women that get on top only to please themselves and that’s just selfish; if you want to be a skilled rider you have to learn how to do both. Don't trip tho, I got some techniques that'll have you riding like Ciara (pun all the way intended).

baby grind on meeee! (Pretty Ricky voice)

Remember them guys? Well, if you don't, YouTube them but if you do, ladies: I want you to grind like you're at a high school party! There's not a woman reading this who doesn't enjoy grinding her warm, wet, tight, (meow), and rubbing her clit at the same time until they achieve orgasm. Work them hips, lose some of those calories, and dig your fingers into his chest...not too rough tho! Most guys aren't cumming from grinding, but from friction, there's a difference. Men need to be stroked to achieve orgasm, which grinding can limit.

b-b-b-bounce that p**** and shake dat ass

You know what turns a man on with the quickness, other than you dropping to your knees and putting his d*** in your mouth: watching and feeling you bounce on top of him. The woman who can push a man on his back, climb on top, and f*** him till he has no more energy in his tank...is a keeper! Women that bounce on the d*** usually know exactly what they’re doing and they ride with purpose. You're not worried about the fact that you just got your hair done, noooo. You're not worried about the fact that, you have work in a couple hours, noooo. You're worried about pleasing yourself, because he will be led to believe, you're really doing it for him; which sometimes is never the case (I be knowin ladies). That bounce action is cool for the dudes who enjoy having the breast in their face (like me) or who enjoy watching the ass go up...and down...and up...and down in the Reverse Cowgirl position AND who enjoy smackin that ass while you're at it (I be knowin ladies).

...you got the juice now (insert your name here ladies

I know what you're thinking: what the hell is this fool talking about now! Well, it doesn't mean "juicing" like combining fruits and veggies and sh*t; it simply means to pull and squeeze at the same damn time! Some of y'all (women) don’t know about juicing, but just think about grinding for a second. Grinding is the rubbing of two surfaces to cause friction. However, juicing is when you squeeze AND pull away from him to cause the friction. It’s basically like you’re trying to squeeze and ring him out (kinda like a wash cloth). I want you to squeeze his d*** with your vagina and just look him in the face while you're doing it; I guarantee you he will speed up his pumping, which will make him cum like that! The best position to do this in, is in Reverse Cowgirl...

and speaking OF Reverse Cowgril...

Men like when you ride it...facing the other way! When you climb on top, ride it for a lil bit facing him and then, turn around and: MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THE D*** INSIDE OF YOU (I can't stress that enough)! Place his hands around your waist, and continue with what you were doing. You can lick your nipples if you want, massage your clit while he slaps your ass, hell, you can even fantasize about someone else. It’s just better suited for two people to please one another, yet have the privacy they want while having sex as weird as that may sound.

One time, a friend of mine said, "when I get on top, he does whatever we wants, it's like, I don't have no control of the situation." My answer to that: f*ck him back. Put his hands inside of yours, pin them down, and f*** him until he cums, that simple. A lot of women are quick to say men are intimidated by them but become intimidated by men, in the bedroom: the irony. Here's something you can try: to make you feel a lil more at ease, make him put his hands behind his head, tell him to keep put, and go to work...men like taking orders n' s***.

Lastly,

I spoke about this in the paragraph before last but once again (because it's really that important): don't let the d*** slip out! Now before you start going off and dismiss miss this piece of info, consider this:

size matters! I don't care what any one of you have to say, size matters. Now, with that being said (Kevin Hart voice), it's up you take a peek at the pole he's packing and make sure it doesn't come out! If you have control and I mean COMPLETE control over your body/abilities...the d*** can never and I mean never come out, period-point-blank.

Nick, make her feel comfortable at all times; sex isn't just about catching a nut or two and rolling over and knocking out, it's way deeper than that, it's brackets to this s***. There's levels to this sh*t, and while that may be a line from Meek Mill, it's true in every sense! If you want to give some advice, simply just express how you feel when the two of you are most comfortable and laugh n' sh*t like that, this way, it comes across a lot better.


If you need anything else, holla at me!

Ladies: have you ever felt embarrassed when you got on top? Did you get better? What advice could you offer other women about riding better? Did this post miss anything?

@renaissance_brotha_